Coping with the stress of poor sleeping

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I've posted a few times about my 6MO DS and his rubbish sleep. Won't bore you all with it again, but does anybody have any rips for coping with the stress? I've reached the point where I feel shear panic at the thought of putting him down to sleep. The moment I see him rub his eyes I feel my chest start to tighten and my breathing speeds up. Whilst he alternates between screaming hysterically and rolling his eyes in exhaustion, I'm usually sobbing myself, feeling like a failure and wanting to run away. How do people cope? I would like to be able to get through the day without thinking becoming a parent was a huge mistake-

Aww you poor thing. I don't have any practical advice as mine are older now. However this too shall pass. Honestly. No, really! Have a from me

Thanks. Just had a massive row with DH because I'm always tired and he's sick of me going to bed so early. Looks like I'm going to have to try and stay up later on top of everything else. Things just keep getting worse.

Hi Cupcakes

Didn't want to read and run as I've just got through this difficult stage. It is the absolute worst and I was an emotional mess. My DD is about to turn 10 months but from 6-8 months she was a horrible sleeper. I haven't read your previous posts so apologies if I overlap with anything. The only way I could cope with a hysterical baby at bed time was to co-sleep every night for a couple of months. Some nights she slept on me, other nights I was able to put her back in the cot in the early hours of the morning and grab a few hours sleep. I just got into the habit of going to bed at 7:30 every night. Does your DS nap doing the day at all? If he does I suggest you drop everything if you're able and sleep. Do you have any family close by who could help?

Massive massive hugs as i could have written your post. My 8 month DD is an awful sleeper. I too have had near panic attacks about all of this - shaking, feeling sick as i tried to calm her down for a nap. I am a little better at coping now, i think it is easier as 8 months they get a little more 'predictable' about when they nap. 6 months things are still really up in the air (well my DD was!). She is still a crappy sleeper so im no expert however things that helped me a little - start planning for a set time for the morning nap. I used to watch DD all day for the 'sleepy signs' (damn sleepy signs!!). This meant i had no structure at all because she could start rubbing eyes, glazing over 30 mins after waking up in the am or 3 hours! She always wakes approx 6/7am on a good day so i starterd putting her down at 9am no matter what for first nap. May take a couple of weeks but your little one should then get used to that time and the other 1 or 2 naps might fall into place behind it.
Treat yourself to something lovely food or drink wise - i have brought the most expensive coffee there is despite being able to afford it, but when im putting DD down for a nap amd she is fighting it i focus on being able to put the kettle on rather then stressing out over her.
Me and DH fight all the time about DD sleep and he thinks im just obsessed. I just dont talk to him about it anymore.
I hope some of this helps, you may have been told this all before but i really feel for you so above all just know you are doing a fab job x

I do feel for you, it does get better, for most people I know there's been an improvement when weaning and when baby starts crawling etc.

I've coped with the poor sleep periods by going to bed as early as I feel like (once dd is asleep) - yes dp grumbles but that's too bad. There's no point forcing yourself to stay up late if you're exhausted.

Going back to work also helped, dp and I now take turns to do the night shift rather than it just being me (and he now goes to bed earlier as a consequence...funny that).
Weirdly I've found it easier to cope with being tired if I'm at work as it still feels like I'm getting a break.

I'd second OP on trying a routine if your ds' sleepy signs aren't reliable. At 6 months I also found giving some formula before each naptime and at bedtime helped. And I've positively encouraged dd's dummy addiction for sleep time.

Oh and we use a blackout blind and white noise, total sensory deprivation!

Thanks for the replies.

Dickie - naps are a whole other story. He usually only sleeps for 20-30 minutes at a time, and it often takes me upwards of an hour to get him to sleep in the first place. We made some progress a couple of weeks ago with 3 longer naps in his cot (rather than on me / in his pushchair), but it all came unravelled when DH took him out and didn't bring him back in time for his nap (despite me telling him repeatedly what time he needed to be home). We had a mammoth 2 1/2 hour scream-a-thon and he basically didn't sleep all day. I sort of lost confidence after that. No helpful family really. My dad has cancer, mum comes over when she can but lives an hour away and she has a lot on herself. DH's family all live on the other side of the country.

Gab - thank you, I will give that a go. I'm a person who craves routine so it would be lovely to be able to say "DS has his nap at X O'clock". It would really help me psychologically I think. Your DH sounds very much like mine. Sadly this is the main reason why DS will almost certainly be an only child, which breaks my heart a little.

Million - I hate my job but right now even the thought of that is appealing. DS won't take a bottle unfortunately, so I'm worried about nursery (plus how the hell will they get him to nap? They can't possibly rock him for an hour + each time he needs to sleep!). Sadly DS has weaned himself off his dummy (against my wishes.) I will keep working on getting him to take a bottle though as others have suggested it might help.

You poor thing. Sounds like DH is not supporting you adequately in this, and crap sleep just ruins your life. My DS at the same age was a champion non napper and was waking 3/4 times a night for a bf. he also refused all bottles and a dummy! He is now 15mo, and things are much better.

What worked for us:
Routine routine routine routine routine routine routine. And a routine!

2, 3, 4 schedule for naps, so rather than going on strict times, go on wake up times from the last nap eg:
6am wake up
8am nap
9am wake up
12pm nap
2pm wake up
6pm bed

I found it much easier once we introduced meal times as well as it gave more structure to the day.

Have a mini bedtime routine at naptime, eg grobag and darkened room.

Have also had panic attacks about sleep, and am now on anti anxiety meds for PND. It has helped enormously. Have to go now but will post later if I think of anything else xx

Nursery will be able to get him to sleep, dont worry about that. What i would do is if you have a nursery in mind call them and ask what time they put the babies down for a nap, most of them go by the clock and not wake times as they cant be putting babies to sleep all day. You will probably find the morning nap is at 9 which is pretty standard. Then start putting your LO down then and let the afternoons be more relaxed. I went through a couple of weeks of hell where i did not budge on a 9am nap - i timed it to the minute. So if my DD woke at 530 for the day, i still held her out till 9. Your LO sounds like mine where wake times and sleepy signs just arent reliable, and i think this is probably to do with rubbish night sleep as it can seem like they are always tired. You want to try and set their clock, so picking nap times and not flexing on them at all will help this. You will then probably find after a couple of weeks he starts sleeping longer at that set morning time.
The 234 that PP mentioned is a popular routine but again your LO sounds like mine and gets overtired v easily, mine could. never have lasted 4 hrs before bed at 6 months so just a caution there.
I hope things start to get better for you soon. Its so horrible having your life taken over by sleep. I really think you should consider going to the dr and tell them how you are feeling with the panicing etc as well if you havent already.

I ended up with Post Natal Anxiety after I had DD. She has silent reflux and was an incredibly poor sleeper. I had ACT therapy and worked on mindfulness to help me cope emotionally.

Practically:

One night a week drugged with Night Nurse so I could sleep through - DH got up every time that night (then he had a night).

One night a month we each had a night away in a different house.

Ride the bus. Baby in pram and pillow for me. Just ride around and sleep (I was too tired to drive).

Get a cleaner.

Ask your HV for Support.

One evening a week get a babysitter and then drive to a nearby layby and sleep.

Ask anyone who visits to take the baby for a walk in the pram so you can sleep.

Sleep (or just lay down and rest) any time the baby sleeps.

If anyone offers help ask them to cook you a meal or do some laundry.

DD's meds were sorted out at 7 months and we saw a huge improvement after that.

Just do whatever you need to in order to survive. It is fucking hell. But, it will get better.

Sorry also just to add to agree on PP, white noise and a gro bag were total life savers. My DD was a complete screamer when overtired, and as soon as i discovered white noise this totally calmed her down. Just get a radio and set it to static, have it quite loud and put it on as soon as you start his nap routine and keep it on through the whole nap. If you have an overtired scream fest again take him in his room, crank up the white noise, hold him upright over your shoulder as close to you as possible and just walk calmly round the room, hopefully like someone else said this will just be totally sensory overload and it will help calm him down and nod off.
Sorry i have really rambled on but hopefully somethings to try that might help xk

My 10 mo is an awful sleeper so you have my sympathy.

My one and only tip is to get a cleaner! It means when he does have a nap I can sit down and have a cup of tea / sleep if I'm optimistic about nap length!

Also, go to bed whenever you like. I went to bed at 7.30pm for months when DS was little, and even now I'm tucked up by 9pm most of the time. When a friend of mine had her baby he was a terrible sleeper, but she used to get guilt tripped into staying up really late to watch telly with her DH so he didn't have to watch things on his own. FFS.

I just wanted to add my sympathy/ support. Sleep stressed me out with both my children (still does with my 17 mo) and meds helped. Its worth talking to a doctor about, just in case. In my case, sleep was a trigger for anxiety - and the anxiety was (is) in no way commensurate with the problem or rational.

That said, with DS (my oldest), I seem to have got to a point - I think about a year, after we had done some cc and things were a bit better (although he is no champion sleeper and still wakes) went I think I just got fucking tired of being stressed about it. I stopped obsessively searching the internet for answers, made a deliberate decision not to talk to any mum friends about sleep and just got on with it. It worked. DS doesn't sleep that well, but I don't stress about it.

DD - no such luck.

Cleaners are a good tip. As is ridiculously early bedtimes for you. You can't control their sleep, but you can get to sleep as soon as they do a few times a week. Makes a huge difference.

oh and actually, mediation helped for me at the start of the year (and thinking about taking it up again now I'm looking down the crap sleep barrell). Mindfulness: Finding peace in a hectic world by Mark Williams. Highly recommended.