How can I stop 3yr old DS from coming into our room at night

[zulubump]

He's generally been a good sleeper with a few blips here and there. Until recently he would sleep through from about 7pm-7am and you wouldn't hear from him at all. About a month ago he started waking at night and coming to find us each time. He goes off to sleep fine but then most nights he comes in about 3 times from around 1am onwards and can be restless from 5am onwards. He's occasionally woken earlier - like 9-11pm and come looking for us.

We've got him a clock that we can set to show stars when it is night time and then a sun when it's time to get up (set for 6.20am). He understands when it displays the sun that he can get up because he comes in saying "it's wake up time!". But it doesn't stop him coming in when it's still night time. When he comes in our room he's not upset or crying, just waits for us to take him back to bed! I had been pointing his clock out to him and the fact he shouldn't be out of bed because it was still showing stars for night time, but have recently given up because it seems to be making no difference.

I did start to attempt a sticker chart, but his language isn't that great and it felt hard to explain to him. And he got very upset that he couldn't have sticker there and then. And he then came in our room even more times that night, so I kind of gave up on that straight away.

Anyone have any more ideas please??

I put a stair gate over ds bedroom door when he went through this stage. He went from coming into my room up to 12 times per night, to sleeping right through again in 2 nights!

i was going to say stairgate!! as you will still hear him if upset / distressed but at 3 he can take himself back to bed

Keep putting him back, straight away.

The phase will pass, once he realises he doesn't get to stay.

Hi and thanks for the replies. Have to admit I am a bit scared of using the stair gate! The thought of having him wailing in the night when he realises he is trapped in his room. And I have an older dd age 5, so don't really want to wake her. But maybe we have to bite the bullet and just do it. Frazzled, when you did this did you go in to your ds and put him back to bed and did you soothe him at all?
Thanks

honestly just do it!! our dd did this for a few nights we put up the stairgate i would hear her up and ask what was wrong and she would say i want a cuddle but i would tell her no she is a big girl and she needs to go back into bed to sleep. she did cry a bit but remain firm

Well, we tried it last night! I happened to see a friend yesterday who had a travel stair gate that she lent me (we got rid of ours a while ago). So this is roughly what happened:
7.30pm ds in bed
11.30pm - heard ds whimpering at stair gate, eventually crying. Went and told him he should go back to bed. He refused. I eventually climbed over gate and once I was in the room he climbed into bed himself and then I left the room.
1am - similar to above
then many times between 1am and 3am, with ds getting more upset each time. I eventually stayed in his room for a few moments once he was in bed and soothed him by stroking his head and telling him everyone else was asleep and he should be too. Once he was calm I left the room.
5.50ish - again heard ds at gate not really crying, just making a few noises. I went to him in the end to tell him to go back to bed and again had to come into the room with him before he'd get back into bed. He then stayed in bed until his clock showed the sun for wake up time (6.20)

I am shattered today! Are we doing anything wrong do you think? This was a worse night than we'd usually get!

just be strong! keep telling him no it is night time he needs to go back to bed, you may get 2/3 nights like this but he will soon get the idea that he is expected to go into bed and getting up in the night doesn't mean extra cuddle/mummy time

just keep repeating go back to bed theirs a good boy, your a big boy now and your clock says night time we must try to stay in bed asleep when it is night time.

think you are doing well =]

I'd just let him in my bed and go back to sleep. When ds was this age he'd often come and get in with me in the night - didn't really disturb me - sometimes I wouldn't even notice. Sometimes I'd wake up in the morning and he'd be there sometimes not. I couldn't be doing with all that palaver in the middle of the night. shouting, crying, head stroking etc. He's 10 now and rarely does it but if he does - no biggie. I'm not wasting valuable sleep playing musical bloody beds in the middle of the night.

zulu - My experience:- ds was a fantastic sleeper (as were my other 3!) - then he went through a long time phase of coming into my room up to 20 times per night. Each time I would put him back in his bed (no eye contact, no chat, nothing). After lots of weeks he was still exactly the same. I have no idea why he didn't just stop getting up as he was receiving no attention from it. I then put a stairgate across his door. The first night I heard him 3 times at his gate, he pushed it, realised he couldn't get out then just went back to bed! 2nd night, only happened once. From 3rd night onwards he never woke up again!!
The only thing I would do if I was you is leave him until he's crying before going to the gate. He might get the message very quickly and just get back into bed himself. If you do have to go to him, just put him back in bed, no chat, no eye contact, nothing. It will work if you're consistent, and it should take only a few days.

Not the answer you're asking for but I'm with MsPontipine

DS1 (4.9) goes through phases of staying in his own bed for weeks and then a few nights of quietly creeping into our bed at any time from 2-5am.
He doesn't make a fuss, just has a reassuring cuddle and goes back to sleep.

When asked why he comes into my bed his reply is "Because he loves me"!

I'm confident it won't last forever and it allows most sleep for everyone.
DS2 (2) is usually already tucked in on the other side, so DP more often than not ends up in the spare room.

If we didn't have a spare bed for DP to escape to when it gets too crowded in our king size it might be more of a problem.

I cherish the snuggles whilst they are little.

I must add though that ds was a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE at the actual going to bed bit - would keep getting out and this would go on for hours everynight for years. DROVE ME BONKERS but once asleep he slept well. Having him in my bed instead of his own truly was no problem at all compared to that :(

I'm another one who couldn't care less if they wake up in the night and cuddle up next to me. I usually end up with both of them in there by morning. They won't do it forever, and I am sure I'll miss it when they stop! DS (nearly 6) thinks he'll carry on doing it until he's 18 (!) but I am sure he'll have got bored of it by then!!! DD has ASD and is 3, I am just happy she wants to connect to another human being. I stopped worrying about it while I was worrying about her having autism - I just focused on building a close trusting bond.
Obviously if it's an actual problem for you then you need to do what you need to do...but this is my opinion.

Hi and thanks once again for all the replies. I have been mulling over what to do. When it comes to having kids in bed with me it's one of those things that sounds like it could be lovely and snuggly in theory but in practise I've never slept well with them there. Wouldn't mind if it was on the odd occasion, but every night I know would annoy me. Maybe it's cos I'm a SAHM and am with ds nearly all day every day, I would like my nights without him!

I'm also not sure about the stair gate for now. I think every time ds wakes he wants to find me or dh and have us there when he gets back into bed. Whether he comes into our room to find us or whether we go to him because he's shouting over the stair gate doesn't seem to make much difference! I think it might take a big battle of wills in the night, with him crying, for us to make that work and I'm not sure I'm up for it yet.

So we are going to try another option which is to have one of us sleep in his room on a mattress for a few nights. My theory is if we are there in the room to shush him back to sleep when he wakes maybe we can break his habit of jumping out of bed every time he wakes. Then after a night or two move the mattress further from his bed where he can't see it and see if he can sleep like that. And hope we don't create an entirely new dependency! If he then goes back to coming in our room when we aren't there in the night, then I'll be prepared to try the stair gate and letting him have a good cry in the night!

Oh fingers crossed! Thanks again for the support.