I'm desperate and considering controlled crying, but need advice

[hester]

My dd is six months and has a serious case of breast addiction - she needs to nurse in order to fall asleep. My fault, of course; I let her develop a bad habit because I was desperate for sleep, and now she wakes EVERY HOUR and needs the breast in order to go back to sleep so I'm worse off than ever.

About six weeks ago I worked to make her self-settle in the day, and was pretty successful. But it didn't improve the night, as I had hoped. Then we went on holiday and with jetlag and everything, the whole thing went backwards. Now she's worse than she's ever been, and I am so tired I don't know what to do with myself.

I know I am going to have to do some kind of sleep training, and will be moving her into her own room over the next couple of weeks in preparation for this. But here are my questions:

1. Do I go straight from hourly feeds to nothing at all, or is this too brutal? Alternatively, if I start just cutting down (say, by only allowing her to nurse every three hours) will that just confuse her, because she won't understand why crying sometimes works and sometimes doesn't?

1. I'm thinking of using the Baby Whisperer's 'Pick up put down' technique rather than controlled crying (i.e. going in to her, picking her up and then putting her back down as soon as she calms). good idea or not? Will it just drive her crazy to be so near my breasts but not allowed to feed?

1. How important is it to have a good daytime routine for this to work? We're pretty flexible about daytime routine (not least because I'm so tired I can never remember when she last fed). She does always go down at 7pm (without fuss) and gets up at 7am, and has three or four shortish sleeps in the day. There's not much of a feeding routine, and she does tend to snack at the breast, though we are now doing solids for breakfast and at 6pm.

Sorry this is so long - my editing skills seem to have disappeared with my other faculties. Would be (pathetically) grateful for any advice.

hello hope this book will help - elizabeth pantly no cry sleep solution
teaches baby to fall asleep on their own without breast have you heard of it
would steer clear of baby whisperer

Perhaps she's hungry. Have you considered giving her supper instead of breakfast?
However, it could be teething. Mine always nursed more when teething. And this phase will only last 3 weeks or so (until the next teeth come . I would not go for cc at this age, seems too cruel. However, it's you who feels how tired you are of all of it. You need your sanity. Goodluck!

I would second trying Elizabeth Pantley over other baby 'training' methods. She takes a very gentle child centred approach. I think a harsh approach could adversely affect your relationship with your little one and be upsetting for both of you.

I think things will settle down on their own a little, given time, but I understand you might not be able to wait it out.

I'm sorry I don't have many answers, but rest assured, you are not the only one who has enjoyed the benefits of letting your baby fall asleep on the breast and then come to find it hard work. They do grow out of it in the end, but it is up to you whether or not you want to make some changes meanwhile. Best of luck :)

here are a few tips just to get you started tonight
your lo is having a brief awakening every hour - when we as adults would roll over he/she is breastfeeding so -
make the feed less comfortable e.g lie on your back so its hard to feed
keep taking the baby off - they get fed up and go to sleep - honestly simple but effective
early bedtime and good naps help nightime sleep
hope this helps you

Thanks so much for the recommendation - I have ordered the Elizabeth Pantley book already! Can't wait to read it - I am really dreading controlled ccrying and will only do it if I have to. But yes, I am getting to the end of my tether - she has never slept longer than three hour stretches, but this hourly waking has been going on for a couple of months now and I'm whacked.

I do give her supper, by the way, followed by milk. I really don't think that hunger is the problem.

Thanks so much for your help

Hi Hester

How long does she actually feed for each time. Is it a comfort thing or is she actually gulping down milk?

My 4 month old was waking every hour to feed and with the return to work approaching (6 weeks to go) I put her in her own cot. I decided her bedtime was gonna be 7pm as that seemed to work for her. So at 7pm I took her up, lights dimmed, changed her, massage with lavender cream, no chatting, no eye contact etc. I also decided to make her last feed of the evening, 7pm, a formula feed. The first time I did this she went from 7pm until 12.30am. At 12.30 I breastfed and she feed for about 5mins, solidly, then she went until 3am when she had another similar breastfeed, then she went until 6am - same again until 9amish.

While sleeping with me this was never gonna happen.

you're welcome, i really would not recommend cc but thats my opinion it works for some people i really couldnt do it myself.
to help aid night weaning b/feed as much as poss during the day - if that suits your lifestyle of course
solid food doesnt help sleep braestmilk has much more calories
let me know how you get on

hester, that sounds bloody knackering. ds coslept and fed every two hours round the clock until he was about 7 months (direly bad colic till 6 months too) then started to go longer and longer, whereupon we put him in a cot and all fine - well only wakes once or twice, is 12 months now. dp was absolutely key in this though - and still puts him to bed.

Agree with fishie. DPs are absolutely crucial in this. DH night-weaned DS (at 10 mo) by cuddling adn rocking him back to sleep. Took 2 hours of crying the first night, decreased over 2 more nights, then DS slept through. We're now on phase 2 - patting and shushing. It keep the crying to an absolute minimum and means that DS is never left to cry on his own - he knows we're there for him, he's just not going to be fed. TBH, after the third night, when I took over night duty again, he didn't ask to be fed. Sometimes he sleeps through now, sometimes he's up for a while, but since we invariably had a two hour wake up with a feed fore and aft, we've still gained immeasurably. Mind you, I wouldn't have done it any earlier than 10 months, but I couldn't be sure before then that DS wasn't hungry when he woke. If I'd been sure he was feeding for comfort and not hunger at 6 mo, I'd have done it then.

I did similar to Corriedale at 10 months (although dh was less helpful!). Agree also that while I wish I'd done it sooner I could not have been sure it wasn't hunger at that age. Even at 10 months I armed myself with a bottle of formula as I wasn't sure and there were many nights she took it. I think if she is used to feeding every hour she may well feel hungry even if she doesn't actually need the calories. It has been about 6 weeks since I stopped nightfeeds and we have gone from waking every 2 hours to sleeping through from 7-5.30 most nights. Unfortunately dd has pretty much given up bf as she took to the bottle so well, but as she is 11 months and I really want another baby I suppose thats no bad thing. Initially I did "allow" certain feeds and worried if it would be confusing for her, but I found that either she would be awake for a long time and just drop off to sleep before next feed, iyswim, or that she would sleep through allotted time so I ended up saying no feeding between 12-5 unless water/formula. Sorry, am rambling now, but good luck!

Just a thought off on a bit of tangent, have you read the bit in the Baby Whisperer book about weaning off night feeds using a dummy? If you do it carefully your dd shouldn't become addicted to the dummy instead. I did it with my ds and it worked really well. The times he wouldn't take the dummy I knew he was genuinely hungry. Might be worth a try...depends how anti dummies you are though!!!!

My DD is 8 months , 4 weeks ago she was feeding about 3 times in the night, I got a great book 'solve your childs sleep problems' . I reduced her night feeds by a minute a night started at 8 mins so it could be done in a week.

I also increased the intervals between feeds started at 2 hours then added half an hour each night (hope that makes sense)

Had a few rough nights but after a week she was sleeping through. She is still sleeping from 7.30pm til 7 (apart from teething). I comforted her by pat/shush, if this didn't work just gave her a cuddle. I tried to keep this time to a minimum and as soon as calm left the room.

I think if she is self-settling it probably wouldn't take too long

HTH

Thanks so much for all these really helpful posts. I'm definitely going to read Elizabeth Pantley and try funnybones' suggestions.

Thomcat - it was really heartening to read that moving into her own room helped achieve such good results for you. I'm convinced this will also help us - our bed is so damn creaky, I know we wake her throughout the early hours. And yes, I'm convinced it's not hunger - she rarely feeds for longer than five minutes, and it's pretty half-hearted sucking.

Fishie and Corrie - I'd been assuming I would do this, but I can see that having dp do it must be a great help. I have just asked, and though the idea wasn't greeted with great enthusiasm I think I may have achieved an agreement.

bobblehead and chocohead - great tips, thank you.

Olihan - I'm not at all anti-dummy; unfortunately dd is! She scorns dummies and bottles, preferring the real thing - the walking, talking human dummy that is her mother.

Thanks so much, all of you. I feel really heartened that you all managed to crack this. I'm going to get dd's room sorted over the next few days, read these books, develop my plan and then DO IT. Seeing how tired dd often seems in the morning has really stiffened my resolve - I owe this to her as well as to myself.

Hi hester - how are you getting on?