DD, 9 weeks old will NOT sleep alone

[Doriannah]

My daughter has co slept with me since she was born, mainly because I am breastfeeding and it was a lot easier.
However, she now wont sleep on her own or flat on her back. When with me at night, she sleeps in the crook of my arm, slightly curled up and during the day, she sleeps in a sling, which is absolutely exhausting! I've tried swaddling, slumber bear, heart beat maker, a worn tshirt for smell association, white noise, you name it, I've tried it! She wont even go in her buggy! Much as I love her, I really need to get her sleeping alone! My DH is feeling a bit abandoned having to sleep in the spare room!
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.
x

LOL! @ "next time she tries to tell you something say, I am sorry I am not listening to you, you are clearly only talking to me for attention"
I couldn't believe it when she said that, it just didnt sound right! Sad really when someone in her position can give advice thats so obviously wrong....

Thanks for all your advice and kind support, it's really helped. I'm now off to feed the hungry!!! lol

Doriannah, glad you feel a bit happier about things now and I would give your hv a wide berth!

(Btw Franny I just used that paper as a reference in my essay, thanks! HC xx)

You are welcome HC, I have given out photocopies of it {shock]

it's very useful and short
I was quoting something from Penelope Leach about babies wanting what they need, and vice versa, but this is splendid

Doriannah, you have had such good advice on this thread.

Just so you're not alone, my dd was exactly like this and I worried myself silly about it and tried to change her to no avail. When I eventually accepted that it was just the way she was my life became less of a battle (as someone mentioned earlier) to make her do something she didn't want to or couldn't do and we were both happier. We co-slept too; I had dd between me and the wall until she was a few months and then she slept between dh and myself.

With ds, I was so much more relaxed myself, I actually enjoyed the fact that he slept on me, the snuggles we had and the general closeness - I had a bit more perspective and realised it doesn't last forever!

They are 2 1/2 and 4 now and, despite having co-slept for about 2 years each, they sleep brilliantly in their own beds. They got used to sleeping on their own when they were ready.

I empathise with the feeling that you've tried everything everyone suggests and somehow failed but please believe you haven't, your dd is just the way she is!

hi, I just want to nip in to say I that i WASN'T recommending controlled crying for you now, 9 weeks is far too young and i too am that the hv would say what she said about it being attention seeking! Baby so tiny! I've read it is impossible to spoil a baby, i forget till what age. And like i said and others have said, some people think 6 mo is too young too. I started it when i felt in my bones that hard though it was, dd was ready to learn to sleep by herself and that I could stick it out and stay calm (ha!) & reassuring for her, but i would never advise anyone to try it unless they felt confident that it was the right thing for them & their baby.

What avile woman the HV sounds Doriannah!
My dd was like this too.
While the controlledcrying thing is bonkers,sometimes,for my own sanity I had to leave her to cry sometimes.

Can you nap in the day and have someone mind her and/or take her for a loooong walk??

Dorianna, as Clayhead says, you are not alone with this one. I had exactly the same problem with my DS. Looking back I think that BFing lying down in bed had a lot to do with it. We both fell asleep like that & pretty soon it became impossible for him to fall asleep & stay asleep with out physical contact from me. Or he might have been like that anyway.

Ignore the CC, for a start. The BW recommends a Pat-Shush thing for under 3 months if you want to try it. It's mentioned on her website. But TBH I think just going with the flow, accepting that it will be like this for a bit longer & you'll be able to keep sane. They have a psychological/emotional growth spurt around 3 months & are much more aware of you & whatever routines are in place so you might be able to gradually encourage some daytime naps alone, albeit brief ones. Repetition eventually causes them to learn how to do this. My DS eventually slept on his own at 11 months & he was old enough to cope with the change then, IMO.

Also, as I told myself back then, being forced to sit on the sofa (with a drink & remote control nearby) with my baby asleep in my arms was actually a good thing. It made me rest rather than do all the housework, which I'm sure I'd have done.

Is there a different HV you can see?

Just wanted to agree with all the good advice here and to tell you that i had a disastrous first 8 weeks with my baby,[in terms of sleeping] where i tried to get him to sleep in his cot and he pretty much wouldn't sleep until 5am each night - was carrying him around in a sling like a zombie! then i was breastfeeding him on the couch at one am one night and i fell asleep and he rolled off with a crash. I was petrified of co sleeping [got rather mixed info from HVs] i finally got the right advice and started co sleeping and breastfeeding in bed and - bliss - we all got great nights sleep from then on. I think you are doing exactly the right thing - and don't put too much pressure on yourself right now.

Just a small thought - have you tried putting an item of your clothing (wear it for a while first) in the moses basket/buggy etc. when you lie her down? Then she could still smell you as she settles. A friend of mine used one of her old pyjama tops, and her baby (now 20 months) uses it as a comforter still.

I found the first 3 months the most tiring - after that it does turn a corner as hopefully you'll be getting more sleep at night as her tummy is bigger and she can fill up for longer. Good luck.

Agree with Ruty, it is early days, and the first months are usually the worst unless you are very lucky!

My DD was very similar ahe wouldn't sleep in her moses basket in our room only on me,but after so much sleep deprivation one night (at about 11 weeks) we put her in her own cot in her own room and she slept for england!!

Never looked back since, I would say I know might not seem it but this is such a short time in their lives and before you blink it'll be gone! I used spend hours getting DD to sleep as although sleeping in cot she wouldn't fall alseep in cot only if I rocked her!! and now she is three sleeping in her own proper bed etc and sometimes wish it could have lasted longer!

Enjoy it while you can and go with your instincts! Ans treat everything as a 'phase'. Lots of luck

Hi Doriannah

You have all my sympathy, have just come out of a really difficult phase with my daughter now 9 months. I got into the habit of feeding her lying down until she was asleep then leaving her on the bed and moving her into the basket when we went to bed. This worked fine until she outgrew the basket and we tried to move her into a cot - we couldn;t transfer her without her waking up. And she ended up in our bed most of the time which I had always thought was a nice idea but in reality I found it really hard to sleep. Basically she didn't know how to go to sleep - or get back to sleep after waking- on her own.

The last 3 months have been really hard with her waking 6,7 times a night and eventually we went to a sleep clinic where they helped us a lot and didn't push us to do controlled crying - but we would soothe her by stroking or whatever rather than picking her up, and she is now much better at settling herself, although she needs a bit of patting or stroking, she sucks her thumb a lot more now.

Although it is still very early I would just keep an eye on the situation, and try not to let her be in the habit of being rocked or fed to sleep for too long if you want her to be able to go to sleep without you having to help her every time.

Wish you lots of luck!

Kerelene

Mmmm was advised to do cc at age 3 months, it worked for me and has done ever since. By 3 months you should be able to tell the types of cry. I always went to his room and peeked through the crack of the door but never gave in. He's 4 now and still a good chap at settling into bed and sleeping. It sets the pattern for life.

Hate to disappoint you but my youngest DS is 3.5yo and still sleeps with me. I started by feeding him off to sleep and putting him in his basket, when he woke I fed him again usually in bed at this time and I would fall asleep too. When he went into a bed, I stayed with him until he was sound asleep. It's only the last few months (since xmas really) that I can put him in his bed and leave him to go to sleep by himself and he usually wakes up at 2-3 am and gets into bed with me. I did put him back into his own bed to begin with but he got wise to that and now gets into my bed without waking me up. Once you accept this as the way it's going to be and are more relaxed you will find it easier. As your baby gets bigger DH might find it easier to sleep in your bed. If he's anything like might Dad, he's a litle bit afraid of what he could do to a fragile little babby. My Dad chilled out as we got more 'robust'. Good luck!

hi, my DS is nearly 5 months now and although he was sleeping in crib/cot from day 1 he always napped on me and subsequently wont sleep for longer than 1/2 hour in day unless hes in bed with me or on me. it was good at first but now im not as tired it would be nice to have time to myself to get on with things, but i have accepted that it will take time to get him out of the habit and to relax about it as when im stressed about his lack of naps he wont sleep even with me. he also nurses to sleep at naps and nighttime. my main probs when he was younger was that he has reflux so got used to sleeping on me upright as couldnt sleep flat during day. i have started reading "the no cry sleep solution" as i cant do CC and the ideas seem to be working. just go with the flow and try to accept how it is and relax, since ive done that ive seen an improvement, i even got 50mins in his cot on his own this afternoon - a major achievement

havnt read any posts so apologies if repeating anything - just a few gut reaction points to make:

some babies just want to be held more than others. and wants and needs at this stage are the same thing. its extremely hard work, but amybe you need to just accept that she will need to be held almost all the time, for the time-being at least- and work out ways to cope with that. it will pass. everything passes in time. be philosophical about it,it might help you to mentally cope with the intensity of it.

it seems to be assumed by all, inc myself on occasion, that they wont sleep without you as a consequence of you letting them sleep with you before - leading to guilt and annoyance with self for 'doing it wrong' - but there is absolutely no way to know if this is the case. cut yourself some slack on that.

try a bed side/guard thing or a bedside cot on your side of the bed so dd can be on that side of you without worry of her falling out, thereby making room for dh to move back in with you in the double bed. even if you dont want/manage nookie at least you will be sleeping together and so feel closer.

often, the best way to make a clingy baby un-clingy is by being more clingy than them, so they get sick of it. reverse psychology like. worth a thought.

Sleep deprivation leaves me desperate. I left ds1 to cry at 12 weeks and ds2 at 9. The first night was painful, but they both slept from 11pm to 7am on night 2. Both were sleeping 12 hours straight from 16 weeks, and still go to bed with no problem. Ds3 is 7 weeks and it definitely won't be long before I'm so exhausted that he'll have his first night without mummy. If you're going to do it, earlier is better. Listening to a newborn screaming hysterically is much easier than a one year old wailing 'Mummy, mummy please help meeeee....'

WOW. Only got as far as the ridiculous comment from Health Visitor.
As an aside to your original post, you should report that woman giving Mothers such advice. It's wrong and very sad to be telling Mums to do cc at 9 weeeks! Poor babies of Mums who may listen

For the other thing, my dd still co-sleeps at night time with me (dp sleeps in the spare room anyway or i'd kill him with his snoring...no really i would!). I echo the others really. It passes so quickly and you sound like you're doing a great job
Before you know it her hands or feet or a toy will be alot more interesting than you