help, anybody up, controlled crying, baby inour room so she can see us ignoring her

[Cerealqueen]

and really distressed, instinct says pick up, DP says no.... what do we do, its awful......

OK. (sorry, interrupted while writing, maybe someone else has already said this. Apologies if so)

You need to not be in the room until she makes it through the night. Can you and DH sleep on the sofa or in DD1's room for a few nights? It shouldn't take longer than 3.

You need to think about if you are happy with it, but it definitely does work. Please do some reading on it first though, and make sure you don't just leave her to cry, but do it gradually and calmly.

Yes to the sofa bed.

The key for me reading Andrea Grace's book was that I had to accept that no matter how hard it was, DS had to stay in his cot all night. Previously I'd given up at some point in the night and brought him into bed with me.

So I waited for a weekend (I work FT) and just accepted that I'd probably spend half the night sitting next to DS' cot singing to him, patting him etc.

It wasn't half as bad as I'd feared to be honest. The hardest bits were the actual bedtimes as he wasn't feeding to sleep, but even so, he never got really hysterical like he did when I tried CC, and within 3 days he wouldnt' cry when put in his cot. 3 months into this and I know that if he does cry when put into his cot he needs another couple of minutes cuddling or a drink of water and then goes into his cot happy.

With gradual withdrawal you're meant to gradually work up to leaving the baby to go to sleep without you in the room. I've been doing this 3 months now and have never gotten to that stage, because DS now goes to sleep fairly quickly and without crying if I'm sitting next to his cot. The moment I get up to leave he's up on his feet and crying.

I don't mind staying with him until he falls asleep though cos we now have much better nights and when he wakes in the night (once or twice max unless ill or teething) it's very very quick to get him back to sleep. He also self-settles several times in the night I just wish he'd learn to self-settle without crying out which wakes me up!

Oh and if you want to stop CC, just stop it. I decided to do CC and stopped that first night (contrary to lots of advice about giving mixed messages). It just wasn't right for us and everyone just got very distressed.

Gradual withdrawal hasn't distressed me at all and DS has only cried in annoyance at not being picked up rather than a distressed panicked cry which we had with CC.

Me again, sorry. just re-read your latest post.

Definitely try reading a book between the last BF and going to sleep. Worked wonders for us. The first night DS was not impressed but quickly got the hang of it.

I started that at 11 months. At 13 months I night-weaned and I swear he didn't cry once for milk in the night or try to get at it! I was so but also

Thanks for listening and for the advice.

I emailed the sleep consultant and she said she 'forgot' that we were in the same room and that she recommends we use a screen that we don't have!

She added some info about naps but nothing about how many or when and said not to worry about them but surely if she does not nap enough she will be harder to put down. What a shambles. .

Hey hey, don't stress.

Tell us what your baby does at the moment regarding naps. Fairly sure that the experience on his is likely to be grater than your so called sleep consultant.

A screen is a good idea, but I'd still remove yourselves for a few days first. an you make a screen if needed?

But before that, you need to figure out if this is what you want to do. If it is, we're here for you. If not, we're still here, lot of people have used lots of different approaches, and no matter what, it will get better. :)

Could you put a wardrobe between you and the cot?

haven't read all the posts - but sympathise. DD2 was like this until she moved out of my bed and into room with DD1. i wasn't ready for it really (getting up to feed in the night I find more tiring than bf in bed) but DP was getting fed up on the sofa/

Anyhow, DD2 is now coming up to 15 months - and she still wants to come into our bed after her night feed. But now she is old enough to understand when I say, "no you have to sleep in your own bed". So I'll give her a bottle and a cuddle and put her firmly back into her cot. Sometimes she goes straight off and other times she grasps my hand until she is asleep (usually less than 5 mins). She might have a little complain about itbut knows I mean business!

We're sort of going through the process again now as she has been ill and so back in with me for a week.

Wouldn't leave her to cry for more than a couple of minutes though. Can't do it.

Hello again, thank you, loops for the kind words. We don't have a freestanding wardrobe.

DD2 sleeps in the buggy, either falls asleep during a walk and I let her sleep, or after a breastfeed I put her in the buggy. She has never napped in her cot. Sometimes, she might have a 45 minute nap around lunchtime and then nothing and I know she is over tired. Or she might not nap till late pm when we have been shopping. Every day is different.

i think we will have to sleep on the sofa bed tonight.

We don't trust the sleep consultant now and want to be assigned somebody else.

Your child is 13 months?-please do try cc-I firmly believe that the mothers well being is equally as important as the child. It cant be doing your marriage much good either.

I will get flamed but I would give up bf too-all the bf babies I know are still up 3/4 times a night at age 2 and over-fuck that for a game of soldiers!!.

All the best.

I'm a sleep consultant ( in training ), but I would never recommend control crying, neither would it be a problem with you sharing a room, and naps would Definatley be included. I'm sorry you haven't had much help, but a good sleep consultant should be helping you with the situation you are in ( not just saying it wont work as you share room/ bf/ etc).

I can't guarantee anything, or do anything this side of Christmas, but if you still need/ would like help in the new year please pm me and I will give you a free consultation / sleep program

DS is 15 months and still naps in his pushchair in the day

He also sleeps all night in his cot, can self-settle, is night-weaned (BF just before bedtime) and only wakes up once or twice and is easy to re-settle without BF.

If DD napping in the pushchair doesn't bother you then I'd just leave it. We decided to get the nights sorted before tackling the naps (as he's not a great sleeper and I thought it was more important for him to nap in the day than worrying about where he naps).

To be honest, I suspect DS will never nap in his cot and will give up the daytime nap before we try to get him to nap in his cot.

I really recommend Andrea Grace's Gentle Sleep Solutions. I feel so much better now than a few months ago.

I also like how she addresses mum's sleep problems (bearing in mind you've been waking up every few hours for over a year, your own sleep patterns are destroyed) and gives suggestions on how to improve your sleep. I really needed it!

Some children never nap in their cot, DS didn't for ages but has now decided he wants to again. Would she fall asleep on a short walk round the block or with just being pushed back and forth? If so you could use the buggy to try and up the naps.

Have you tried pushing or feeding until sleepy but not asleep and putting in cot then?

Does she sleep in her pushchair at around the same time most days?

When you put her down at night do you have the same routine - same person, bath or story or song or whatever?

If it were me (and please ignore all or anything that doesn't suit you) I'd do the following:

If she's sleepy this afternoon, feed her until sleepy, and put her in her cot, staying and patting/picking up/whatever soothes her to sleep.

Bedtime I've always done bath, milk, story, teeth, song, but whatever works for you. Feed again until sleepy. Put in cot, do the shush/pat/whatever until she sleeps.
When/if she wakes, leave for 5 mins to see if she settles. Then go in again and calm her down preferably without picking her up. Offer more milk if needed.
Next time, wait a little longer, say 7 minutes. This time just pat.
10 mins, next time, checking she's not super distressed. 10 mins each time after.

You and DH sleep downstairs.

Tomorrow morning make sure she's up reasonably early (before 8)

At 10ish put her down as per nap today. Wake at 11.

At 1.30ish put her down for nap. Don't let her sleep past 3.30.

Make sure she does something fairly active in the morning and the afternoon, but nothing too exciting after dinner.

As I said, that's just what I'd do. I'm no supernanny or sleep consultant or whatever.

forevergreek thank you for the lovely offer, we will see how things go!
We paid a fair bit for the support and I expected to get a proper programme of what to do, obstacles and how to overcome them, naps and scheduling all tailored to our situation which we provided detailed information about. Instead we got a page and a half of A4 of basic stuff that had been cut and pasted.

I'd like DD2 to nap in her cot so that DD1 and I can do activities together and not having to keep the noise down - she has had over a year of that!

Today, DD2 napped at about 11.15 till 12.45 in the buggy but a good length of time. Tonight went well, I put her down, she whinged for about three minutes, sat up quiet for about ten minutes and then fell asleep!

I like those timings for naps Loopy as I think she still needs a shortish nap in the morning as otherwise she can't make it through lunch then I'm doing 2 lunch sittings. I think schedules help babies as then they know what is happening

Worried about tonight but if we are downstairs at least she won't be all worked up.

thanks again everybody

Not read all the replies, so sorry if this has been said already. I've just done cc with dd who is still in my room, we set up a blow up mattress elsewhere so I could leave the room. I also extended the time only by 2 minutes each time, rather than doubling the minutes. Hth. I know it's hard but it's better for them in the long run if they get good sleep habits now.

Oh, just seen you are going to sleep downstairs
Good luck tonight anyway.

I did sleep training with ds1 with support from the HV - we did a sleep diary for a couple of weeks, she drew up a plan based on that, came back to visit after 2weeks then again 2weeks later. There was a big improvement after 10days and he was sleeping well for 2 naps a day and all through the night after 4 weeks.

I'd ask for your money back!
With the advice we had everything revolved around his sleep times till it was sorted - he had to have a proper nap in his cot and the proper night time sleep routine every single time he went to sleep day and night so that he really understood what was going on. If he fell asleep during a bf once and carried on with the sleep then it was back to square one.

Update - last night at put down she whinged for four minutes, then sat up awake in the cot, asleep 20 minutes after being put down. She whinged at 2.20am but did not wake (I woke up though grrrrr) BUT she slept through till 7.15 when DP woke her!!

We are in state of shock.

Tried to out her down for a nap at lunchtime but she really wasn't having it so she went in the buggy after BF as normal. We need to work on that.

I know we still have a way to go but I recking she was more than ready and a vote of confidence in Controlled Crying!