i just need a crystal ball

[GEM33]

Youre all probably sick of hearing me going on about my hourly wakings through the night. The fact Ive made a rod for my own back and breast fed me baby to sleep most of her life and whenever she wakes in the night is kind of making bitter and twisted.
DD was born and from that day forward didnt stop crying unless we held her. Now at 10 months old, she wont sleep unless my boob is in her mouth and its got even worse in that now she wont let go of my nipple and I have to wait until she is in deep sleep to unlatch her. Yes we co sleep.
This is now a very uncomfortable, totally pissing me off situation and STILL I HAVENT GOT THE BALLS TO BLOODY SLEEP TRAIN!!!!!
Im totally peed off with myself for moaning about a situation that I am too scared of trying to change.
We tried a bit of sleep training before and the 3 hours of crying each night were soul destroying. then we recently went through a stage of rocking her to sleep each time she woke up and limiting night feeds to 3 or 4. Then it got too tiring to get up and rock so we went back to a million feeds a night,
Ive now just left the bedroom in tears whispering to my partner, you bloody do what you want with her to get her to sleep because i cant cope any more.
I can hear her crying, even though he is rocking her.
Im so scared of emotionally hurting her by sleep training but its getting to the stage where I think I could be doing more harm by not teaching her to fall asleep some other way. Why the hell have I not got the determination to do something. (maybe since we dropped our 2 hour morning nap Im even more exhausted ?)
I would love to have a sleep expert come and live with me for a week to hold my hand through some sleep training. I pray for a little miracle that something will change by itself. I havent got any money, Im in so much debt as Ive had to increase my maternity leave through sleep deprivation.
Im going to have to do something. Please just come and give me a hug.

Oh you poor thing. This is the annoying thing about sleep deprivation - you are so tired you simply don't have the emotional strength to do even basic training and revert to what's easiest. I sympathise. We were exhausted but the realisation that we were awake no matter what's se it easier to do at least some training.

Can someone come and help you for a night so you can get a decent night sleep before you take issues? A friend or your mum or someone who will do the middle of the night while you sleep (preferably somewhere else so you can't even hear her?)

Is it possible to swap a dummy for your nipple? Although we didn't bf so I don't know much about stopping bf to sleep.

Hugs.

Oh dear that really does sound like a nightmarish situation I do feel for you xx I agree with above poster maybe try using a dummy?? The thing with extreme sleep deprivation is that it clouds your judgement and ability to make decisions so this must just feel like an unmanageable situation/task. I know it's heartbreaking to hear your baby cry but she must be tired too so in the long run training her to sleep on her own and fall back to sleep if she wakes must be a good thing? Is she feeding in the night out of comfort rather than hunger? It's such a difficult situation but if I were you I would make going to bed as lovely bd comforting as you can and then stick with whatever sleep training method you choose...out of interest what did you try before? We did cc 5 mins, 10 mins etc and did not get ds out of cot. Obvs if he was ill or teething its different. I really hope you get it sorted coz sleep dep really is awful xx

You are not going to emotionally damage your child by sleep training. It sounds you are emotionally damaging yourself by not sleep training and this will have an impact on your child!

I found The Science of Mom blogs extremely useful in helping my decision to sleep train. I treat interweb info with a hefty pinch of salt but this lady is a scientist by profession and has done extensive literature searches into the impact of sleep training which she seems to have done objectively and well (and she isn't trying to sell a book).

I hope you find something that works. xx

Op, just a thought as sounds like my ds; read up on non-IgE allergies. Sorry, in a rush will come back later

Yes - my dd has ridiculous food intolerances. If I eat the wrong thing or if she does, she will have nights like yours. If we get it right, she sleeps for up to 5-6 hours a go. She's 11 months almost.

Food intolerances/allergies cause night wakings. Most people don't realise as its brushed over by many sleep trainers but if you read the older books eg Feberer, they are discussed.

What does she eat? What about you? Is she windy?

And why has she dropped a morning nap? Most babies have 2 naps at this age. Overtiredness will make it worae

read this

Oh and finally - the low point for me was DD waking every 20 mins some nights.

So I went on a low allergen diet. Rice, white meat, non green veg, no citrus, no spices, no onions, no dairy, soya or gluten, no alcohol, chocolate etc etc.. Then added back in foods to identify the culprits. it really helped.

Do you eat a lot of processed foods? Dairy etc?

Oh poor you, have no advice as ds is younger than your dd and we're struggling with sleep too. But have a and my very kindest thoughts, I am sharing some of your exhausted sleep training angst.
You haven't made a rod for your back, I hate that negative expression, you have lovingly and sacrificially done what your dd needed to feel safe and get her rest in previous months. Now it's not working for you anymore (only so much anyone can sacrifice!) so you're trying to find a compromise between her desires and your needs. As far as I can work out that is just being a good mum, and I'm sure you won't emotionally damage your daughter as you find that compromise.
Hope you find a solution soon, and that today feels a bit brighter than last night x

GEM33, I was in exactly the same position nine years ago when my 10 month old DS was waking contstantly and needing nursed back to sleep. I too had to delay going back to work because of the sheer physical and mental exhaustion. I just couldn't cope.
I thought about sleep training a lot, but like you I kept putting it off. Would I harm my baby? Would it damage our relationship?
I felt I owed it to him to help him get some proper, restful, independent sleep. He would be off to nursery in a few months and how would he cope then when I wasn't there?
I realised the lack of sleep was actually damaging my relationship with my DS. I wanted to be kind/loving by being there for him but it was having the opposite effect as I grew tired and bad tempered.
So for the sake of my relationship with my DS (and my DH) we very reluctantly made the decision to sleep train and bought a book and tried to do it ourselves. We failed as we always gave in. In the end we called a sleep training company called Millpond (not sure if they are still going) who talked us though it over the phone and called back each morning to see how we got on. Not very expensive but worth every penny. With their suppport it worked. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and the first two/three nights were truly awful. But then a few nights in he slept through and we never looked back. He is now nearly ten, a fantastic young man who is kind, bright, happy, full of fun and tells me he loves me every day!
I do not have a crystal ball for you, but I do know how you feel. This worked for us, can't talk for anyone else. Nine years down the line I have no regrets about doing it. (Wish I could have had a crystal ball too back then!) Wish I'd the courage/support to take charge sooner.
DS and I often talk about his sleeping habits when he was a baby and he asks "why didn't I sleep,mummy?". All I can say is I have no idea! But he remembers nothing about it or the sleep training that followed. Good luck. x

sorry its taken me ages to get back to this post. Thanks so much everyone for your support. sometimes this is the only thing that keeps me sane. Mrscardigan, i love your post. i think millpond are still going ive heard of them before. i definitely need someone/thing to help me through this. i will give in easily as i hate dd crying. but like someone else has said, i am probably at the stage where ill be doing more harm by not sleep training. like today, we left her with her g/p for a couple of hours and we had to rush back because it was nap time and only boob or car will get her to sleep. she was in tears with tiredness when we arrived. it made me realise what the hell will her carer do with her when im back at work. its not fair on dd to expect her to cope without giving her those skills before in a loving and gentle way.
re food inolerances, i hdant thought about this, yes i eat loads of crap. lots of dairy. dd is pretty windy. she doesnt eat that much food at the minute, she is so full of milk i have to admit that it spoils her appetite for solids. she is chewing really well with the blw but still more tasting things than filling her tummy.. everything i give her is home made salt free wholesome food (and our dinners etc) but i eat plenty of cake and cream, biscuits. maybe i should look at this because some nights like a few in a row every 3-4 weeks she only wakes 4-5 times which is amazing. i'll try this exclusion diet, to be honest i need to look at my diet anyway.
Thanks so much everyone. i just crack every now and then and i cracked and im glad you were there to sympathise. x