I want to co-sleep, DH doesn't

[PenelopeChipShop]

I only discovered this last night and not in a good way.

Ds is 11 weeks and we've been co-sleeping since he was about 5 or 6 weeks. We've got a sidecar cot but in practice, he either starts the night in there and joins me for the rest of the night after the first feed in our bed (usually about 1, so most of the night) or doesn't settle in the cot at all, in which case I just put him in with me straight away and he sleeps beautifully.

It's worked brilliantly as far as ds and I are concerned - he sleeps really well between feeds and doesn't even have to wake us up by crying when he's hungry, just snuffles at me and I get a boob out then drift off again. I never dreamed you could do this before having him and I am happy with the arrangement, I was going to carry on for as long as the night feeds continue and possibly longer if ds wanted.

But DH wants him out of our bed. Last night he came in about an hour after I had gone to bed with ds - we were both asleep and he was in with me. DH just took him away, waking us both up, and put ds in the cot, not even trying to resettle him, then got into bed. Of course, he started crying, and I was annoyed at being woken too! I asked DH what he was doing and he just said ds has to learn to sleep on his own and he 'doesn't think it's healthy for him to be in with us long-term'. I said I didn't think it could be considered long-term when he's not even 3mo yet!! DH suggested waiting half an hour (!) to see if he settled in the cot, I don't think he planned on doing anything to help though, just leaving him to cry.

I just took him back in and DH went to sleep in a grump. I am really annoyed. This arrangement benefits me as I would far more disturbed getting up to feed if ds was in a separate cot or - what DH really wants - his own room. I don't see why he can't be patient for a few more months while ds is tiny. Am really disappointed and a bit sad that our parenting techniques seem to be so opposite. Not sure what I'm asking really, just any advice. I recognise that for co-sleeping to work, all three of us have to be happy with it. But I'm sad - and resentful, tbh - that I should have to stop just because he demands it. And then get less sleep. WWYD?

Oh God, sorry that was so long.

Really feel for you.

DH was completely won over after reading the Dr Sears book for dads before DS was born, but if you go to his website you will find some info that might help your DH

www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems

As you have found, late in the evening is the wrong time to discuss parenting styles, it was selfish of your DH to aproach it like this.

Try and talk to him calmly, sounds like he has some thoughts he hasn't been able to express. Good Luck

Or perhaps this page would be better?

www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems/7-benefits-sleeping-close-your-baby

Tell DH to sleep in a separate room if it bothers him.

Sensitive subject for me as before ex and I split we had been co sleeping with dc for 9 months. Dc has never slept unless he is being cuddled and as I was breastfeeding it was so much easier. But ex complained every single night saying he should be in his own room etc. But, it wasn't him that would be getting him settled, waking up and getting out of bed every hour and dying of sleep deprevation. He just wanted more opportunities for sex!

Much easier now he has buggered off and me and dc get the while bed to ourselves!

Is it sex related?

I think his approach was totally inappropriate TBH- I would be livid if DH did that. I think you need to talk it over when you are both fully awake.

I cosleep with DD- DH was definitely not as keen, but now he can see I am well rested and its working for us. Then again- he currently sleeps in the spare room!

It is tricky working these things out, but hopefully when you're both calm and not too tired you can persuade him come to an agreement. But make sure he knows that waking a baby and his Mum is never a good course of action!

thanks for those links Hope I will try and get him to look when we"re both calmer. I've read some Dr Sears stuff online and the book Three in a Bed which reassured me in my decision but this is another area where we differ - I love reading childcare books and he hasnt read any, he says he prefers to use his instincts.

Pumpster I think it might be, yes. we haven"t managed it yet and I know that's probably unusual. I suspect the sleeping arrangement doesn't help as ds is always with us. I do want to but its hard to create the opportunity! Sorry if tmi!

My line used to be "If you're not prepared to get up at night and help then butt out and let me decide"

Unreasonable, maybe, but then he was being as well. (XP was a controlling arse) Crying it out was not something I was prepared to do. DS slept with me until 26 months and then went perfectly happily into his own bed in his own room and slept through within 2 months. Even before this his night wakings hadn't disturbed me as I'd been right there and able to settle him straight away.

Maybe you need to have a talk (at a calmer time) and instead of going at loggerheads with your preferred solutions try discussing what you both want to achieve and what your worries are. So if his worries are that it will be harder to get DS out later you could look at things like a sidecar cot or perhaps say Let's do this until 6 months and then reconsider. Or if you like the convenience of an undisturbed night then maybe he needs to do some resettling after a feed.

Not at all unusual not to have had sex by 11 weeks :) Don't feel pressurised to do it before you're ready!

I'm not one for co-sleeping (way too paranoid about smothering, but that's just me - if you're happy and it's working then well done you) but in terms of having baby in a cot in your room, NHS recommends it up until around 6 months at least as there are lower rates of cot death among babies whose parents do this with them. That's at least one bit of non-childcare-manual info you could present him with perhaps?

(And the sex thing is perfectly normal, BTW. We still haven't and DS is four months this week. Too bloody knackered!)

As for sex, we discovered a whole house full of possibilities when cosleeping. Sofa was the most comfy but the bathroom was fun. Sadly the kitchen had no curtains

Just to offer another point of view, is your DH frightened of having DS in the bed at all? My DH was petrified of rolling on top of DD1 when she was a baby, and I spent hours up through the night settling her. By the time we had DD3, DH was much more relaxed around tiny babies and she co-slept more or less from birth (though I did wake up one night to find DH frantically patting all over the bed. When I asked hi what was wrong he said 'Where's the baby??'. Umm, in her cot, you eejit. He has no memory of this.)

I would say that DH was very understanding about restarting our sex life, so I am sure that this didn't factor in his fear of co-sleeping.

No sex here at 14 weeks! Don't think it's that unusual is it - I mean, where on earth do you find the time if nothing else!I think your DH approached it the wrong way and it sounds like you need to sit down and have a calm chat together. Hope you manage to work it out - this new baby time puts interesting pressures on relationships doesn't it.

Well, we talked, no magic resolution but it seems to be a misunderstanding... he said he just thought that's what I'd want him to do as we do usually try to get ds to start the night in his cot. He assumed I'd just fallen asleep feeding and not tried to settle him. Hmmm. I explained that I found it rude but I didn't actually get an apology.

We're going to carry on while I'm feeding at night but he definitely wants ds in his own room by 6-8 months and ideally sooner. I think we should play things by ear rather than have a definite plan. But his pov is very culturally conditioned he just thinks 'babies sleep in cots, end of' and doesn't want to question it. Am a bit conflicted but I know we have to compromise.

OP, your post really saddened me. From what you wrote, your partner sounded really inconsiderate...placing what he feels entitled to over what you and your baby need right now. I'm sure you're aware of how beneficial co sleeping is for your baby, and how great it is for you as a new mum in terms of getting enough rest and managing the night feeds with as little disturbance as possible.

Please let your partner know that co sleeping is normal, natural, healthy. And that a lot of men out there are very supportive of the practice as they feel that its important to place the needs of mum and baby first, especially when baby is young and mum is getting breastfeeding established.

I co sleep about half the night with my DD who is 6 months. Bed isn't quite big enough for 3
DH takes the spare room when she comes in. Relationship is strong, sex life is good...though its hard to find as much time as we would like for it. We are both very aware that DD won't be a baby for long and as she is likely to be our only child we try to keep that in mind and treasure this time, difficult as it is, while it lasts.

I hope that your partner will be more supportive of you in the future.

Penelope, me and my dp thought exactly the same as your dp and assumed we would move her at 6 months. Now she is 6 months we have realised we love cosleeping and plan on continuing. So wait and see and once your dp has got used to the idea he may just change his mind :)

It sounds like he didn't have a clue you felt strongly about it.

In my experience blokes find it very difficult to understand the demands of breastfeeding. Our third is 9 months and my husband has been asking pretty frequently when DS3 is going to be in his own cot and own room, completely forgetting the traumatic exhaustion I went through for months with DS2 sitting at his bedside feeding him 6 times a night.

However, try not to get furious at his insensitivity - you really don't want to let this become the focus of discord.

And listen to his point of view too. Cosleeping is how I've survived the last months, but it isn't always the answer long term. DS3 is now incapable of sleeping without my nipple in his mouth, and he bites when he's teething (youch!). This week we have resorted to controlled crying...

So many great points of view, thank you! I love this place! Even though I've been to a mum and baby group today I didn't feel I could raise this as almost everyone I know is doing quite strict schedules ( or claim to be anyway ) and wouldn't even consider co sleeping so I don't think they'd understand this.

I kind of agree with mitsouko and violetroses - I do think he was inconsiderate the other night and absolutely I think this has to do with sex sadly. But perhaps I have also failed to make it clear that I actually enjoy this and want to do it for ds benefit not just bc it's convenient.

Good to hear that yours came round though hearmyroar!

I would have liked to co-sleep but DH was against it. I think a lot of men have an issue with it, they don't want to get usurped. I'm not sure it's only about sex, think it goes deeper than that.

Can you try and strike a compromise - for example, at 7 months you will move him into his own room, until then you may co-sleep as is less tiring for you. DH is then to do 50% of the settling involved in own room without commenting that it would have been so much easier had you not co-slept etc etc etc. Something like that?

He needs to recognize that the night feeds are tiring for you, but equally I think the guy's feelings about his position in the marital bed are to be considered too.

I would also drop the discussion about his behavior in the night if you can bear to - some misunderstanding was involved, and a lot of guys find it practically impossible to apologise, it's not always worth forcing them to.