Looking for advice about co-sleeping

[MangoHedgehog]

DD2 is 10wks old and we have co-slept pretty much since day 1. I have taken quite a lot of stick for this decision from parents, ILs, friends, the HV etc, and fielded many comments mostly of the 'rod for own back' variety.

The thing is, though, DD2 is a beautiful sleeper. She knew night from day really early on. Generally she wakes only 1-2 times a night and a quick bf will always send her straight back. I hardly even have to wake properly to feed her, and it is just bliss feeling so rested (the complete opposite of DD1!) so I really feel that this is working for us at the moment. Also, I bloody love waking up next to the cute little devil every morning

However I'm still aware that it goes against the official advice and I admit that I'm sometimes a little alarmed by how close she snuggles to me at night - often I wake up to find her right next to me, under my duvet and lying almost on her front - I know the SIDS risk, so I put her back in the middle of the bed (DH and I have separate duvets), but she just rolls towards me again.

So I guess I have two questions, and I'd like to hear from experienced parents, as I already know what the 'official' line is. Firstly, am I really putting her in danger by co-sleeping? And secondly - will she ever sleep independently or are DH and I condemned to no sex in bed until she leaves home?

thanks for reading, all advice gratefully received!

Ditch the duvet and wear thicker PJs. I used to tuck my 4 tog duvet under the mattress so it could only reach my waist and wear a thicker top. I also got rid of the pillow.

DD and I have been cosleeping since birth and she's 9 months (she's my second BTW). She starts the night in the cot now and spends anything around up til 1am in there then I bring her in with me. So as she gets older you could try that?

Hi I had all of our children in bed with us, they are 21, 20, 17, and 8 now, it is brave of you to go against what is the 'fashion! regarding sleeping advice at this time, and believe me it will change..but I applaud you for going with your instincts....remember always this...when a baby is born it has no idea it has been born in 2012 and has to comply with the latest 'thinking' ..remember that each new born actually has no idea that 'controlled crying' is the latest ridiculous fad, as far as your baby is concerned it could be the stone age, your baby has been born in a time where unfortunately this has been forgotten. Imagine always that none of the modern day stuff exists, naturally the baby will want to be close to the mother like all other animals..it would instinctively not want to be placed away from the parents in another part of the 'cave' available for predators....I know I sound like I am ranting but I truly hate how new mums are made to feel as if they should go against their natural instincts....trust your instincts always and not the advice of others....me included I suppose! Good luck.

Watching with interest as I'd love to co-sleep with 4 week old dd3 but am just too scared of the increased SIDS/suffocation risk buy I keep nodding off bf here in the rocking chair at night which isn't ideal either!

Ps forgot to say...you of course know about the other benefits...they help themselves to breast milk and usually don't wake you up, but...I always had baby my side of the bed with bed guards and never between my husband and I because I don't think men necessarily have he same instinct re rolling on them etc..

Pps. Just to say incase you are worried that you will have a channel 4 documentary about yourselves and your huge family bed...all of ours got fed up with it at about 3 and slept peacefully in their own beds.

i agree get a guard rail and put her outside of you.

dd co slept until she was 2.5 then i got her a bed and made a big thing of letting her choose bedding etc and shes been in her own bed ever since. up until that point she did a gradual retreat where we would settle her in the spare bed by lying down with her while she fell asleep then leaving her but letting her come in with us if she woke in the night.

kids seek independence on their own eventually

We've co slept for 10 months.

There is some really good and well researched info from Durham University here www.isisonline.org.uk/ about safe cosleeping. It isn't dangerous unless one of you is drunk or tired.

We ditched the bed and just have a huge mattress on the floor now DS is mobile and wriggly. I agree about wearing thick pjs or a jumper so you can have the duvet very low just on your legs. We also have a bigger duvet than bed, it helps create the 'dip' where DS sleeps I think... Not sure how to explain that better.

Your HV is wrong there is no data that says its risky, unless other risk factors are present. Honestly the amount of twaddle I've heard HVs say recently!

Cosleeping is the only practical way to breastfeed imo. As breast milk is digested quickly they do need to feed more frequently, and I'll be buggered if I'm going to sit up in a chair to do that.

Besides two friends who bf but didn't cosleep, end up sleeping on a chair with the baby most nights and that really isn't safe.

Oh and as for them sleeping independently in the end I'm pretty sure they will one day and I personally couldn't care less when that day is

Exactly what Anthea said.
Much of my parenting style is instinctive and based on 'what would a cavewoman do?'
I coslept with both of mine in the spare room double bed (DH had our bed to himself and works early shifts so was not disturbed by night waking).
Had bed guards on both sides, the babies slept under cot sheets and I had a separate single duvet.
Both were bf for over 12 months and are now healthy 6 and 10 year olds.
DH would never be sleep deprived which meant he was able to take over and let me have long lie ins at weekends, which eased my tiredness during the early months!
HTH

Good to hear that others have found their LOs go off eventually! DD1 (5) is in her own room with a bunk bed so I am hoping that one day DD2 will want to move in there with her.

Those who have suggested a bed guard - do you know where I could find one that will fit a double bed? We've got a huge bed and all the guards I've looked at have got hooks underneath that only fit single beds.

Anthea I really agree with trusting your instincts about co-sleeping, and I do think it's a natural thing to do - my sleep pattern has definitely changed since having her, and I'm much more aware of her than I thought I would be. A couple of times I have caught her wriggling across the bed towards me in her sleep, and it's funny, she'd never be able to wriggle like that while she's awake! so her instincts are obviously in operation too.

I wouldn't call myself a "cosleeper", but DD3 comes into bed with me when she has a feed and I rarely manage to put her back to her cot. I wrap the duvet carefully round myself so it doesn't go on her. She is by the edge of the bed but always moves closer to me than the edge. I'd worry about your baby being in the middle of the bed, getting under your duvet and lying on her front. DD3 is 4 months and still doesn't roll so I'm surprised your DD does. I think you need to do something to stop her rolling onto her front and getting under your duvet - that's a real worry.

Just realised you said you have single duvets so ignore what I said about duvets... Two singles would work better than what we do anyway. You bloody well keep sleeping how you want to, the only rod you're making for your back is the fact that people will use that stupid expression every time you mention co sleeping. And if your HV questions it, just refer her to the excellent book Three in a Bed, and the ISIS research.

I've never used a bed guard - DDs have never rolled off.

I think the rolling thing is partly due to our mattress, which is a bit on the soft side (I did turn it recently but problem persists), and partly due to both of us falling asleep mid-feed, so she is already lying on her side and just rolls further towards me iyswim. I probably need to be a bit more disciplined about staying awake until she has finished her feed.

Thanks for the lovely supportive words, mummysmellsofsick, I will remember that!

OP I think you've had some great advice so far, agree with everyone.

We co-slept partially (still do to a point) by having cot up to side of the bed, with side off, and pillow filling the gap, it was all the same height. Similar to another poster, she'd go down on her own and then come with me from 1am ish.

Eventually moved her to her own room but with the spare double bed so DP got his room/bed back (I'd been kicking him out in to spare room or he'd go on his own accord) and I'd go in to DD when she woke. If she didn't settle straight away or I fed her to sleep on the spare bed, then we co slept.

It genuinely should be whatever works for you. DD is 13 months now and I'd say maybe 3 nights out of 7 we co sleep part way through the night. I like it, she loves it and DP get the kingsize bed to himself!

No one has mentioned the sex part of your OP Be innovative: sex in any part of the house apart from your co-sleeping bed!

My 3 dc's are now 22, 19 and 13. When ds1 was 6 months old, and never sleeping for more than 2 hours at any stretch, ever, day or night, my hv gave me a copy of Three In A Bed by Deborah Tannen, which convinced me that it was safe to follow my instincts, namely, that I wanted my baby close to me after they were born, and I didn't feel happy putting him in a bed in a room separate to me. And he hated, hated being alone, poor boy. He still didn't sleep much, but he was happy and contented to be close to me, and I slept more than I had done during that exhausting 6 months. Our lives were transformed Then, because co-sleeping was so fab with ds1, the younger two came into bed with me from birth.

Eldest DS moved into his own bed at about 3, but we still played musical beds til he was about 7. The younger 2 went into their own beds, and stayed there, at about 18 months/2 years old.

I loved co-sleeping. I'd go into the playgroups/playground, and hear all these other mothers complaining about sleepless nights, and feel sad for them, and happy for myself, because I simply wasn't tired!

Key points for me were:

• baby's head is level with your breast, not your head. This is what happens naturally, and even if you're bottle feeding, this is the position the baby should be in. People who put the baby's head next to theirs, and next to the pillow, are endangering the baby.

• have lightweight sheet/blanket; wear warmer pj's if you're cold (but you probably won't be because small babies are like hot water bottles!); ditch the thick duvets.

• don't co-sleep if you're drunk or have taken drugs.

• it's very dangerous to fall asleep on a sofa/armchair holding a baby as the baby can get stuck down the side of the chair and suffocate. The best way to co-sleep is in bed.

• your body will naturally curl around the baby, in a sort of protective manner. Then you'll breathe carbon dioxide (from your breath) over the baby, which apparently can help to stimulate the baby's breathing response, and which can protect the baby. Also, the height of your body will raise the (lightweight) bedclothes above the baby, and keep the baby safe.

• put something next to the bed to stop the baby falling out. I put a tall chest of drawers next to the bed with ds1, and with the next two dc's put the cot, with the side right down, next to the side of our bed, and tied it into place, so if the baby rolled over he/she rolled into the cot.

I loved co-sleeping with my babies. It felt odd at first, with my first child, but completely natural with the second two, and I ended up thinking that people that didn't co-sleep with their babies were the odd ones! - and the unlucky ones - I felt completely rested, and contented, while several friends fretted about getting up for night feeds and felt exhausted.

I agree with poster who said she thinks about stone age life. No stone age mother put their baby in a separate cave to fend for itself!! and in truth, how far are we removed from our ancestors?

Good luck, hope you find the encouragement and advice you're after. I'm soooo happy that I did have those fabulous years cuddling my babies; they don't half grow up fast!

We have the cot next to my side of the bed. He doesn't sleep in it but it forms a useful guard rail and receptacle for nappies needed in the night :)

We have a lindam bed rail on our double, just haven't put the hooky bits on the end, the rods go well under without them, its not going to move.

Just noticed I wrote 'drunk or tired' below I meant drunk or under the influence of drugs. I was tired when I wrote it, Freudian slip... Although there is something in co sleeping safety advice about not being safe if you are over exhausted. I personally haven't experienced any level of exhaustion that would make me likely to forget I was sleeping with DS next to me. I also read somewhere that bf mums don't go into the deepest phase of sleep at all.

Carry on cosleeping! We've got 19mo DD in with us now and have had since birth. That's because I soldiered on with my first (DS, now five) in a cot for 10 months and just gave up in the end because I wanted a good night's sleep. I've had that since birth with DD.

About nine months ago I took the side off her cot and attached it to the bed with bungee cords and she sleeps in there but can climb slightly to get into the bed if she needs a cuddle/feed. She is SO MUCH better at sleeping than DS. We had a blue fabric/mesh netting bedguard before that (BabyDan, possibly).

However I don't discuss this with other members of my family who have different approaches - it's just how we do it.

She'll probably go into DS' bottom bunk in about six months or so.

I co sleep my ds is now 4 when he was really little I had no duvet and used blankets but he was very prem and breast fed so I never even bought a cot. He has his own bed now which he uses if he wants but I'm in no hurry to 'make ' him sleep separately. A nurse in neo natal told me it was much better to co sleep properly ie with blankets, thicker pyjamas etc than to fall asleep in a chair or on the sofa, as most bad things that happen happen in those situations. For me it was a easy decision as ds wouldn't rest without being able to touch me, a left over from the kangaroo care he had for months in hospital. The dr told me then that I should remember every baby is programmed to want its mother, for thousands of years a child's survival depended soley on that and a child today doesn't know there are other 2012 options. And as for sex, me and dp just don't have sex in bed am now pregnant again and will be co sleeping.

I agree with all above. I had a pair of little bolsters attached with a fabric strap, that's a product made for new babies in the Moses basket. I used this between feeds in our bed, and felt it stopped me squashing ds as if I rolled towards him I felt the bolster first. Also use baby Dan bed guard, it even matches our bed. He's 7 weeks old, has shot up the growth charts, and I don't feel sleep deprived at all.