can't get our 4.5 year old to settle during the night

[Harbles]

Not sure what to do, our DD is 4 and a half and recently she has started waking in the night between 2 and 3am and then after that we're in luck if we get 45mins in before the next wake up and it just keeps on from there.

We put her in bed at 8.30pm and she's very good at going to sleep but then once she's woken she won't go back to sleep. I know that her mum lets her sleep in bed with her when she's at her house but we have never done that and it's never been a problem up 'till now (it started about a month ago and our family situation has been this way for almost 3 years). We can't let her in our bed because we only have a small double, but even so, neither DP nor I was allowed in our parents bed when we were small and don't feel it appropriate at 4 and a half really.

I've tried lots of things; reassuring that she's safe and we all love her, whispering about ballerinas and princesses etc, going in to check after 5 mins, then 10 mins then 15mins (after the 15mins she starts to whine in her bed), reassuring that there are no monsters etc, DP has tried all the settlers he can think of too. Last night we were all so tired the she got told off after the 5th time because it was just turning into a way of getting us into the room and not about bad dreams etc. She was quiet after that, and we must be able to distinguish between what happens at ours and what happens with her mum, but we felt so mean. I don't want to start telling her off everytime but how do we be firm so that this stops happening and we can all get our rest? We none of us can carry on like this, she looks so tried in the morning of course, and DP and I are just wiped out at work.

Does anyone have any ideas?

PS We have a steadfast routine that we have had for the past 2 years, I think. It's all about the wind down (bath, milk, teeth-clean, stories, wee, bed).

Really, no advice from anyone? I was coming to think that it might be a stage met quite a few children at around this age and was hoping to find out how others were dealing with it?

Hi
From your post I presume that your DD, is a step daughter? How often is she at her Mums?

I'm a single parent and am having a similar problem with my DS (6y) and I know when he stays at his Dad he sleeps with him. My DS gets upset at bedtime, wants in my bed, and I, like you, feel he should be in his own bed. If I do get him to sleep in his bed, most nights he comes into my bed during the night, and I'm too tired to put him back.

So I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, except maybe speak to her mum about the night time regime when she stays over there, explaining that it may be disruptive longer term.

Good luck,