Please help a first timer with a 4 week old...

[friedfrog]

Hello anyone...
As you all are, I am finding this sooo hard but I am wondering whether I am just an idiot.

My DD is 4 weeks old, for all the will in the world we can not get her to go down. She's fine during the day, then at 7 she has a bath which she loves, BF her which makes her fall asleep, but the second we put her in her basket she screams :( it can take us until half ten by which point she is close to next feed etc.

What am I doing wrong? Surely there are not thousands of new mums holding their babies for 2 hours....all I want to do is cry.....I am so not cut out to do this...:(

Hi there new mummy

First, don't think you are alone. It's hard, it really is hard and probably lots of mums do hold their babies for 2 hours. I'm sure most mums cry quite often about sleep - I did with both of mine. Eventually it gets better, I promise.

Perhaps it's time to try some of the "put her in the crib whilst she's awake" ideas? The basic theory is that babies don't like finding themself somewhere different to where they fell asleep - so if they fall asleep whilst BF when they realise they are now not with you they get upset. I used to do what you're doing - bath, BF until I was sure they were full, but then put baby into the sleepsuit/change nappy to wake them up a little bit before putting into the crib. Then I'd sit nearby and hope they went to sleep. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't and I'd rock the crib a bit, or try a dummy for a little while (or end up walking about the room jiggling them for ages). It took a good few nights to get them used to it but overall it seemed to work eventually.

Another thing to try, if you aren't already, is swaddling. Keeping their little hands swaddled in, so they don't wave them about as they fall asleep?

The other thing I noticed with both of mine was that they liked nuzzling into my dressing gown as they fell asleep - so I gave them little comforters of similar material to have in the crib near their face. People say if you sleep with the comforter first it makes it smell of you, which is meant to help. Both mine still have their comforters (2 and 4 years later!)

One last idea - maybe there's something about what time you put her down? Sometimes if they are too tired, it can be harder (weirdly).

Lots of luck and remember it's not you

Hey friedfrog, was wondering how it was going with you.

Just expressing solidarity - you are not alone, my DS is the same (3 and a half weeks old). We often end up holding him for a long time before he'll settle, I've been in tears from exhaustion more than once- hoping things will settle as he gets older.

Have had some success sometimes with putting him down before he's asleep, he nearly always wakes up if I'm cuddling him and then put him down. Sometimes swaddling works, but he doesn't really like it.

I do know how you feel, DH and I are like zombies - this too will pass!

I am awake after just settling my 2 week old back down after a night BF. This is my first so I am in no way experienced at this! Two things that I've been doing that helps is to put the baby down with the muslin cloth that I've used when feeding, like the other poster says its a comforter and the smell is familiar. Also although it is really warm at the moment, even so the mattress feels quite cold to touch when putting baby back down, so I've been going to bed with a hot water bottle, whenever I pick baby up I put the bottle in the Moses basket, then remove seconds before placing him back in, Its warm and snugly and seems to settle a lot quicker when I do this.

Sometimes nothing works though and I am too holding him for hours in the night!! Good luck xx

Thanks both, it took til midnight last night when I gave up and let her sleep on my chest (something she hasn't done since her first week).

Mouse thanks for the advice, in my desperation I had omitted that I try to put her on the crib awake ala baby whisperer. Yesterday she had slept til half 5 before I put her down. Do you think I am putting her down to early? What routine times do people try? Also when I do the night feeds, I can get her into the crib, it makes no sense!

Emblosion hello lovely, congrats! I can honesty say Izzy is fab just not at going to bed! I don't think I have ever cried do much. She likes being swaddle I just worry its too warm for her? Night feeds I can cope with, even the tiredness just not this spending the whole evening bit! Are you trying to get her in a routine? Is this my downfall?

Again thanks ladies...really stressed over this xx

My ds is 4 weeks and we have the same problem. In the end he has been sleeping in our bed where he goes straight to sleep. We have been trying to get him in his cot though. Sometimes it seems to work sometimes not! We have found the hot water bottle trick very useful and ds loves to cuddle a muslin so we let him keep one. Ds also in sleeping bags too which means less disturbance with blankets when you put him down.
However still ds does spend far to much time in our bed so if anybody has any more tricks I would love to know!

Friedfrog, you are doing so well. Your baby is still getting used to being out in the big, scary world and it's too early to expect her to understand routines, it will take a while. It is hard in the evenings and I spent many nights with DC asleep on my chest, simply because I fell asleep before she did.

Things that helped me included keeping her downstairs on my lap until i went to bed, feedingher wrapped in a blanket so that she didn't notice the cold mattress when put down, and cosleeping. Before DD arrived, i swore she'd be in her own cot but cosleeping saved my sanity (you can use a side cot next to the bed). I wish I'd swaddled her too as this would have made her feel secure (but i didn't know how to do it).

My DD only ever managed 1 night in her moses basket -we later realised she hated lying on her back due to reflux, so we then slept her on her side (contrary to SIDS advice, before i get flamed! but safer than on her tummy).

Forgot to say, Ds sleeps reasonably well in carrycot during the day but is in bed with me at night. This was not the plan but the only way to get any sleep - plan is to gradually shift him to his own cot (on side of bed)!

I think they are a bit little for routines at the mo, they just want what they want. Have been trying to just go with the flow, its hard tho!

DS also sleeps better on his side, it worries me too much to do it at night thi, especially with him co sleeping.

You're doing really well - I think a lot of mums just hold their babies at that age while they sleep. I have a 3 month old, and did spend a lot of time reclined back on the couch with LO in a sling while he slept. It wasn't ideal, but it worked. Swaddling worked for us up until about week 8.

LO has been in a routine since day 7 (I use a VERY lazy Gina Ford routine), and this has certainly helped with his sleep. It takes serious perseverance though, and lots of crying and wondering why on earth they just won't go to sleep, even though you know they are knackered. Now, at week 13, LO sleeps well at night about 8/10 times.

I always thought that LO didn't like being in his cot because he suddenly went from warm, snuggly me to being flat on his back with nothing surrounding him.
I used to put him in his pram, swaddled on his side, with a rolled up blanket which pushed his back up against the side. The rolled up blanket only went up to his chest so I had no fear of him suffocating (plus I would check every do often).

Thank you all! It's so nice being able to reach out emblosion that's so strange she will go on the basket during the day too!

Tonight I will try the hot water bottle trick tonight. Is it to hot to swaddle?

I wondered if it was something to do with there being more background noise during the day? DS seems to sleep through anything but is easily woken at night, almost as if its too quiet....

I tried to start a routine a couple of weeks ago but gave up as we were just nowhere near it, am gonna keep trying tho, just to get a bit of structure.

Hot water bottle trick sounds worth a try!

Try white noise - it saved my sanity at around the same time with DS.

It's not too hot to swaddle - maybe with just a nappy underneath the swaddle cloth.

Babies are programmed to want to cluster feed and cry to be held in the evenings, there is the odd one that goes happily into their basket at 6:59 and sleeps until 7am but they are not the norm!

4 weeks is really really little so with my 4wo DD (DC2) I'm just going with it until she seems more settled.

In my experience, friends who started trying to do routines at 2/4wo and generally got really stressed about it had them going to bed well by 2/3months. Those who just chilled out and went with it had them going to bed well at... 2/3 months!

Hello again friedfrog
Glad you're feeling a bit better for some support. I agree with everything everyone's said. One of my biggest realisations as a new mum was that there isn't always a right answer, you just keep trying things that people suggest and eventually something changes - but maybe it's just that the baby got older whilst you were wondering what would help! And I noticed too that that time of the evening is when it seemed hardest to get them to sleep. Poor babies, they don't know what we want!

I did the rolled up towel thing too, and the hot water bottle thing, and put the radio on for background noise - I felt all of it helped. On the "what time is the right time" question - I think eventually (but not at 4 weeks) you start to see signs that tell you when they are tired. Sometimes it's much sooner after a nap than seems likely - with mine definitely there was a stage where they seemed hardly up before they were tired again. In the meantime, you keep doing whatever seems helpful and something you can manage - and if that's sitting in a chair with them sleeping on you, that'll be fine. A midwife once told me the best thing for baby is whatever keeps you (fairly) sane...and I'm still applying that advice now.

The first bit is hard - not long now though until you get baby-smiles to cheer you up.

Thanks everyone!

What a difference a day makes, i discovered she likes to nap on her front (under my supervision not for night time).

My best friend came over last night at bath time, i fed her and then i was ordered to go for a drink with my OH while she put her to bed......scary! got home and although not asleep was snuggled with her. Fed her, swaddled her and SHE WENT TO SLEEP IN THE BASKET!!!

Also no colic this morning!!! Feeling much happier today...she seems to be happier too!

Thank you everyone, will let you know how we're getting on in a week :)

Glad you got to go out for a drink :)

Brilliant - and what a great friend!

Hi ladies

Just wanted to say thanks again. Since that night life has improved! We swaddled which worked, we also found that if I fed her and then put her down in our bed in her front (I know I shouldn't) she falls asleep instantly! I then pop a hot water bottle in her basket, remove it and pop her in there and she sleeps!

I have my sanity back and I think this makes me a better mummy and a nicer oh!

You are all lifesavers and I really appreciated your support

Frog x

Glad to hear it friedfrog we always put our dd on her front to sleep as would never settle on her back. I did this from when she was just 4 days old. She wasn't a fan of swaddling either!

The hot water bottle was always a great tool also I put whatever top I was wearing that day over the mattress as a fitted sheet so it smelt of me