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Sleep

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Original poster

This is horrible :( Tell me it will get better?

37 replies

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 19:54

Tying to get DS 8 months into a routine of sorts. He doesn't get enough sleep and has been staying up with us, falling asleep on the boob or on my shoulder late at night, co-sleeping and feeding through the night. He is tired in the day

So....we have since Wednesday been doing a routine of bath, story, wind down etc then putting him in his cot drowsy but awake and staying with him (in the room, no eye contact etc) whilst he falls asleep

But he is hysterical., DH is with him now and he is breaking his little heart and thrashing about. The last few nights the same although he finally falls asleep and maybe its getting quicker

But it is horrible. Tell me it will get easier, or work, or be worthwhile. And I feel like we are hurting him and breaking the trust

I hate this :(

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 20/07/2012 19:58

I want to tell you not to do it - because it doesn't sound like it is making you happy!

littlebluechair · 20/07/2012 20:01

Oh, I feel I have said the worng thing, but I am only saying that because there is no law you have to do any special sleep methods and you say you hate it.

You are allowed to back down and maybe try again in a fortnight, or try something else entirely, if you feel that would make you happier today.

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:02

I would do Pick Up Put Down. He doesn't sound ready for anything else yet.

Which is understandable if he is used to also having you as a sleep prop. It will take him time to unlearn that.

I would PUPD and then shush while gently stroking in cot. Give him some sort of comforter that smells of you, some gentle music or a mobile, and keep at it. It will take a while but is worth the perserverence.

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:03

Sorry, should have said nothing is worth you and him getting terribly upset though. Take it at your own pace. i just think it is important for dc to learn to sleep in their own bed as a baby if you are not planning to co sleep.

fluffacloud · 20/07/2012 20:05

It will get better, it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

When we were doing something similar with DD1 and I was feeling guilty about 'abandoning' her, my DM said - don't worry, she'll love you just as much tomorrow morning.

She was right

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:12

:) Thanks everyone

What is Pick Up Put Down?

He is asleep now but it was 40 minutes of horribleness to get him there :( Poor little mite

OP posts:

GEM33 · 20/07/2012 20:17

hi, your ds sounds exactly like my nearly 8 month dd. i had to post because its comforting to know we are not unusual.
everything you have said describes us.
i tried the staying in the room thing for 3 nights putting her down awake about a month ago and she cried for 3 hours each night hysterically and sweating and made herself sick and hoarse. i gave up as i felt ill listening to her like you say as if i was breaking the trust.
we have stuck to an earlier bed time and a routine (not rigid but just the same order we do things and a bedtime between 7-8) and it doesnt take me as long to get her to sleep now, even though i am still rocking and feeding to sleep but it used to take 2 hours. we still feed from 3-10 times through the night.
i am the wrong person to give advice, but all i will say is after trying everything, i am now just following my instincts (feeding and rocking to sleep still), because anything else upsets me and her.
the iron willed mums might say, carry on what you are doing despite the crying, dont back down and it may take 2 weeks or more but eventually he'll learn to settle himself (might be less frustrating for him with you not in the room as my dd gets wound up when we stay in with her).
unfortunately, im not iron willed!!!!
let me know how you get on xxxxx

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:21

Thanks Gem

It is comforitng to know I am not on my own so thank you

I will keep you posted - hope you carry on making progress with your DD

OP posts:

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:24

It just mean pick him up, comfort and settle him, calm him down, put him down back in the cot.

When he cries, and I mean cries not whinges iykwim, pick him up and comfort again etc until evetually he settles himself to sleep.

It can be very longwinded but can implement self settling without too much screaming.

Or you could do controlled crying where you comfort, put down and leave him crying for, say 1 minute, re settle, and leave him for 2 minutes, etc getting longer each time. I did that with dd1 for her daytime nap, but it never seemed right for us to do it at night. I know that sounds odd
but it only took her a couple of naps to get the hang of it.

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:25

*means

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:30

That sounds good but (and I'm channelling my mum here) would I not be "teaching" him that if he cries I will pick him up?

I am desparate to pick him up when he cries, but now I am scared that if I do, I will have put him through the last 3 nights for nothing :(

But if people are telling me they have picked up, settled, put back and left for a bit and then the babies have got it and gone to sleep then I am tempted to try this

OP posts:

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:36

But if he is crying, if you ignore him then your option is letting him cry himself to sleep.

Some dc need to do that, they will scream for 5 mins and conk out. Others will cry and cry until they are sick - they won't conk out

By PUPD you are teaching him (I think) that you are there, there is nothing to worry about, but it is bed time. If he feels assured then he should drift off. Eventually.

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:37

Sorry - I don't mean ignore in a horrible way, I mean not pick him up.

littlebluechair · 20/07/2012 20:37

Why would you not want your baby to think that you'll pick him up if he cries?

Our DS2 was totally mollycoddled (after illness, we were the softest touches ever). He now sleeps straight through in his own bed. There are no rules. If you want to leave him in his cot, leave him. If you want to pick him up - you pick him up.

Don't channel your mum, she might interfere with you finding your own parenting style.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:38

OK - that sounds good. It feels so unnatural to not pick him up and I feel I am teaching him that bed is a horrible place to be

I like the sound of what you are suggesting..........I will try it

Thank you

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 20/07/2012 20:41

Good luck.

Please never feel scared to say 'this isn't working' - I have tried soooo many things til I found my way, feeding, sleeping, discipline, homework motivation, activities - so many times I tried something and then thought 'this is not going right' - it is fine to switch and try something else. It doesn't matter that you tried for three days and are now looking for a different tack.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:42

Thank you - a very comforting and helpful thread

OP posts:

GEM33 · 20/07/2012 20:43

what billybolly is saying about the pupd is what the baby whisperer recommends (or rather used to when she was alive) and i have heard that it works for some babies. i tried it, but like billy says, ive got the scream forever type baby. if you say your ds only cried for 40 mins, i think thats pretty good. it sounds like you could make prgress if you carry on.
one thing that dh says to me when we go through something horrid with the baby is, they wont remember when their older and they will still love you the same and that helps me. ;-)

BillyBollyBandy · 20/07/2012 20:43

You're welcome Good luck!

JemimaPuddle · 20/07/2012 20:47

Catgirl we did PUPD with DD2 & went from feeding many times a night and feeding to sleep etc to 7 to 5am & 2 2 hours naps in about 4 days and it was, dare I say it, fairly easy! For example PUPD first morning nap took 40 mins second day, same nap PUPD once!! Once!
It was amazing for us. Dd2 was younger than your LO but I can't recommend it enough :)

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:51

Jemima I am sold on that :)!

OP posts:

WaferThinPaperSkin · 20/07/2012 20:54

Hi OP. Firstly, I think a lot of us know your pain - it's utterly heart breaking. My DD used to fall asleep on me and then I'd put her to bed once she was asleep. I've never been one to let her cry (I know it is fine for a lot of people but I just couldn't do it). Eventually I tried the baby whisperer PUPD method and it worked for us really well. It took us a couple of weeks to crack it but it did work. I just felt it was more in line with my gut feeling than leaving DD to cry. I am def a pick up when crying sort of mum.

Whatever you decide to try, good luck and hang in there. Just try and remember that this will all be a memory soon (yours, not your ds's, he won't remember it at all).

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 20/07/2012 20:56

Thanks Wafer

I know he won't remember - each morning I have been looking to see if I have changed him though :(

So far he is still his gorgeous, cheery self

OP posts:

CakeAndCaffeine · 20/07/2012 21:22

I second little bluechair's advice - you have to do what feels right for you. I can't bear to hear DD screaming (and she goes straight to full on screaming, not just a few little complaints!) and for me it was more important that she knew I would pick her up if she cried, than to 'train' her. But I do think everyone has to find their own way and balance out your need for sleep with your DC's. You need your energy too! But if you decide to stop, don't feel bad or liked you've failed, there's no law about when and how long a baby should sleep for! Go with whatever feels right for you.

omama · 20/07/2012 21:33

I think the other thing you need to remember is that he is crying because he is cross/frustrated that you aren't putting him to sleep the way he is used to, and not because you are abandoning him or breaking his trust (because you are right there with him). I also used PUPD & sssh/pat with my DS (b/c couldn't bear to do CC or CIO) & found them both very successful techniques.

IMHO the fairest thing you can do now is see it through, otherwise all the crying will have been for nothing, and that in itself will be confusing to your DS. It really will get easier & within a couple of weeks you'll be wondering why on earth you didn't do it sooner - it made the world of difference to us.

And pp's are right - they do still love you in the morning.

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