Co sleeping anxieties

[Mitsouko]

It's 6 am and I'm lying in bed beside DD. She's 15 weeks and has never been an easy sleeper. Had terrible, terrible colic and reflux until 10 weeks and would not tolerate being put down at all. Fortunately she's now doing better with that, but its still rough. Until last week she was sleeping from about 9 til 2 in her bednest, waking to feed then usually going back down from 3-5 and 6-8. But now she's not settling into bednest quite so early or so well. Started bedtime at 7 last night as she was so fussy and exhausted, she didn't settle until 11, then woke at 1, 3, 5. I have taken to feeding lying down and bed sharing as she wakes when I try to move her, but I find it very, very hard to relax with her in the bed. We are following all co sleeping guidelines, so I don't know why. I just keep imagining the worst. I've tried using a respisense monitor but its no use as she is such a fitful sleeper, she thrashes about so much it gets unclipped from her nappy and sets off false alarms. I wish I could just relax and be a peaceful, cuddly co sleeper until my baby's sleep improves enough that she can settle in a cot for awhile. The more sleep deprived I am, the worse the anxiety gets.

Hi Mitsouko, sorry to hear youre having a tough time.

Firstly, have you spoken to your HV? Post-natal anxiety is a recognised subset of PND. I was diagnosed with PND but anxiety was my main symptom - worrying that the baby would be hurt (or worse) all the time, and seeing scenarios in my head of how it might happen. I didn't want to see them, they were just there all the time. They're called intrusive thoughts. Do you think you're having them?

Secondly - and I don't think this will help much if you are poorly, which I suspect you might be - is that co-sleeping, when practiced according to the guidelines, is perfectly safe. In fact there is some good evidence to show it is safer for your teeny tiny baby to be close to you :).

Your quality of sleep is also such a huge factor in how well you feel, and co-sleeping will maximise this (you can tell I'm a fan).

Are you Japanese, btw?

The problem here isn't cosleeping, it's your anxiety. I can't give any advice on that as I don't know the root of the anxietal problems.

If you're following guidelines then you've probably already come across the information that will make you worry even more if she isn't in the room with you. We 'sidecar' attached a cot bed to our bed (just took one side off the cot bed). That way everyone had their own space, plus I had room at the foot of the cot bed to store my nightime snacks and drinks. As DD got bigger she gradually started moving over into our bed, when she was about a year old we got rid of the cotbed into her own room, but coslept for another year. When she was 2 she started wanting her own bed some nights and we miss cosleeping.

Oh, and if you haven't already, I would ditch the monitor. I assume you're breastfeeding? If so, you are will already be incredibly responsive to your baby. I used to wake moments before my ds every time! As you say, the monitor will just add to your anxiety.

I do understand where you're coming from buying one, btw. I bought an egg timer to make sure ds wasn't going too long between feeds at the beginning . It's a vicious cycle, though. You buy them because you're anxious, but then using them makes you more anxious :(

Ah, thanks for the support. I'm still awake so it really helps. Yes. The problem is definitely my anxiety rather than the co sleeping itself. I know co sleeping is safe. Have read Dr sears, Dr mckenna, lord of studies, 3 in a bed which was a lovely book. But then read one letter from a guardian reader whose baby died in bed and since then I just haven't been able to relax. I feel so much safer when DD is in her bednest but I have to bring her into my bed for feeding and she wakes and cries when I try to move her back in. Every once in awhile I can get away with it, but she's such a light sleeper she usually wakes when moved. There is a movement monitor in the bednest as she needs to sleep on her side from the reflux. It's just so nice when she's settled in there as I know she's safe, I can stretch out and relax while still being able to give her reassuring touch, and DH doesn't have to go to spare room...our bed is a small double so not big enough for 3.

But yes, I do think the real problem is the anxiety as I don't mind co sleeping and DH is happy to give the bed if DD won't settle in bednest.

Will you speak to you HV?

Thanks so much for listening...it helps a lot. I'm definitely having intrusive thoughts and anxiety issues around DD and her safety. These get worse when I'm exhausted. I've had a few panic attacks and tearful days off and on. I've not spoken to the HV as am afraid they would discourage co sleeping (especially bed sharing) and want me to be more strict with DD and let her cry, which I just can't do when she is so young and tiny and in discomfort.

Unfortunately I don't have much faith in the NHS for MH issues. I have struggled with anxiety and depressive episodes for almost 20 years and have been on every medication in the book - all limited help with terrible side effects. My last episode was 8 years ago following divorce from ex. Was on 5 AD's over the course of a year - 3 were ineffective and 2 made things frighteningly worse. Talking therapy was slightly more helpful, but with 6 month waiting list I'd pretty much worked through my issues by the time I got round to seeing the counsellor. I've had private therapy in the past but money is very tight right now with me on maternity leave and we are struggling to make to on DH's salary and my SMP.

I'm just trying to do the things which have been helpful for my issues in the past - breathing, getting out, long walks. I am probably a little too isolated as family is abroad, and I have no friends on maternity leave at the moment - all busy with work and kids in that hectic London way. I see people every few weeks at best. DH is wonderful though, very supportive despite working long hours.

I wish I could get DD more settled in the bednest. It's really nice, just beside the bed - I can reach out to her and give her reassuring touch, and see her and hear her breathe - and there's an Angelcare monitor in there as I have to sleep her on her side due to the reflux - so I know she's safe and I can stretch out in the bed and sleep and DH can stay in with us instead of going to spare room. But she's such a light sleeper that 9 times out of 10 she wakes when moved. So then it's back in the bed with me. Which should be lovely and snuggly instead of keeping me up all night. I just feel like if I allow myself to drop off I'm going to wake up to something horrible. This isn't healthy, is it?

So sorry to hear you've had long term issues (I can empathise), and I appreciate that you must feel pretty pessimistic, but will you also accept that feelings on helplessness come with very low mood?

I really think you would be wise to speak to your HV/GP - just leave out your sleeping arrangements if they aren't supportive! They don't need to know.

Some ideas for things you can do now: Are you taking a good B vitamin/supplement for breastfeeding supplement with vitamin D? Getting some sun every day?

This sounds obvious, but you need to prioritise sleep. Because your sleep is so broken you will need more total hours than usual. Can someone come over for the day and have the baby while she's awake, bringing her to you for feeds? Are you being looked after? Are you sleeping while she sleeps?

In the long term I would highly recommend exploring mindfulness as there's evidence to show it can help regulate mood. But for now, you're in crisis mode.

Sorry if these suggestions are obvious, hopeful some of them might help. Keep talking to us and please know - it does get better. My ds is now a delightful, funny, reasonably well sleeping 20 month old and I am expecting dc2, so trust me!

X

ChiefTittifer Thank you for your support this morning, you are lovely.

Yes, long term issues so all quite familiar, but still distressing. My MH issues have definitely improved with age and especially with wising up and making healthier relationship choices and learning how to look after myself better. I guess it's not typical PND as I am so thrilled to be a mum and just totally in love with DD. Especially now as her personality is coming out and she's not just this purple, howling, colicky ball of distress! Her improvement has been amazing but sleep is still evasive and very touch and go.

I'd love to be able to rest during the day but she fights naps - it sometimes takes 2 hours of bf, rocking, shush pat, dark room and white noise just to get a 20-30 minute catnap out of her - in Bednest, that is. She'll sleep well in sling, on my lap, in pram or in my bed though. I often bf lying down in bed from exhaustion and she'll doze off, then I'll try to sleep but will just be too nervous - then time's up and she's awake!

I had a post natal doula for two afternoons when DD was between 4-8 weeks old. She was great, but we can't really afford to continue, nice as that would be. Otherwise, I'm on my own. My family are abroad (sadly not Japan!) and DH's are 300 miles away. All my friends are working. DH is lovely and does loads in the evenings, at night and on the weekends.

BF supplement, check. Sunshine, as often as it comes out! And big fan of mindfulness. I've had a meditation practice for many years which has been great in helping me manage my MH issues. But as you said, crisis mode here...

It's a really vicious circle. Exhaustion feeding anxiety preventing sleep and creating exhaustion feeding anxiety. I'll try to get the courage to speak to HV. Won't mention sleeping arrangements. I'm afraid they'd just come out with some paranoid nonsense and add fuel to the fire.

Ah, it sounds like you're your own worst enemy, eh?

She's giving you a really clear message about what's best for her, you know - sleeping well, easily, all snuggled up with her mum in bed. Hearing your breathing and heartbeat, feeding when she needs to and knowing you're close at hand. You should trust her!

One other thought that occurred to me - small babies often seem to need to be helped back to sleep in the same way as they were originally put down. So, if you nurse her to sleep sitting up with her in cradle hold, then that's what she'll want every time she wakes that night. That's what ds was like and as soon as I twigged and started feeding him to sleep next to me in bed, we instantly had far fewer wakings, and the ones we had were shorter. Worth a try maybe. X

I'm feeling much better. DH took a little extra time off around the weekend, and I caught up on sleep and also on my meditation practice - which has been quite neglected these past few months with high need DD to look after. It's been so difficult to find a spare moment, but was great to get back into and I feel so much calmer.

DD and I have had some lovely co sleeping the past couple of days. It's still a little hard for me to drop off, and my back gets a bit sore from being locked into one position, but I'm not having the mad panics of the last couple weeks.

I think the anxiety has its roots in the MC I suffered 8 months before DD was born. I was 14 weeks and it was devastating. Another source is probably the repeat admissions I had to hospital during my last trimester. I had crippling pelvic pain from 32 weeks and had to be induced at 38. My birth was fine, but the six weeks leading up to it were agony. I've never felt pain like that in my life - childbirth was nothing in comparison!

DD is sleeping better as well, and has been napping for almost an hour in her Bednest this morning...miracle of miracles! I should be sleeping too but just wanted to update and say thanks again.

Hi Mitsouko, thanks for updating and I'm really glad to hear things are improving. Fantastic that you've had time for some meditation :)

I totally know what you mean about feeling stiff from co-sleeping :o, please be reassured that it won't be long until she sleeps more deeply and you feel comfortable enough to move around a bit.

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage and very difficult pregnancy. Combined with the severe sleep deprivation, it's no wonder you've so anxious. It's a perfectly rational reaction to an extreme situation. There's always someone here to talk. X

Your dd sounds like mine. I'm 7 months in and it's a lot easier now! I hope things get better and better for you.

Thanks for the support! It is much appreciated. X