Am I the only person in the whole wide world without even a bit of a routine (and should I be worried)?

[HidingInTheUndergrowth]

I guess I am starting to suffer from parental self doubt or something and was wondering if there was anyone else out there with the same slipshod parenting style as me.

DD is 11 weeks and we have not got even a smidgen of a routine and to make matters worse I don't even really want one (Shock! Horror!). I feed when she's hungry, put her to sleep when she is tired and play when she want's to play. On the whole she seems happy and no better or worse in the sleeping, feeding and crying stakes then anyone else I know.

But everyone seems to be obssessed with having a routine for their babies and none of the other mum's I know are as terribly slap dash and inconsistant as me. I am starting to wonder if my complete lack of routine and is going to end in tears as none of the baby bringing up type information I look at seems to even mention the possibily of not having one.

So please tell me if there is anyone else out there who doesn't have a routine and how it's working out for you? How old are your babies and do you plan on introducing a routine at a particular age?

DD is 9 months and we are only just gaining a semblance of a routine. She has developed one rather than us forcing it though. I think it is a much more relaxed and easy way of doing things.

Ha ha. No your not the only one! I posted a similar thread earlier about what the health visitor said to me about my lack of routine and that we should have one. My dd is 9 weeks old and I too feed on demand, she sleeps when she wants etc. We have literally zero routine. I dont care. We all sleep and eat well so who cares!x

Ds was the most anti routine baby ever. But once I clocked that, he was really easy as I could go anywhere with him, just leaving time to feed if need be. People asked how I knew when he needed a nap. Because he goes to sleep! As if on cue, crawling baby lay down and conked out.

I created a bedtime routine of feeding round 7pm, nappy and putting in bed, and being quiet and dark after that, but that was it. He started nursery at 11mo and after 6 months would sometimes be on their routine, but actually at nearly 4 still naps when tired, only eats when hungry, but generally goes to bed and sleeps well, so fine by me.

Dd is 17 weeks and a bit more predictable, but no routine except feeding and changing before nursery run and being quiet after 7pm. She sleeps pretty well for her age.

With dd1, we pandered to her every whim whenever she whimmed. With dd3, we have to have a routine as nothing would ever get done otherwise! Dd1 was never harmed by our pfb attitude doteful parenting. When on maternity leave, you don't have to factor in work so there isn't really a detriment to you. A routine will probably establish itself when she's older and not having one now won't stop that.

Phew! Glad I'm not the only one and that all your little ones are growing up fine without a routine.

I'm just not very good at keeping a routine myself and it seems far too much effort to try start now. I shall just have to carry on nodding and smiling at all the people who tell me I should be implementing extravagant bedtime regimes and who look at me like I'm mad when I tell them her next nap will be when she's tired.

I have a routine and have done since day dot. Even I wouldnt say you should have a routine. You like things as they are so just go with it.

Each to their own.

That's the way I do it too.
But you do find that once they're on solid food you can't really avoid a routine. By the time you've spread 3 meals and a couple of naps in a day you are in a routine.

We had no routine initially but found that DS gradually wanted to feed roughly every 3 hours and to go to sleep earlier and earlier. By the time he was 6 months he had decided for himself that bedtime was around 7pm so was doing the same thing all his little friends had been rigidly doing since 6 weeks old. They're all equally happy

It sounds like you're doing well! I didn't have a routine either, and could never quite get why everyone was so fussed about routine. DS eventually settled into doing most things regularly, and, as others have said, it seems to jibe with the types of routines that are advocated in books. I suspect most babies just naturally fall into similar patterns.

However, that said, now that he's established his routine, I tend to enforce it a bit more than I ever thought I would. At 7 months, he doesn't always drift off to sleep peacefully when he needs to (there's so much to see!), nor does he cry for milk as distinctively as he once did -- until he reaches a crisis point. So having a general idea of when to do things and how often has become useful, as it can prevent him from having a meltdown. So he has a loose routine now - it's not down to the minute, but I know generally what he needs to have and when, so I can make sure he doesn't get overtired or hungry or that I'm not heading out of the house at a bad time.

I do think that following his lead from the beginning, rather than imposing a routine from the beginning, has been a nice way to understand and meet his needs, and I don't think it's caused any problems. There was never a point where I said, "okay I have to establish a routine now" - it just came naturally.

It sounds like you're doing well! I didn't have a routine either, and could never quite get why everyone was so fussed about routine. DS eventually settled into doing most things regularly, and, as others have said, it seems to jibe with the types of routines that are advocated in books. I suspect most babies just naturally fall into similar patterns.

However, that said, now that he's established his routine, I tend to enforce it a bit more than I ever thought I would. At 7 months, he doesn't always drift off to sleep peacefully when he needs to (there's so much to see!), nor does he cry for milk as distinctively as he once did -- until he reaches a crisis point. So having a general idea of when to do things and how often has become useful, as it can prevent him from having a meltdown. So he has a loose routine now - it's not down to the minute, but I know generally what he needs to have and when, so I can make sure he doesn't get overtired or hungry or that I'm not heading out of the house at a bad time.

I do think that following his lead from the beginning, rather than imposing a routine from the beginning, has been a nice way to understand and meet his needs, and I don't think it's caused any problems. There was never a point where I said, "okay I have to establish a routine now" - it just came naturally.

If your baby is happy then go with it, my dd was a nightmare until I established a routine!!!

I am guessing there is a kind of routine in place anyway in terms of when you get up, have breakfast, go out etc and I think babies like 'rituals' more than 'routines' anyway so for example doing things in a certain order so they know what is coming next iyswim?

I BF my DS on demand (still am at 10 mo). I had no routine either until I think round about when he started solids. I didn't understand how you have a routine with a bf baby when you are feeding when they want. I do think maybe the probs I have had with DS sleep since 6 mo, might have been lessened if I had understood about feeding to sleep etc earlier but who knows. I'd say don't worry too much. As long as you and baby are happy and healthy.

You don't have even a bit of routine?

So some days you get up in the middle of the night? And you eat at completely different times each day? Go out for walks when it's dark and visit your friends at completely anti-social hours?

Or do you, in fact, live your life according to certain rhythms just like the rest of us?

"I feed when she's hungry, put her to sleep when she is tired and play when she want's to play."

Wow, you're a genius. Nobody's ever thought of doing that before.

Most of us starve our children, force them to stay awake then they are tired and never play with them.

Bad day thinginyourlife? :)

@ athing

Every day's a bad day when you're 36 weeks pregnant :o

Sorry, OP, just keep doing what you're doing.

It's what pretty much everyone is doing, routine or not - trying to figure out what suits their baby best :)

If it seems easy so far, you've been lucky.

Quote littletomato 'I suspect most babies just naturally fall into similar patterns.'

^this. I too started off with no routine & baby-led, fed when he wanted, put him to sleep when he was tired, the only thing we did was establish a bedtime of 7pm, and after a few months he pretty much fell into a routine of napping at more or less the same time every day. OP you will find that as she nears 6 months & naps less frequently during the day, your days will just become more predictable, and voila you are in your own routine. You will likely find if you read all the books that your dd naps roughly when the books suggest, b/c its down to nature! These experts don't pluck the suggested times out of the air - they suggest them b/c its proven that most babies naturally get sleepy at certain times of day.

I do have to say though, that for the older baby/toddler, I have found having a stricter nap routine incredibly useful. They can get to a stage where they don't show so many tired signs & it can be hard to tell if they are ready for bed. And if they literally conk out wherever they are through exhaustion they are likely overtired. When we were baby-led we started suffering with the worst early waking, & switching to a more structured routine really helped us overcome our problems, or at the very least to know how to tackle them.

I think while it works for you, keep letting her take the lead & enjoy being a mummy!

I'm the mum of a 9 month old who has never had a routine imposed on her. She established her own and I think most babies probably would if left to their own devices. She was demand breast fed and napped/naps erratically but is very happy and settled. I dont think that having no routine is the same as letting baby do exactly as they want. For example I can now see when LO needs a quiet dark room even though she's knee deep in the contents of the kitchen drawers. Sometimes life is too exciting to think about sleep so they need guidance. Food the same - I don't wait til she cries for food I offer at regular intervals (quite short ones I admit as I hate the idea of stretching out a child's meal times though my LO is tiny). I have a hunch that this is all the luxury of being the first born, second babies might not have it so good.

It's good to hear that if I just leave her to it then she will sort it out in the end. It's only that most of the other mum's I know seem to be going for a more strictly enforced routine so I was starting to wonder if the baby-led route was the path to future mayhem.

AThing my point was rather that if you have a strict routine when you feed, nap and play at certain times then you are feeding, napping and playing when you think they should happen and not when the baby necessarily wants to do it. If baby wants to sleep straight after a feed but your routine says feed, play then sleep then no you are not putting them to sleep when they want to sleep. This may, of course, be the most sensible thing to do as it does cross my mind that baby doesn't always know best, hence the questions. I am however now reassured that she should sort herself out in time and shall stop worrying about it for now.

By the way, good luck with the birth, may your labour be swift, painless and perfectly timed :o

"If baby wants to sleep straight after a feed but your routine says feed, play then sleep then no you are not putting them to sleep when they want to sleep."

No, perhaps not, although sometimes it's not so easy to read a baby's cues.

Admittedly, the spark out after a big feed is unmistakeable, but I've certainly spent hours walking a baby around I thought was in pain, even administered those colic drops, then realised she needed to sleep at that time of day (late afternoon). On another thread about evening freakouts someone suggested that babies can get overstimulated from the stress of ordinary daytime activity.

It's worth remembering that there tends to be a certain rhythm to family life, and that babies fall into that. The things you do are building up a pattern if familiarity for your baby, and that's really the basis of routine.

I have no idea about sleeping and playing and pooing in a particular order. That just sounds weird.

Thanks for the good wishes :) The birth will be all of those things - I am booked in for an ELCS at the end of the month.

no and no to your title questions hiding. :)

(long time no see and congratulations btw. 11 weeks already!)

at 7 weeks with DS2 we are also on the feed when hungry, sleep when tired, kick about on rug when nothing else seems to work (not at night for the last one )

DS1 didn't get a proper pattern really till 6 months + when he was having little meals.

i remember DH (SAHD) keeping notes of when he fed and slept before i went back to work just before he turned 6 months to try and work out when to give ebm, but it all fell into place round food and when DS1 seemed to need sleep really.

it doesn't seem to have done him any harm and even at 2.9 his day has the same routine or he might go a bit nuts

no idea how we'll get on with no2 but i can't imagine planning what to do with a wee tiny.

I think as some of the others have said babies generally will fall into a routine eventually. I remember with DS1, I was very much like you, not wanting to force a routine and was genuinely very happy with going with the flow. I was so in awe of being a mother and totally in love with it all. Then ... when at 9 months he had barely slept a whole night and I was exhausted I tried the CIO thing, worked for 2 weeks then he had teething/sickness/etc. and didn't sleep through again until 12 months. Then, overnight, he just decided to.

DS2 totally different baby slept through from a very very young age (a few weeks)... I didn't believe those babies even existed, assumed they were an urban myth perpetuated by SWMNBN followers, but in fact through nothing I did, my DS2 just naturally did it (he later fell off that wagon at about 4 months... but that is a whole different story and I am just remembering through rose tinted glasses those first few months ).

Just enjoy your baby. If you don't want to follow a routine, you don't need to. Follow your baby's lead. You will find that they find your rhythm soon enough (or not).

Hi,

This is probably a bit late to respond to your post but I'd like to add that my ds and I tried a routine but it didn't work out. We now do things (like sleep/ meals) at around about times.
He wakes at different times every day, naps at different times for different lengths of time. I then have to work meal times around this.
Sometimes he won't nap at all but sometimes he naps more than usual.
I tried to stick to a routine but it actually made life far more stressful, if naps and meals didn't go to plan then I felt I was failing.
I am more relaxed now, espescially now I'm not going back to work the whole routine thing doesn't matter.
I have a teenager too and his routine is fine, we never had a routine when he was little.

My daughter's 15 months and we've never had a routine, in terms of time at least. We might do similar things regularly (bath every other day, brush teeth before bed etc) but just whenever she's getting tired, not at a particular time.

I don't have a live-in partner or job so I can do what I want :) Or what she wants.

Here's a book which is a change from the norm to reassure you: www.pinterandmartin.com/Kiss-Me