We are idiots and not taught our 13 month old how to self settle

[NewChoos]

Is there any hope?

DS has always fed to sleep, we did around 6-8mo try controlled crying but it wasn't for us (gave up on night 3) and we have tried shush pat loads of times, but he just gets hysterical.
So we are currently still co sleeping, DH walks up and down with him to get him off to sleep.
He hates his cot. We are still co sleeping as it's the easy option and we are so tired (we also don't really mind snuggling up to him but it would be nice to get him in his cot so we can have better quality sleep).

He is fighting his naps now too. We are winding down on Bf'ing and it doesn't really get him to sleep now anyway.

Please help 2 idiots who are tired and wound totally around our gorgeous DS's little wonderful finger :)

It will be grim but if you're detirmined, it will work. You have to stick to it, you can't change your mind or he will see the chinks in your armour and you will have to begin all over again.

www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified_7755.bc

Good luck!

i did cc with my ds at 6 months and this was great for a year or so. Since then (he is now 7) he has needed loads of cuddles to get to sleep. DD was fed to sleep /in our bed until 18 months but since she has been 2 she goes to sleep by herself really easily in her own bed. I think this is because she is fundamentally more secure (a being the second child but only perhaps because she did not have her trust in us broken at such an early age). Don't get me wrong ds is fine but I wish I had not listened to everybody who told me that he had to sleep through the night at 4 months

You are not idiots. You are doing what is instinctually right for your baby and for you. I could have written your post 2 years ago. In the end we went with the flow. Dd learned to go to sleep by herself eventually. They just do, usually about 2 or 3 yo. No need to force the issue at all. Keep enjoying your extra cuddles - in a few years he won't want them.

You are not idiots. You have listened to your baby rather than the baby books.

I did controlled crying with my son and its the biggest parenting mistake I ever made. He went from being a happy contented baby at bed time to being clingy and insecure.

I found a calming routine helps dd. We have 3 short stories and then we turn on the natal hynotheraphy birth music. I think that children need help to relax before bedtime.

I think a lot of parents have unrealistic expectations of babies. A lot of people lie as well. Very few 13 month old babies sleep through. Infact many children don't sleep through until four years old.

The vast majority of sleep "issues" are actually parents with unrealistic expectations, and are solved only by age. Your baby will learn to sleep on their own in time :-) Relax and go with the flow...

As you said co-sleeping is the easy option, why change it !

I promise your DS will one day choose to sleep apart from you if you continue to cosleep and when he does you'll miss him.

If you can afford it a bigger bed will give you better quality of sleep OR attach the cot with a side removed to your bed will allow you to have more sleep surface at little no cost.

(If attaching cot to bed...Use bungy ropes to attach cot frame to bed frame. Push cot mattress over too meet main mattress and use foam cut to size or rolled up towels in the resulting gap between cot mattress and far cot side)

With DS and DD2 they never slept in a cot ever. We coslept whilst they were babies and gave them beds in their own room at around 16 months old to nap in and eventually move into.

They often visit our bed in the middle of the night for a further year or so until they are ready to be totally independent but that doesn't bother us. I train they to come through to our room, climb into bed and go to sleep without waking us up ;)

Nothing wrong with doing what is needed to get a full nights sleep and for some families that is by cosleeping.

Hi - I feel for you!
you say he is fighting his naps - plural. does that mean he still has more than one nap? my 13 month old (ds3) started dropping his morning nap at about 12 months - some days he had it and some days he managed through to lunch time. on days where he managed without he woudl have a really long nap and then settle really easily at night time.
he now mostly just sleeps at lunch time (1-3.30 or at least 2 hours) and then settles at 7.30 just before ds2 and ds2 go to bed. both my others were similar in that 12-15 months is quite difficult as they are transitioning from morning and lunchtime naps to just one nap.
I also make sure he gets a really big play in the afternoon (he started walking 2 weeks ago) which is also helping him sleep at night.

in terms of co-sleeping - I co-slept till 7 or 8 months and then transferred him to his cot. DS3 still breastfeeds on waking in the morning (13 months) but no longer feeds to sleep. it was a tough decision but we needed our sleep and he had started waking every couple of hours wanting a feed, so at 10 months we decided he needed to settle on his own in his own bed. We have never done CC proper as I could never leave them crying for long - for me a few minutes is forever! We did it by having breastfeed, then playing for a few more minutes and having a story. then has a little cuddle and then put him in his bed and walked out closing door.. first night he cried 5 minutes - picked him up and calmed him, then put him down - cried another 5 minutes - picked him up and calmed him, put him down - cried 3 minutes then went to sleep and slept ALL NIGHT THROUGH!!! night 2 we had 5 mins of crying then sleep. 3rd night 2 minutes crying. since then he lies in bed and snuggles a teddy and goes straight to sleep. if he wakes at night he might make 1 or 2 cries then settles again, and if he cries more than 5 minutes I know something is wrong.
its a tough decision but sometimes you come to your limit of what you can do!
last note is that it was my DH who put him to bed to break the associations that he had with me. after a week i was able to put him down in his new routine no problem and with DH having been travelling for business for 3 weeks now, am so glad that we did this as otherwise I would be exhausted!
I would never leave a child to cry more than 5 minutes though.

Ds was just like this, he was fed to sleep then would keep us up for hours every night, pacing up and down holding him. Sometimes 4-5 hours. As soon as we put him down he'd scream.

Finally at 16 months we caved in (it was causing rows in the night from sheer frustration/knackeredness) and did controlled crying. It was awful, but we never left him more than three minutes max, and always went in if he got hysterical.

It took three nights and now he's amazing, sleeps 11-12 hours and actually says goodbye to us when we put him down - still awake!

I'm going to be in the same situation in 9 months' time if I don't do anything about it. Our DS3 is in our bed from 10pm and snacks all night long. Is fine at the moment, but I know that if I have to wait for another year before I get a decent 6 hour sleep, I'm going to be v depressed/struggling to function /crashing the car.

That's why I don't agree with all those who say it's fine to ignore the books and carry on as you like. It might be brilliant as far as the baby is concerned, but I've put my own needs last for three babies now, and it's not always necessary.

Not that I've got the answer (else DS3 would be in his own cot already!). But I found with DS2 that while controlled crying was awful and failed at 6 and 8 months, it worked like a total dream when he was 10 months old. I got my husband to take a couple of days off and go to him at night instead of me (so no chance of a bf), and it took...2 nights and barely 20 minutes of crying. Was amazing and he sleeps wonderfully now.

Maybe just keep trying to get him to sleep in his cot for daytime naps at first, and put him down after a good bedtime routine (bath, story, lullabies), and when he gets happier sleeping in his cot, then try CC. Make sure you and your DH are on the same page though, and you know what you're trying to do. Think the worst thing is when you're so knackered you can't stick at any method/remember which book you're following (!!!)...and you end up where you started - all that crying for nothing!

That's a really good point about age, obviously they're all different, but I think it took until ds was 15/16 months for him to be confident that we were nearby and he wasn't all alone. So when we did cc it was definitely an angry "come here now" cry he was doing rather than "I need you because I'm scared". That made me feel a bit better about it.

Another thing, I developed insomnia when he was 6 weeks old, and felt certain that it wouldn't go until I knew I was likely to be undisturbed all night. It has definitely improved since he's slept through (I still wake every couple of hours, but not for long anymore)

We couldn't do CC - if you haven't already seen it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

I'm totally into going with the flow, and I really don't have any problem with co-sleeping or any other parenting styles. But for us we did do controlled crying with both of our dcs and they both now love eur beds, feel safe there and enjoy going to bed at bed time and I am convinced this is because they have self settled from such an early age.
If it would suit you to sleep apart from you're child now, you will just have to be a strong pair and stick to it.

I really didn't want to do cc with DS, but at 14 months we were desperate because he was refusing to go back in his cot at night (and wouldn't sleep in our bed!). It worked like a dream - he just seemed to 'get it' very quickly. I think it may be easier with older babies / toddlers?