What the heck am I doing wrong?

[AmIDoingThisRight]

DD (18 months) has always been a pretty rotten sleeper, though did have a brief window of her sleeping through the night (until 5am, which was major progress) a few months ago. This lasted a couple of months and now we are right back to square one.

For the past month or so, all sleep has gone to pot and she will absolutely refuse to nap unless I stay with her and hold her hand until she's deeply asleep. This wouldn't be too much of a problem really but I have a 4 year old DS who needs me during the day and also at bedtime.

I've been b-feeding her to sleep just so that I know she will sleep (I know, I know) but each rotten night she's awake for a couple of hours at least and WILL NOT go back to sleep on her own. Completely lost the ability to self-settle and I have no idea why.

Am at the end of my tether as am functioning on 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night (on a good night) - last night was spectacularly bad. Have tried controlled crying which absolutely does not work for us - can go on for 2 or 3 hours of full on hysterics which then wakes my DS and makes him miserable for the next day.

I am snappy and cross with DS and especially DH at the moment as he seems to be able to sleep through the whole awful night wakings. I NEED to sort this out and am at a complete loss.

Any words of wisdom, advice or general virtual cups of tea gratefully received.

Have u had a look at the "gradual retreat" sleep training method? I think that's what its called or maybe spaced soothing?? Can't quite remember but u basically set up camp next to the cot and each night move closer to the door until your eventually out of the room. sounds like it might work for you. It's what I'm hoping to do soon as CC or PUPD aren't for me.

What is your daytime routine i.e. when does she wake, nap, how long for, bedtime? This can often have a bearing on how a LO will sleep at night.

Also when did your DD go to 1 nap? Do you feel she has low sleep needs? If she does nap in the day do you find she sleeps better at night?

I've typically only had trouble with my DS's naps when was no longer tired enough to nap at the times I was putting him down, so that may be a factor here, but it may also be related to the feeding to sleep/holding her hand thing. Does she usually settle to sleep independently at bedtime ???

Well, she only naps (ha!) once a day, if that - sometimes she just won't settle to nap and then is horifically overtired by bedtime, compounding the whole thing. I put her down for her nap after lunch and 50% of the time she will sleep if I stay with her and hold her hand - other times no. She is definitely tired enough to need a nap, and shattered by bedtime if she hasn't had one.

For the past two nights she was crying for 3 blinking hours in the middle of the night, and resorted to bringing her back to bed with us. Cue much thrashing and kicking in the head (from her, to us) and then she did eventually go to sleep. Don't want to get into this pattern though, as surely she'll start expecting just to come to bed with us whenever she wakes up in the night?

Sorry this is rambled - brain fuddled on lack of sleep and general despair at whole situation.

((hugs)) it sounds like you are having a bit of a tough time.

AmIDoingThisRight when you say after lunch do you mean 12.30? And when she does nap, how long does she usually sleep for? What time does she get up in the morning & go to bed? On days when she doesn't nap, are you putting her to bed any earlier? Its important to see the whole routine as it gives a clearer picture & we may be able to suggest nap is too early, nap is too late, BT is too early/late etc etc.

If it helps, my almost 19month DS is currently doing around 5.5-5.75hrs awake before his nap, a 1h 45min nap & then around 5hrs awake before bedtime. I have just started to cap his nap because we had started getting EW with a 2hr nap. It may be if you are putting her down before she's been awake 5.5hrs she might not be tired enough. Or it could be the opposite, if she's up at 6am & you don't put her down for a nap until say 1pm she may already be well overtired making it harder for her to settle to sleep.

I completely understand on the bringing her into your bed thing - we all do what we have to in the middle of the night, however, if you are already BFing to sleep and holding her hand, it may be she is starting to wake wanting these things. Can she go to sleep by herself without being BF to sleep?