What am I doing wrong?

[Piccalilli]

My dd is nearly four months, she wakes between 7:30 and 8, has a 30-45 minute nap mid-morning, 1-1.5 hours around lunchtime and another hour mid-afternoon. She sleeps from around 10:3o til the next morning, wakes occasionally but always re-settles herself. She's bottle-fed and takes 6-7 oz 5 or 6 times a day. The problem is she won't sleep AT ALL in the evening. Dh and I don't get to spend any time together and it's starting to affect our relationship. Seriously, what am I doing wrong? Or will she just grow out of this?

It all sounds fine that you/she is doing imo. Very early days yet to be worried about her sleeping. As she gets older she will drop the afternoon nap and have a longer lunchtime nap and an earlier bedtime. If you want reassurance just read through all the related threads in the Sleep section - you are doing very well to get her to nap during the day - that's usually the hardest thing for them to do!
Theres plenty of time to spend with your dh once she gets bigger.
www.babywhisperer.com is a great web site for finding out sleep patterns and durations for the age of your child.

Ds had a late bed time in early days. We gradually shifted it forward. Having a clear bedtime routine helps (bath, stories etc, even at 4 months!). This makes it clear that it is night time and not just nap time. You can then shift this very big time-to-go-to-bed cue forwards! We moved it forwards by about 15 minutes every few days, so very slowly but surely.

I agree with the gradual shift forward each night. Set up a strong bedtime routine and just adjust it by 15 mins each day. She is still young and is doing well to be sleeping through.

Thanks - I think sometimes I just need the reassurance that it's not necessarily something I'm doing, she just has her own routine. She does have a bath, bottle, cuddle routine but we tend to do it at about 8 then spend 2 hours trying to settle her which is winding everyone up - perhaps I should try shifting bathtime to nearer her 'natural' bedtime, then gradually move it back?

Yep thats what i was thinking. If you just accept that it will be like this for a little while longer then you can take away some of the stress which will make life easier for you.

Or maybe she needs to go down earlier. What time does she wake from her afternoon nap? would a 4 month old be able to go more than 2 or 3 hours without sleeping?

DD was like this too. We did the same as beansprout and every few weeks would bring bedtime forward by 15 mins. She used to to bed the same time as us, around 10 and would always settle, but we found that if she didn't it was a sign that bedtime needed bringing forward. Eventually she ended up with a 7pm bedtime and we got our evenings back. It sounds like you're doing great, hang on in there it won't be that long until it gets a bit easier and you and dh can have some time together. I should take a leaf out of your book - I spend the evenings on mumsnet while dh snoozes on the settee!

Sounds like she's doing fine for a baby who's not yet 4 months.

Babies disrupt your relationship. So do toddlers. And teens.

That's having kids for you.

I'm wondering if she needs to go down earlier too. When you say you spend 2 hours trying to settle her, does this mean she is crying and needs soothing or happily awake and alert? If she is crying and you are spending the time rocking, pacing etc then it may be that she is overtired and needs to go down earlier in the evening. We use to think DD wouldn't go down on her own and spent many evenings pacing the room until one day we put her in her cot before she started crying (about 2 hours after she had last woken) and off she went to sleep. Unfortunately she also stopped sleeping through at this point, but doesn't mean this will happen to you! Sounds like your DD is developing some good sleeping habits though - she is napping really well and can resettle herself, which is great

Thanks everyone for advice - we decided last night to relax a bit more about it, she napped from 6-7, then had a bath and a feed, in bed by 9 and although she cried for about 10 minutes, she was out cold by 9:30 and stayed there til 8 a.m.! May just be a blip but even one evening where we get to spend some time together on our own is such a bonus.