HAVING A NIGHTMARE WITH 8 YR OLD DD - SCARED TO SLEEP, ADVICE PLS!

[takethattastic]

My DD has just turned 8 and I am having a nightmare getting her to sleep. I have to lie with her until she sleeps or DH does and then if she wakes still tries to come into our bed. If we refuse she gets hysterical - scared of ghosts, monsters etc and trully terrified. Reward charts, rewards, taking away nintendo ds, dancing, brownies etc - nothing works. Naughty step no difference - says would rather stay all night and have no treats/toys. Genuinely scared. Any advice? DH at the end of his tether, both shattered and DS of 4 sleeps better but also wakes and wants in our bed. Now have aching back and sciatica and DH ratty and very down about the whole thing. Advice please - affecting our relationship x

Mattress on the floor in your bedroom?

That sounds really hard.

What is she actually afraid of? How about leaving a light on. Audio books to play on a little cd player may help her to relax and concentrate on something.

I used to be. Scared of the dark when I was a kid. I still am!! It is a very real fear, so I don't think punishment is the way to go...

I think addressing the fears may be the way forward for you and your dd.

Thanks both for advice - yes never thought of mattress in the bedroom but it might be better than hysterics and us all squeezing into the one bed!. I agree punishment not working have tried to chat to her about fears and reassure her. Im wondering if there is anything else I can do as I love her to bits and don't want her confidence affected. Left lights on although she wants all lights on and am now trying rescue remedy for children to reassure and comfort.

Mattress in your room. Honestly, don't fight it. Just do whatever makes her feel safe and secure.

I agree with seeker.

Also, disrupted sleep will make her more tired and anxious etc...

Humour her with the lights. Can you buy some little plug lights...they are really dim but give enough light off to see all around.

I have. A feeling if she can learn to settle herself in the security of your room, you have a starting point to build on re her going back to her own room.

It's so difficult for you, but also for her.

I hope you can make some progress.

I'm with chimchar here, I have a very real fear of the dark sometimes, even at my age, (29) to the point I have woken DH and made him check under the bed, in the wardrobe etc.

FWIW my parents shouted and screamed and punished me, but it didn't matter, at 2am in the pitch black you could have grounded me until I was 50 I was genuinely in heart racing fear when I was younger (and occasionally still do) to the point I would be in tears.

I didn't learn to sleep with the light off until I was 16 and even now the slightest thing can still make it stay on.

Vet everything she watches, all my friends laugh now, I will not ever watch a scary film at all, even some 12A's trigger me, I will not watch them, it's not fun and I don't enjoy them.

Get a bedside light/lamp that you touch the base of, bigger area to aim for when scared, get the ones that have different levels of light, mine has three levels, so you touch once for very dim light, twice more for very bright and once more for off. Let her leave it on, on the lowest setting. Whole cheap range here: www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&catalogId=1500002951&langId=-1&searchTerms=TOUCH+BEDSIDE+LAMP

If she has an open bed frame (as in you can put things under it) consider getting a divan, nowhere for monsters to hide underneath (made a big difference for me)

Let her listen to a audio CD, nothing remotely scary though, at all, or read a calming book before bed.

Also I used to tie my dressing gown cord around my wardrobe handles to make sure nothing could ever sneak out just when I went to sleep (I'm sounding like a nutter now ).

Do you know though I have an amazing imigination, and I loved English because of it and reading is such a pleasure, I just recognise that some things freak me out because my imigination is so good, I doubt I will ever change now though and just do things to make life easier.

Please don't let it affect your relationship and all the added stress will make your daughter far far worse, as she will know it's something she should control, but you really really really can't (much to DH annoyance when I wake him from very deep sleep to check something).

Sorry it's long but hope it helps

Thanks so much for all your advice! Genuinely feel for her, sometimes the lack of sleep kicks in before the sympathy can! Appreciate all your comments and hopefully will get a better sleep tonight!

My dd developed an intense fear of sleeping alone after we were burgled during the night.
It was the one thing that really really pissed me off about the burglary.

we put a sleeping bag under our bed for her if she wanted to sleep with us

she used to come in every night but it didn't really disturb us

took a few yrs befoer she got over the fear but she did get over it

I like ggirls idea, get a sleeping bag (and or matress as suggested) and let her just grab it if she needs it, don't make it a big deal and she will be calmer in the long run.
Again TV is a bugger, things like Dr Who, which are on reasonable times can trigger stuff.

I can remember a friend once laughing when I was 15 saying she'd rather sleep in the dark so she wouldn't know what monster was attacking her, thanks for that you silly moose Made me have completely sleepless nights for two weeks (anyway I digress).

We had a lot of trouble with this when DD was about 5/6. It turned out she was afraid of dying in the night. It did eventually fade but we used nightlights, open doors, us having tv on loud downstairs so she could hear it, exercise (lots of in the afternoons, mainly for the endorphins!), CD player with nice calm music/stories, removing all books that had anything remotely sad in them and replacing them with comfort reads, favourite toys and lots of patience. I think that very imaginative children do have problems with fear at night time. I think she only really relaxed when DS started sharing her room. She loves that she can hear him breathing (although now, at 8, she is starting to feel she wants her own space again).

Good luck - I think mattress on floor sounds a fab plan.