controlled crying - it's not working!!

[chipmunksmum]

Hi there
I feel absolutely awful and can't stop crying. I decided to do the cc method last Weds after a heart breaking decision. Please, no answers that make me feel worse about this. I need support. I don't even believe in what I'm doing; I hate it, and I worry so much what it's doing to my baby, my heart aches. BUT, at over 9 months my baby still sleeps terribly and wakes between 1 and 3 times a night and then will NOT settle, and I'm at my wits end. I think I'm suffering from post natal depression and I need my sleep back. I've tried lots of very gentle ways of getting him to sleep but he doesn't seem to learning to sleep on his own. I've tried having him in bed with me too but it's not for us (he wriggles and fusses and keeps me up and my husband was having to sleep in spare room and it was driving a rift between us) so please no answers telling me to co-sleep.
Now, this doesn't seem to be working either! Why does nothing work with my baby? Everything I've read says the 1st night is awful but then they're sleeping through by the 3rd or 4th night and they've never had to leave their baby to cry for longer than, say, 45 mins. Well, my baby's a hell of a lot more stubborn. I could have coped with his screams for 1 night but now we're on the 5th night! The 1st night he properly cried for 1.5hours and then 45 mins. The 2nd and 3rd nights were better and he cried less painfully and for less time - so I was feeling quite positive and optimistic - but last night he screamed uncontrollably again for 1hour (and 2 lots of 45 mins) and so far again tonight for 40 mins SO FAR!!! I think I've been doing all the right things - going in incrementally to sssh him, speak gently to him without picking him up or stroking him - just putting a hand on his tummy - then leaving the room within a minute. I'm 99% sure there's nothing wrong with him like teething/upset tummy/growth spurt (he had the mother of all growth spurts 2 weeks ago). I'm desperate and I hate myself. This was supposed to be a drastic, unpleasant but quick solution to an impossible situation, but it's making everything worse - I feel worse than ever. I can't keep listening to my child's screams. Do I give up now, waste all this work and go back to how things were? Anyone been through similar experiences that have eventually worked (or not worked) out? Thanks (and please, please, not hurtful comments)

I wrote a long post which might be helpful to you of what we did to sort out dd's sleeping.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

Forgot to say, we did a similar thing to Nectarina although kind of jumped from not picking her up to just leaving the room. She was becoming very hard to settle to sleep at night, and too heavy to rock. Wasn't even settling in bed with me. So I decided I wouldn't pick her up from the cot (unless distressed) but allowed myself to sit by her and talk/sing/sshh/pat so she knew I was there. Took a few nights of singing Twinkle Twinkle over and over again to settle her to sleep but once she got used to being in her cot to fall asleep, we started to leave her to it, as the ultimate aim was to get her to fall asleep without needing us. I'm hoping the night wakings will sort themselves out once she's better at getting to sleep by herself and this sleep regression passes.

Nectarina, I really like your post. I really like this sentence: 'You can be there and reassure her but it is no longer your job to MAKE her go to sleep. It is your job to support her whilst she does it herself.' It makes me feel better about doing it; it's not just for us, it's for them too. I have copied and saved it for when I need it (could be tonight) BUT SAM SLEPT THROUGH LAST NIGHT!! I can't believe it. I was ready to give up CC - couldn't stand it anymore, and was ready to actually do something similar to what you describe...well, whatever it took to help him and at the same time stay sane myself...so just sit next to him/pat him/sssh him (without picking him up or feeding him so the last 5 nights weren't completely wasted), but also leave the room for as long as I needed if I was losing my mind. BUT, as I said, not a peep out of him for 12 hours and we woke HIM up at 7am!!
The funny thing is, he's very rarely had any trouble getting to sleep at bed time. Most of the time he goes to sleep on his own, maybe with a couple of whines but often just rolls over and closes his eyes; just sometimes yells but never for longer than 10 mins. Strange isn't it. He's obviously able to settle himself but has trouble in the middle of the night. Hmmm. And most nap times are the same - no crying. Or at least over 50% of them.
One question I've got for you folks: The room is totally blacked out as I was told that helps them sleep, but reading your post, Nectarina, that mentions taking a book/making sure baby can see you/pottering about in room, it seems you wouldn't have it pitch black. Dare I try having a light on one night to see if he's scared of the dark? I just always imagined being able to see would distract him.
Anyway, let's see if he sleeps through again tonight. I will study your post so that if he doesn't, I can start on that. I know I don't want to ever hear those screams again without him at least knowing mummy's close by, so I think that is what I will do next time. Thanks everyone again.
Oh one more thing: I feed him as the last thing I do. He nearly always falls asleep at the boob, but I make sure I put him into his sleeping bag afterwards so he wakes up a bit. Is this ok or should I move his feed forward so he doesn't fall asleep at all during feed? (but he's so tired before bed time since he stopped having late afternoon nap).

We've always had the darkest of lights on so we don't trip up when going to settle her. More of a nightlight than a lamp. You could always try it.
And i would have bedtime story or lullaby between boob and bed. Its best if they go to bed properly awake. Maybe start off the routine with boob, and do it in the lounge with lights on then pyjamas and bedtime story in their room in the semi darkness.

He slept through 2 nights running and has been really happy today and yesterday - better than he has been in weeks. I feel like a new woman!
I'm not sure about bed time routine now. We do tea, chill-out in nursery, bath, massage, PJs, story, boob and put him down awake but (very) drowsy. Not sure how I could do boob earlier unless it was before bath which would then be very close to tea time so surely wouldn't be very hungry and bed-time routine after that takes about 45mins so think he'd want to eat again after that (he's a bottomless pit), or after bath before massage wrapped in a towel (very cold in our house). But I guess if he's sleeping through (at the moment at least) then our routine is ok...?

Oh yes, if its not broken, don't fix it! Our dd is still waking once a night so you're doing better than us. She is poorly so i'm hoping when she gets better she might do a 12 hour stretch ( i couldn't have dreamt of this one month ago). The next thing to sort out is my own insomnia...

I hear ya (with the insomnia)! I guess months of broken sleep is bound to screw up our own sleeping patterns...He woke up last night at 3.30am and I just sat next to him sshhing him without picking him up, just putting a hand on his tummy when cries got bigger. It took 20 mins, then he slept till 7. Happy with that :)

Hi Chipmunksmum, I am a child sleep consultant and would be very happy to give you some free advice, my email is [email protected]. Do not despair, there will be a way for you to get some sleep. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job. I hope you got on OK at the doctors before. Take care, Nicola x