Am I too strict with bedtime?

[knittynoodle]

DS, 1yo is a great sleeper when he is in his routine. He will go down happily at 7, I can just put him down and walk away after kisses knowing he will send himself off. He wakes between 6-7am.

However at least once a week, sometimes more, we have to visit DP's family and their lifestyle is not exactly what I would call baby friendly. We are expected to stay at their house till 8 eating dinner, childrens birthday party's (1yo!) are scheduled to start at 5pm, they have no concept of how a child behaves when he/she is tired - they think they are having fun etc and then when it all turns nasty because the babies are tired and grouchy, they tell them off (which I think is really unfair because they are acting up out of tiredness).

Anyway, I've been strict and told DP we are to leave at 6.20 latest so we can do the bath, story, milk and bed routine. They think I am being difficult. This is made worse by SIL who practically lives there and whose 2 dc's are often up till 10.30pm. The eldest boy is a nightmare (partly due to her inconsistency with discipline) because he's always tired. He never has a nap because he is at MIL's house all day and all night, and SIL will happily stay there till 10.30 because it means she doesn't have to look after the dc's without her mum. They ask, if she can stay late, why can't I?

Am I too strict? If it were one night a month for instance, Id think, ok that wont upset him too much. But once or twice a week is too much, isn't it?

I'd be the same as you. They'll soon get used to it. What does DP think?

TBH no, I don't think that you're being unreasonable. I think if you were expected to stay until 7pm say, then I would say just let things drift, but there's a big difference between 6pm and 8pm, especially if things are going to be 'busy' between 6 and 8pm with people sitting down to dinner etc.

There'll be plenty of time in the future once DS stays up a bit later but I'd say for the time being, maybe stick in your own routine.

FWIW, I don't think that your in-laws are wrong, it's just a different parenting style that doesn't suit you or your DS. What does your DH think? It'll be a bit more difficult if he tries to fit in a bit more with his parents.

Just a thought, could you put DS down in a travel cot or in his pushchair whilst still at their house? Your in-laws could get involved in the bath time routine etc and at least your DS would still be getting to sleep at about the same time.

YANBU. Not at all. Just say no.

He's started to stick up for us now, but for 6 months while I was trying to convince him that babies need an early bedtime he also thought I was too strict. Now he's seen how well our boy sleeps, he's not giving it up!

I just wondered if maybe once a week would be ok or if things can slide?

Cairnterrier, I've tried that but their house is bright, loud, SIL's boy will poke at him, try knock the pram over, throw toys in to the cot, scream and more. It would be nice if I could but its not practical.

*He once punched him while he was napping

That's awful!

In which case definitely leave at 6.20pm, if nothing, just to keep your sanity!

Hope it all goes well. It's great that DH is backing you up though. Sounds like you're making the best decision for your little boy.

Thankyou, I did wonder if I could get away with it perhaps once a week but actually, if I give an inch then they might ask why I cant do it more!

If it is such a regular arrangement I would leave when it suits you. They will get used to it-eventually.

And you do this once a week? I'd do as exotic says and just make the time you arrive and leave consistent and suitable for you and your DS's routine. Quite frankly they can like it or lump it. You don't have to do what your SIL does.

I would relax with a one off, but not every week.

I'm the same have a strict bedtime routine and it's been in place since day1. I can tell some family members don't really like/understand it but I don't care, got to what's best for me and dd. I will let it slide once in a while for family occasions but still won't leave it too late, maybe 8/8.30. Theres plenty of time for them to have later nights when they're a bit older but for now there's no need for them! Just keep doing what makes you and Ds comfortable.

I'm less strict than you about bedtime. DS goes to bed about 8, with a dinner, bath, milk, bed routine. He self-settles and sleeps to around 7-8am. But we're not slaves to the routine.

On Friday he didn't nap well, so we skipped the bath and he went to bed at half 7. Yesterday we met some friends in a pub for dinner and didn't get home til 8.30pm, so again skipped the bath and he went to bed at 9pm. Sometimes he naps a little later in the day and bedtime is adjusted accordingly.

It doesn't seem to do any harm, he still sleeps til the same time in the morning, and it's nice to have some flexibility. Could you compromise a bit by leaving once your ds is getting grouchy - get him in his pjs and give him his milk before you leave and he can fall asleep in the buggy/car on the way home?

er1507, do you notice a big difference in how your DD goes down if she hasn't followed the routine the night before?

YANBU
PILs would have our dds up 'til all hours if we let them (and I'm sure they do when they babysit at their house). But DH and I are the ones who have to deal with tired, ratty, grumpy children the following day, and it's simply not worth it unless there's a particular reason (parties, bonfire night) for it.

Thanks Rita, DS is grouchy from about half six anyway. He could sometimes go down earlier but obvs that gives us not much of a life!

I don't really like him falling asleep in the car as the transfer to the cot is crap. We have to park almost half a mile away sometimes and he always wakes when we get him out and start trudging along with all the bags/climbing the stairs to the flat. Then hes wide eyed! When he was smaller, that's what we used to do.

To be honest I don't think I do, she may be a little more tired in the morn but she still has a little nap then anyway. I agree with Charlottebrontesaurus im the one that has 2deal with dd if she's over tired or over stimulated, as long as you got some structure most of the time then don't worry too much. I tell the in laws now when it's time to stop playing so dd can wind down a bit and it helps.

I have always been strict with bedtime, particularly when they were very little. I was also strict with mealtimes, and general routines.

My sister was the opposite with her two.

My mum was always telling me I was too strict etc (in a friendly way), but that she just couldn't understand why my boys were so much better behaved, ate better, slept better...

Stick to your routines. You can ease off later when your LO is bigger.

Sittinginthesun what sort of routine did you follow? While I'm strict from tea time (5pm) I'm struggling to get a real routine through the day.

If you have a baby that gets overtired easily then I wouldn't stay late either. When DS gets overtired he will fight going to sleep and wake loads. If you put him down when he is just tired he will generally sleep through. We don't have a strict bed time though, we put him down when he is tired.

We don't have any sort of enforced routine time-wise, he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired and we have no problems. If I tried to enforce a bed time when he wasn't tired or stretch him out until I said it was bed time it would be a nightmare! We are lucky though in that the pattern of the day is always the same, the times just change depending on when he wakes.

Anyway, do what works for your baby. Routine won't work for everyone but if it's good for your baby then carry on. Leave early!

No I agree Jugs. Bedtime is the only thing I am strict about. His lunch/nap etc are just whenever I think he needs them and they differ dependent on where we are, and whatever we have got up to that day.

We just found that being bang on time about that one thing made the other things so much easier. He also fights it if he gets overtired so we found 7pm was the best all round time. 8pm was just that bit too long.

When I used to let him fall asleep in the car, I'd wake up to a different boy!

Stick to your guns! As they get older they gradually get a lot more flexible around bedtime and staying up late doesn't have quite such dramatic side effects. But most under 4s generally benefit from the sort of routine you have outlined. As you say - if it was once a month, then it's not a problem, but that regularly is just not necessary.

I wouldn't want to do this either. Some children can bounce around until midnight and still be okay the next day but all of mine have always needed their sleep or I really suffer with their grumpiness the next day. It sounds like hard work. I like to chill and wind down in the evenings when the dc are in bed. I'd do it if it was once a month though.

Hi again. Bedtime was the main one, but I worked part time from 6 months, so both boys started nursery mornings only, which meant routine re: mornings, afternoon naps etc.

Also, little rituals regarding meal times (sitting nicely, having a chat over a meal, asking to get down etc), tidying toys after playing etc.

It does pay off in the long run.

I think it depends entirely on your toddler. Some will just sleep when you put them to bed, some wont sleep no matter what time you put them to bed and some need a regular bedtime.

Why not just try one night and see how it goes. Even if he doesn't settle well that night it shouldn't affect him the following night and as long as he's in bed at a regular time, with a regular routine most of the time it shouldn't be an issue any other night - but you need to see how it is for your DS.

You are being unreasonable not to give it a go, you would not be unreasonable to insist on going home earlier if it proved to cause a problem.

You deserve a bloody medal for seeing that much of people who sound like hard work!!