Aagh!! Chest napping/co-sleeping routineless mess :-( Don't know how to sort it out....

[tory79]

My gorgeous DS is 3 months old and I feel like I have already got myself in a right old mess. I have a touch of pnd and am desperate to start feeling like I am on top of things.....

Basically:

• DS will only nap on me (or someone) He stirs the second you try and put him down anywhere. However he will happily sleep in his pram or carseat providing we are actually out and about - he seems to be very sensitive to his surroundings as he wakes up the second we stop moving. I have tried putting him down awake for naps with limited success - we have managed a couple of 30m ones in his pram but generally he starts crying.

• He will only sleep at night next to me, and I mean right next to me - he sleeps on his side turned in towards me and cries if I try to lay him on his back, and tries to turn himself over, which he can't quite do by himself yet.

-DH is in the spare room and has been for weeks now, he can't cope with broken nights sleep and I can't cope with him snoring on top of waking up for DS!!! DS generally wakes every 2-3 hours through the night, fortunately I have pretty much mastered feeding him before he really wakes up, so he just feeds and drifts back off again. I struggle with getting to sleep that quickly myself though, so in the last 3 months I have probably had max 2 hours sleep in a row.

• Because he won't sleep anywhere else but on me in the house he has no bedtime or any kind of routine really - there doesn't seem much point if there is nowhere I can put him! So he just spends the evening in the lounge with us, playing/napping and comes to bed with me sometime between 10/11ish. Sometimes his bath is the morning, sometimes the evening, sometimes the middle of the day, there is literally no routine at all. We get up anytime between 8ish and middayish.

I am getting so frustrated. Its hard because actually I love him napping on me and although I never intended to co-sleep I also enjoy that too! But I need time to do other things, and he weighs almost a stone now so my chest is starting to get a little crushed. I would also like the opportunity to actually sleep (in both senses of the word with my husband again!! But I just don't know where to start. I have bought NCSS and NCNS and hope to get some tips from there but would be sooooo grateful for any real life advice.

Help

I can sympathise, my DD only naps on us (though will nap on lap so no crushed chest) or in a sling,sadly never in the pram. Do you have a sling? they're a godsend for hands free napping. My DD would only sleep on me at night until 11 weeks (14 weeks now) but we just kept trying crib every week till she took it (with swaddle, warmed mattress, heartbeat womb sound and rolled towel round edge of crib), though she still doesn't sleep well, but then never has.

Would it be worth putting a bedtime routine in place to see if that helps prep him for night sleep? I don't know if you're a routine sort of person but it might help you feel a bit more in control of things. Perhaps also start by just picking one thing to tackle e.g naps OR night, rather than feeling like you have to change it all right away.

I recently bought NCSS too, there is nothing revolutionary in there but the author's gentle tone made me feel better about things and reassursed me that all the things i was/am doing 'wrong' is just my best attempt to meet my baby's needs. you sound like you're doing a great job of being sensitive to your LO's needs, don't beat youself up!

this is a great age to start a bedtime routine - decide what time he usually has his longer sleep at (eg from 7pm or 9pm usually) and set that as an aspirational bedtime. then get dh to train him to sleep. you can feed him in a darkened room but then give him to dh to settle in his cot. this has worked with all my children, even though they were all carried all day, only napped on me or when older in the pushchair, co slept, bf til some outrageous age etc. When mine woke up for their 'night-time feeds' ie anything after 7pm/9pm whatever time you decide is bed time, I used to pop them in bed with me for the rest of the night and feed them lying down in bed so it was easier for me to sleep afterwards. dh has always spent the first 6 months at least sleeping separately, we both preferred it that way, and one of mine still co-sleeps at the age of 4 (not sure if that will make you run screaming from my advice lol)

DD would settle in her cot at night but would only nap on me or in a moving pram for about 4 months. Until I decided that as lovely as it was I needed it to stop (for reasons similar to yours). I started by putting her down in the pram indoors and rocking it back and forth, then when she got used to that I rocked it less and less at each nap until eventually she got used to falling asleep in a still pram (took about 4/5 days).

Then I started putting her down in her cot with a set routine: nappy change, then I pull the blinds down, put her in her sleeping bag, give her a feed and put her in the cot awake. The first 3 or 4 times she either didn't go to sleep or only did for 10 min, but then suddenly got the hang of it and started getting proper naps.

It only took just over a week to switch from falling asleep on me while breastfeeding to going to bed awake and self settling, and I wish I had done it much sooner!

I am still not getting full nights sleep though. She goes to sleep ok but then wakes up once or twice most nights (even though I don't bf anymore ) so we are still working on this.

But at least that's the naps sorted :o

Sympathies. I am on my second cup of strong coffee while DS (10 months) has his brief morning nap.

He napped on me for the first 4 months, then was fine in his cot, unless he had a cold or was teething. So he might just grow out of napping on you. On the other hand, I would also say a bedtime routine would help, and just persevere with putting him in his cot. I didn't leave DS to cry, but I did have a few weeks of spending ages trying to settle him in his cot for his nightime sleep (the first stretch, that is). He was in our room and we removed one side of his cot, so I was very close to him.

Having a set bedtime and also waking up at the same time each day helps set their body clock. Also, try and go to sleep very early 2 or 3 times every week, this helps a lot. He might also get better once he can roll onto his tummy, DS now sleeps on his front.

It will get better... this is what I am desperately trying to convince myself of, as DS hit the 9 month sleep regression a couple of weeks ago.

dd1 was like this - turned out she had reflux so that might be worth investigating.

tbh, ours got so bad that after 4 months of no sleep (a good night gave us 3 hours in total but not together), we started solids and sleep training. I hate sleep training but it did work after about 3 days. We used to leave dd crying in her cot for 5 mins, then 10mins, then 15mins, then continued at 15mins etc. We've just started with dtds as they did sleep well but it went very much out of the window and now coping with dtds and dd1 I definitely need a bit of sleep (2 nights ago all 3 dc woke me in the night and once I'd sorted one, I had to sort the other etc). I was in tears hearing dtd1 screaming (she has a really fierce cry) but it was amusing to see dtd2 laying next to her in the cot looking baffled at her sister. dtd2 fell asleep with dtd1 still crying inches away! It took an hour and a half and suddenly all went quiet. After the next feed she didn't even fight it, just went straight back to sleep - possibly tired herself out crying :( We'll try again tonight and hope we've made progress.

Good luck - dd1 was a great sleeper after the training (now she's nearly 4 and a nightmare since dtds arrived as she wants to be in our bedroom with us and her sisters).

My DS was exactly the same and I second the suggestions to get a sling for daytime naps (saved my sanity!) and to implement a bedtime routine if poss. We do bath, change, story then feed and it seems to help DS to 'wind down' ready for sleep.

If you are happy to co-sleep, then by all means continue - my DS is 6 months and we co-sleep after his first night waking (mainly because I'm too lazy to bother rocking or settling and would rather be lying down!). My philosophy has always been that if he needs to be close to me then I'm going to keep him close - it's not forever and you're giving him so much comfort - he's still so little.

The other thing I would say is that something seemed to 'click' with my DS around 4/5 months - until then he wouldn't sleep without movement (rocking, pram, moses basket on a rocking stand). Then, suddenly, one day he could - it's almost like he had to reach a certain stage of maturity in order to be able to do this. I wish I had known this earlier, I might have been more patient when trying to get him to sleep in his (static) cot!!!

I hope you make some progress, good luck x x

he has now come down with a rotten cold so slept on me last night as well as napping on me - sigh!!

Thanks for all the replies.

I have been giving him a bath around 7ish for the last few nights, and dh has been away for the last 2 nights so I have gone to bed with ds at about 8.30. First night was great, he slept until 12ish then stirred to feed, last night was pretty horrible as he is struggling to breathe poor mite.

I guess I really need to crack getting him to sleep elsewhere/alone first off as I still can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with a bedtime routine if I then have to keep him with me until I go to bed....

I think you can implement a bedtime routine while they're still sleeping on you as long as you're willing to go to bed with them. We had a short bedtime routine - bath,massage,feed,bed,starting about 730 with bed about 830 - from about week 5 and DD still slept on me for another 6 weeks after that,helped me feel that i still had a tiny bit of control! Actually i still go to bed at the same time as DD even though she's now in her crib as she tends to not go back to sleep after her 4/5am feed so at least i get some sleep. It sounds like you started a bit of a routine while your DH was away,could you keep going with that?

I think that its all about doing anything to survive when you have a bad sleeper!

You can definitely do a bedtime routine which is different from day sleeps - all mine have settled into the idea but I'vre always got dh to do the bedtime bit. I suppose they don't expect the same from the other parent

You can definitely do a bedtime routine which is different from day sleeps - all mine have settled into the idea but I'vre always got dh to do the bedtime bit. I suppose they don't expect the same from the other parent

First, what you are describing is perfectly normal for a 3 month old. Around now you'll start to come under huge pressure from the local 'competitive parenting' brigade - all of whom will assure you that their little darling slept through from 3/4/5 months. Ignore them. Some babies simply don't learn to sleep through, or sleep independently as early as others, and that's OK - as long as you are able to handle the sleep deprivation. And it's OK too if you decide you can't - books like the NCSS are great if you are at the end of your tether.

And as for the routine, again it's not obligatory. You need to decide whether you want one. There are advantages for you in having a routine. On the otherhand, if you've got a baby who is happy to sleep on the go, it means you can be much more mobile and free to do what you like when you like than those families with babies who are slaves to a routine.

Likewise, cosleeping. Some people love it, others don't. Don't feel you need to give it up if you enjoy it. But if you do want an alternative, the NCSS is a good starting point.

FWIW my DS was also a terrible sleeper and didn't sleep through until all his teeth had come through, at 18mo. We also coslept However, now, at 3yo, he happily sleeps in his own bed, by choice, and is a really solid sleeper. I didn't 'teach' that, it just happened naturally (despite various hideous warnings from 'concerned' relatives that he would 'never' learn to sleep by himself if I didn't teach him ).

DD napped on me for the first 6 months (and I was the envy of most of my friends, but I am not sure they really meant it). My mum insisted on us tring to get her to sleep in her buggy (with a giant muslin or cellular blanket over the whole thing). We would rock her vigorously for about 10 min until she was asleep. This worked really well and she now will nap in her buggy without the rocking. Nursery also suggested that we give her a "muzzie" to hold all the time and she seems to find having a muslin with her very comforting. Gradually we were able to put her down once she had fallen asleep on one of us and we stopped co-sleeping at 6 months. Now at 15 mo we are still tying to get her to go to sleep in her cot, rather than being held and if she wakes in the night I tend to bring her in with us as I am too sleepy to want to put the effort into getting her back to sleep in her cot. It has been a slow process to get to where we are at. But in all honesty it probably could have been quicker, but I actually enjoy holding her and like that she gets so much comfort from me and DH.

One of the books that has helped me is the Sears and Sears baby book as they very much give you permission to hold your child as much as you want (obviously this is only helpful if it is what you want).

I'm not sure how much help this post will be for you as I was less bothered by DD sleeping on me & co-sleeping than you are.

Sounds pretty normal to me, probably just means he's just not quite ready to sleep alone yet. My advice would be to just try periodically to put him down when he's sleepy and one day it'll work. From memory the easiest 'nap' to get my DS down for was early morning so i started with that. Because i left it till he was ready it was a piece of cake. Had i tried earlier he would have cried for me. I must admit we did get the bedtime routine sorted by about 10 weeks i think - but again our DS was ready then. Many are not though. 3 months is still very little - do whatever you can to get through it and don't be made to feel guilty or inferior for it. I co-slept for at least the first 12 weeks and even after that he napped on me for a while longer. My DS is now a perfectly normal 13 mo who sleeps exceptionally well on his own for 12 hours at night. I really think this is because we waited until the time was right FOR HIM.

And congratulate yourself that you have a good, healthy bond with your gorgeous boy - so good, he doesn't want to be without you! It's what nature intended and these things do have a way of sorting themselves out without you putting pressure of yourself. If he's still sleeping on your chest at 18 then worry!

with my first i fed to sleep or napped her to sleep in a sling until she dropped her nap at age 2-1-2 when i was six months pregnant....never ended up buying a pram.

not that i want to worry you

but my four month (although also has never been in a pram) naps on me or dh in a sling but wil go down in an amby after a feed from 7 or 8 pm and will sleep until 11. before that she wasn't quite ready and would cluster feed all evening.

i found white noise of crickets or rain or a babbling brook and a bf in a dark room was all it took. she actually falls asleep by herself.

good luck