Can anyone make me feel better about controlled crying?

[MrsSleepless]

I have an 8.5 month old, she doesn't sleep through the night- I usually feed her when she wakes and she goes back to sleep.

We have a consistent bed time routine, which we have been doing for a few months now. I put her down awake and she sucks her thumb to sleep. She used to go to sleep quietly, but the last week she has really been screaming- tonight she screamed or 1hr and no matter how many times we went in and cuddled/patted her, she still didn't settle. SHe eventually cried herself to sleep and I feel like my nerves are torn to shreds.

I really want her to sleep through the night, I'm exhausted and I want her to stop crying herself to sleep, as it makes me feel really down.

So I'm thinking of controlled crying. I cant think of any other way. She used to sleep in our bed until she was 4.5 months in which time I barely slept, so I really dont want to go down this route again (in fact that thought scares me). Can anyone tell me that controlled crying worked and that it hasn't damaged the bond between you? I hear different things about controlled crying and I'm worried it will damage her somehow.

Thanks in advance

First see if you can find what is waking her. Is she cold? Hungry? Uncomfortable? Is it noisy? Does she have separation anxiety? We moved DD back in to our room in a travel cot at 7.5 months and now she can hear DH snoring us sleeping she settles herself.

Humans are pack animals, sleeping alone and without comfort isn't instinctive. Pack animals sleep in groups, usually touching.

It totally worked for both my DCs and we're well and truly, snuggletastically bonded. I'd say they were better than average sleepers, though they were both in my bed at 6am this morning (now 2yo and 4yo) so perhaps I should go back to it...

I really did no research on CC before I did it, I just followed the advice of some girls in my baby group and it worked. I had no idea how 'damaging' it was meant to be until I saw some threads on here.

It probably depends on the age, though. Mine were both around six months and that was absolutely fine and I thought it was quite needed by both of us. I'm no expert but my own experience hasn't shown an issue.

Your 8.5month old is deeply bonded to you for life. Please don't doubt that. People use 'bonding' against mothers and to support their arguments all the time - it's a bit evil IMO.

I'd recommend No Cry SLeep Solution, for a gentler but still effective approach.

This bit of life will not last for long. I do have a lot of sympathy - lack of sleep is hard - but at 8.5mths it is normal to wake in the night a few times.

controlled crying worked and continues to work for me and 3yo DD - she is generally a good sleeper but there seem to be phases when eg, she'll want to keep us in her room forever and cries if we leave. i find CC effective because

• both DD and i know i am not 'abandoning' her, i am going back regularly and ensuring all is ok before leaving again
• it helps me control my irritation/concern as i have a structure to work within

there's no problem with our bond!

it also helps me to think: CC is not about leaving DD cruelly. you check they are not soiled/hungry/cold/something caught etc. you behave gently and calmingly throughout. you are helping your child to self settle and to learn about times to be awake and asleep - these are life skills! not abuse.
i also remind myself that for young children there isn't really a difference between how they express a reaction to non-life threatening irritations and genuine crises. as far as a baby is concerned, mum not being where they can see them is life-threatening and they'll cry as if the world is ending. it's hard not to react to that as adults. but we can analyse situations more sophisticatedly and this is another skill we are trying to teach them - that going to sleep alone is safe.

We did CIO when DD was about 14 mo. We had previously tried shush-pat, CC (returning every so often to settle her) but nothing had worked. One night, after 2.5hrs of screaming with DH and I both doing our best to soothe her, we both had to give up.

She was asleep shortly after.

The following night we left her to it, and she was asleep within about 45 minutes.

If she woke in the night, we left her a while to see if she'd settle and if she wouldn't, we'd go in, give her dummy and bunny and then leave her again.

Pretty much since then, she's gone to bed and gone down no problem. She still often wakes up once in the night but again, we give her her comforters and go back to bed - we're usually up for less than a minute. She's now 20mo, and I'd stop getting up to her at all if I weren't pregnant again, but it's easier to go and settle her so I can get back to sleep myself than to leave her to it!

Please don't worry about breaking your bond with her - sometimes you have to do what you have to do, and sometimes the thing that works quickest is the thing you've been most reluctant to try. You're her mum, she loves you, you love her. You both need sleep!

www.isabelagranic.com/bed-timing/2009/06/what-are-the-longterm-outcomes-of-letting-your-baby-cry-while-sleeptraining.html

Here is a review of the evidence from a developmental psychologist. There is no good evidence that crying when learning to sleep is bad for babies.

If your DD previously went to sleep OK but hasn't for the last week are you sure that she isn't teething or something? Teething feels worse when lying down so it wouldn't be surprising if it disturbed her self-settling. The problem is that you can't always see the teeth that are causing the trouble but it is a possibility that this is the root of your problem.

If you want to do CC, be warned that it isn't always a permanent solution. I did it with DS1, after a horrific week of crying for hours (him and me) it did work but the effect only lasted for about 2 weeks and he went back to not settling for ages again. No apparent reason for it, we changed nothing, he just stopped going to sleep by himself. At that point we abandoned it - no way was I going to go through that again. I went back to feeding him to sleep and he evetually started to sleep through the night at 10.5 mths all by himself. We didn't even attempt it for DS2 and he slept through at 8 mths.

It is tough, the sleep deprivation. DS1 would be awake numerous times a night with no real routine so you could never relax. However, CC is not the only method of sleep training. Have a look at the book nethunsreject suggests. And good luck - you will get through it!

I did a different cc with my son. I didnt allow him to become hysterical as i dont agree that thats fine for them to go through. The technique i used was to put him down whilst still awake, when he started to really be upset ( not just fuss) i picked him up but the second he calmed i put him back down. I was told to count so i could see even the smallest progress. first night 32 times second 9 times, third twice forth night zero.

It is a battle of wills, u have to decide that no matter how many times you will 'win' But when it happens it is really like magic. This was the only form Of cc i was comfortable with because you are there with them tge whole way and really worked for us. I hope this helps, good luck. Ps fyi my son was 9 months and used to wake up every hour and a half constantly through the night he is also one of the most strongest willed children i have ever come across. In short he was a tough nut to crack but this way worked quite easily without me feeling like i was totally heartless x

Babies go through all sorts of funny phases. You think you've got it sussed and then they start doing something different. At the age you baby is it might be teething so maybe a lot of teething gel would help.

My DC are now 10 & 8. We did CC with DC1 when he was about 8 months as decided that was v tired and if was cavewoman would probably have just ignored him! We did the version where you go in/ reassure/ go out again. It worked after about two nights with no hysterics as we only ever left him a few minutes before going in and out. It was a great move as felt much more like a human being after, esp with DC2.

Can't remember when we did it with DC2 but prob about the same age.

Both my two were breastfed for ages. I was at home with them both until they were 1 and then only worked part time. We had loads of time to bond with each other.

The both sleep like logs now, love sleeping, are not afraid of dark and are totally bonded.

Do not worry about it - if you need the sleep you will feel better for it during the day and have more fun with your DD. If it worries you leave it for a little bit as the night waking phase may pass. Get your DP to help you so that if it all goes pear shaped he can at least cuddle your little one while you get a bit of sleep.

Hope it works.

Oh also I used to feed my two to sleep the whole time. DC2 I used to breastfeed to sleep in bed with me and then sneak off to watch TV! DP used to out her in the cot later. I carried on feeding her to sleep until she was 2 plus. I know its easy to say in hindsight but doing what feels best will probably work for you as you will feel happy about it and your baby will pick up on that too.

Thank you for your replies. It was good to hear your experiences and Isabel Agranic's article was interesting, you don't often get to read a balanced view.

She only woke once last night, she must have been too tired after all that crying! I can cope with a couple of night wakings, but let's see how long that lasts! I have already tried the no sleep cry solution when I was moving her to her cot. It did help but I felt the book was more helpful for setting up the right sleeping environment, I still had to do a bit of controlled crying which I have been feeling bad about for ages (I was so desperate back then!), but now I have a bit more confidence to do it again if needed.

She still woke up with bags under her eyes. Is it a sign she isn't getting enough sleep or is it normal? She is still having 3 naps a day (about 45 mins) so I don't know how to get any more sleep into her!

It worked brilliantly for us, before this my ds didn't even self settle at 13 months!
Took maybe 4-5 days felt awful but long term I knew it was the best thing. I think it helped that I had a fantastic HV to guide me. She gave me the wake up I needed.

Hope it goes well. It works brilliantly for naps here too

I tried a bit of controlled crying, it didn't work. You need to fully go for it. It has not affected my relationship with ds negatively at all.
In fact he is less clingy as he isn't exhausted from lack of sleep and disturbed nights.
We also put in place a strict no mummy and daddy's bed policy unless ill. We caved in easily before doing CC.

I was dead against CC until I had a newborn and a 13m old and now I feel a fool I didn't do it earlier!

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad MrsSleepless, but the bags are probably due to the crying. I know if I cry at night (not that I do a lot!) I have puffy eyes in the morning, no matter how much sleep I have had. You'll probably find that once she goes to sleep OK without crying the bags will go.

Actually, thinking about it too much sleep can give me baggy eyes too, for the first hour or so after waking anyway, something I have noticed in my children too, so bags might be a good thing and a sign she is well rested!!

I found it worked for a while, then after a month, he got worse at night, and was unhappy, grizzly and clingy during the day. I was horrified to think that We might be altering his character in anyway or damaging him. So we stopped, and it may have been coincidence but his mood lifted in the day he settled faster at night.

This was a few months ago. We're having another rotten phase at the moment, but I have just resigned myself that he'll be a bad sleeper til he's nearly 3, like his older brother was.

So I really can't make you feel better about it, but wanted you to have another viewpoint.

My first thought on reading your op was also that she could be teething? You say she used to go to sleep quietly but things have suddenly changed in recent days. Give her the benefit of the doubt, have a feel of her gums. Are her nappies a bit off, is she a bit whingey during the day? Does she bite on things? Those are all classic signs of teething.

I wouldn't start with controlled crying if there is any hint that dd is feeling under the weather (although am usually strong advocate of cc and did it very painlessly with my 2 dc when they were about 10/11 months old).

Of course she's got bags under her eyes- so would you if you had cried yourself to sleep!

Indeed, seeker.

Look, I do not know if CC has any effects on bonds/blah blah blah, but I know FOR ME it feel wrong for my baby to be crying alone. If you're okay with it and you need to do it, well, fine, I know how hard tiredness is to deal with. I just think it's good to know there are a variety of options to address the issue, not just cc! It should really be the last resort, not the first?

If she''s been ok until now then there is a good chance that she's teething and so in pain.

In answer to the OP, 'Can anyone make me feel better about controlled crying'?

Yes, lots of people can make you feel better.

However, there are people who simply cannot stop themselves trying to make you feel bad. Their opinions haven't been asked for but they'll just not be able to let a CC discussion take place without 'highlighting' their reservations.

OP, if those people start posting on this thread please ignore them. Genuinely, 'live and let live' types wouldn't post on a thread responding to a title like this to make you feel 'worse' about controlled crying, they'd just move on.

as well as her probably teething etc she is also prime age for separation anxiety to kick in. i know it did with my boys at that age and also with dd, my dd is now just one (its her bday today!) and is now getting so i can tuck her up, give her her dummy and a kiss and sit on the edge of the bed till she is dozy and then i can leave the room. until recenlty i was lying down with her as she went to sleep and then creeping out.

i am sure some people find that cc works but it was never for me and the fact that many parents end up repeating the process after each bout of teething/illness/growth or developmental spurt really puts me off.

i would try ruling out anything that could be bothering her first and be inclined to give it a few days to see if she settles back down again, if she did settle and now isnt then something has changed (for her at least) or is upsetting her. rule those issues out first and then decide on cc :)

LemonDifficult - the question asks 'can anyone make me feel better'. My answer would therefore be 'no'! Yours may be yes.

It is possible to present different points of view without it being an attempt to tell someone they are wrong!

I have said that I do not know enough data proving that cc is harmful or not harmful. It is (for me) a purely personal issue. If an individual is comfortable with it, then fine, do what you need to do. A few of my pals have done it. They are good parents. I haven't. I am also a good parent.

I just think it's seen as some sort of magic cure all, and it isn't. I don't know any parent who has found it anything other than painful to hear their kid cry. There are other approaches, if that is what someone wahts.

I have toyed with doing CC with my 10.5mo crap sleeper, but I haven't done it because I know I would be rubbish at it and give in and then I would have put him through it all for nothing. Also, hearing that you have to keep doing it really puts me off, I thought it was a painful but permanent fix. No real advice - good luck with whatever you try.

CC worked a treat for us and certainly did not damage the bond we have with DS. In fact, once he slept through after CC, he was a much happier baby. Clearly CC is not the only way to make babies go through the night but it worked for us. We only had to do it once (at 6 months, DS now 14 months) so far.
Like Flisspaps we had to do more CIO rather than CC as Ds became angrier when we kept coming in.
The key for me is to be very consistent so you don't give out mixed messages, so you have to be sure and be on the same wavelength with OH.

Well I don't agree with controed crying but my mum had 4 under 5 and when asked if the younger one slept through the night she would answer 'I have no idea. I do though!' He's probably the most secure sensible one of the lot of us.

Hth