OK, I give up, recommendations please!

[cordiality]

My lovely DD is 9 months old and she's brilliant and a total sweetheart but we are at the end of our tether with her sleep. What's worse is that I'm pretty sure that it's entirely our fault!

She was a brilliant sleeper when she was tiny (in fact I think I even put a thread up on here worrying that she was sleeping too much... ha. ha.) so we never bothered to implement routine or teach her to go to sleep by herself.

We're now in the position where we have to hold her until she's fast asleep, and then gently put her down, and then pick her up when she immediately wakes up and do it all again. The second I pick her up into my arms she is straight back to sleep. It drives me mad.

She's up about 3/4 times in the night, it often takes an hour to put her down again. She'll only sleep for about 20 minutes during the day in her cot. She now won't even be held to sleep by my DH, only by me. I'm at the end of my tether.

Last night I decided enough. I sat in her room, with her in her cot, gently singing to her and telling her to lie down. She was hysterical, begging to be picked up, sobbing, snotting, coughing, it was all very dramatic! I'd pick her up to soothe her, and the second I put her down, hysterical again. I gave up when she made herself sick. (Changed her, held her, fast asleep in about 2 mins. Kill me now.)

SO, (and sorry this is so long), we need help. I worry I may be too soft and too willpowerless(?) to keep to a solution from a book, so maybe we get someone in? Someone who won't make me leave her to cry? And who doesn't cost a fortune?! Do any of you guys have someone you recommend? We're in North West London.

Or is there a brilliant sleep plan that you think I can do and keep to? I am really ready to give it a go, I just think I'm so tired and pathetic that when she gets hysterical I'll just give up.

Jeez, I'm annoying myself just thinking about how badly I've done this.

Help me pleeease, oh Tired Ladies of the Sleep Board...

Hey,

Have not a great deal of advice and hope someone who knows a bit more will be along with more advice.

With my DD (now 15 months) I rely completely on a routine of some sort, so, bath, bottle, quick play and then into sleeping bag into cot and mobile goes on and light off. If she wakes and cries at anytime in the night I go in and check she's not had an accident and that she's fine, ensuring the light is kept low, I don't speak to her and have any eye contact (as advised by HV) , perhaps give her a quick cuddle and put her back down and the mobile goes back on. and repeat to fade.........

There have been nights when the crying was longer but gradually these are getting less and less. My DH helps, he has to be strong when all I want to do is go in and give her a cuddle. I now know when she is working it and when she is in pain through teething/reflux so do more with these wakings but if your DD goes straight off when you are there then I think she is just after a cuddle and you may have to toughen up (disclaimer: I'm not sure how to do this and know it isn't at all easy!)

I would also alternate between you and DH as to who puts her to sleep and who sees to her in the night. My DD is going through a very clingy stage with me during the day at the moment so we make sure DH takes her even if she is protesting otherwise I think it'll make the situation worse!

Good luck, I hope you get some sleep soon - sending you sleepy vibes!

does white noise such as hairdryer, washing machine etc have any effect on her? If so, i have this evening downloaded the sleep maker app and for the first time, my DD has gone to sleep and stayed asleep in her cot! I hope this helps. I feel like cracking open the champagne!

Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. Sorry for not replying sooner, dd was ill with a high temp yesterday... perhaps that explains why she was so dreadful on fri night.

I think I do need to toughen up on cuddling her in the night if there's nothing actually wrong. It's good to hear that other people have similar experiences. We will definitely just tough it out with my DH putting her to bed, that's something I really can be strong with (as I don't have to be there!)

I'm going to go look at books today and really try to stick to a method rather than just throwing everything at the problem.

Am I best to wait to start until she's better? She still has a slight temperature and a cough, it seems a bit mean to start 'training' her now!

(god, am I already starting to make excuses?! I really am rubbish!)

Oh sorry Rubyzelle, great suggestion re white noise, I will definitely download the app and give it a go. Do you leave it on all night?? Don't you need your phone?!?!

You could try asking the Millpond Child Sleep Clinic. They give free advice on the Sleepytot Forum here: www.sleepytot.com/forum and you might just find they have some tips for you.

Other than that I'm not sure I know the answer other than controlled crying, which is no fun for anyone! x

no, i don't leave it on all night. It has a timer function so i set it to an hour as human sleep cycle is 45 mins approx and my DD often wakes after 1 cycle. Setting it to over 45 mins has ensured we don't go back to square 1 after 1 sleep cycle. Then i can sneak in when i know she's been asleep for at least 45 mins and retrieve phone!

She may just get over it. 9 months is a big mental and physical growth spurt for children. My DD went through this and it was hell for about 6 weeks. Then it just stopped and she's been a dream with sleeping ever since.

So if you can put up with it for a bit, go with the flow and it may get better on its own.

However, if you want to try to get into a routine. How about, putting in her cot when she is sleepy (not asleep). If she cries and holds up her arms, pick her up straight away and when she is sleepy put her back in again. If she starts crying as you're putting her down, make sure you actually put her down before you pick her up again or it will give her confusing messages. It WILL work, but may take some time. You'll need the patience of a saint.

My dd is 9 months and her sleep was getting worse and worse. 3 bottles overnight and hours to settle after. 2 nights ago dh decides enoughs enough and did a kind of pupd,she had one long episode at ten then woke at 3 and only picked her up once. last night was just once at 3am re settled quickly. I didn't want to do this but with constant headaches, rows and dd 1 falling asleep at school I had no choice! good luck.

Maybe it is just a phase. But it seems like there's always one issue or another. To be honest, I feel like I'm losing it a bit, and it's starting to affect the way I feel about her, so I have to get it sorted. Last night she went to sleep at 7.30, up from 8-8.15, 9-9.30 and then 11.15 until 3am. Then up for good at 7am. I'm so tired I can barely face going out of the house.

My DH is upstairs with her at the mo. She slept for all of 20 mins this time. He starts a new job tomorrow and we're all just so stressed. I can't remember the last time we even sat down and had a conversation together.

I've booked some sleep fairy woman (not the really expensive one!) to come on Thursday and I just hope she can give me a strict plan that I can stick to. I'd even give CC a go now if it was within a structure that I felt happy with.

Thanks for your advice guys. It does sound like being cruel to be kind is my only choice now.

Ledkr, I remember you off the Feb antenatal thread! Hope you're getting more sleep now!

my baby is 10months and has just been through a really unsettled phase, suddenly he dropped night feeds and almost slept through (till 5:30) a couple of times. i tried it all with ds1 though (am not on dc3)...

choose your goal, think long term, how do you want things to be? for me it was baby in his cot, in his room from 7pm till as close to 7am as possible.
then read up on all the different ways of teaching baby to self settle - e.g gradual withdrawal, pick up put down, shush and pat, cc. choose one, agree with your dh what you are going to do, write it down, stick to it rigidly for every single time baby has to go to sleep. start with 1st nap of the day so by bedtime she'll be getting the idea and it won't be as hard. i got a hv to help me and she said make sure all their needs are met then stick to the plan - if they're teething or ill (obviously not really ill) then give calpol and carry on!
it took a couple of weeks for us, i had tried all the gradual withdrawal and other slow/gentle/no cry approaches but they just made ds more cross so unfortunately in a state of desperation and pregnant i did cc. he's been a brilliant sleeper ever since though.

with my older kids i put lullaby cd's on and a night light show so they had something to distract them and look at while they fell asleep.

Cordiality, have you name changed? I agree about affecting how you feel towards them,I never stopped loving her but began to resent the limitationsno sleep placed on my life. I actually managed to do housework and go out today clean and even a bit groomed!
I agree, research and then just go for it.

nope not name changed ledkr, was just more of a lurker than a poster! So, the Magic Cure All Lady came in today. Obviously DD slept from 11-7.15 last night, first time ever... typical!

She was very straight forward, gave me a really good structure for sorting out her eating, toughened me up a bit re which cries I need to go to her for, and which are just her unwinding and not really distressed, and here we are!

She went to sleep by herself at 7.45 (UNHEARD OF) after about 15 mins of fussing and crying, during which I went in 3 times and gave her cuddles and reassurance, and she hasn't woken up yet, which is pretty good for her.

I'm against CC as a rule, but I feel somehow that this is ok, I sit and listen to her cries, if they seem to be escalating, I go in. If she's been quietening down, I let her get on with it.

Will report back on how it goes, but I'm feeling so optimistic at the moment. That, combined with feeling bad for her being by herself, has made me spend most of the day and evening in tears, but I think they're more of relief than distress now.

Fingers crossed...

Hi, I was wondering which sleep person you used?

We are also at then end of our tether. From 4-7 months dd was a fab sleeper. By 7months she would do 7-7. Now she is up two or 3 times a night. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong. When we go in and sssh pay she settles very quickly and as soon as we leave she goes nuts. We are trying CC but it doesn't seem to be working. dD can go 1 hour or more screaming at full pelt.

I don't know what to do next!

Hi, I'd also like to know who you used! DS 10 months is a terrible sleeper and I'm loosing the plot!

I used this lady that I found on the internet, her name is Dee Booth. I was looking for someone called the Sleep Fairy that my friend recommended, and the one she was talking about was much too expensive, but this lady came up as well. I called her and she seemed lovely on the phone, so I went for it!

She came on Thursday morning and was here for 3 hours. I did a 5 day diary for her beforehand detailing naps and sleeps and milk and food etc and she came up with some suggestions for improving the structure of her food so that she wasn't hungry overnight.

We put DD down for a nap together. I was convinced that there was no way she would go to sleep by herself but she did. We put her down, and listened outside. Whenever her cries were escalating, or sustained (and I literally mean 30 seconds) I went in and reassured her. I'd leave her if she was quietening down.

I'm not explaining this very well. Anyway, she went to sleep after about 20 mins.

First night she slept from 7.45 to 7.45!!!! I heard her awake at about midnight, she cried for about 30 seconds and coughed for a bit, and then went back to sleep. UNHEARD OF!

Last night she was asleep at 7.30, she woke up at 8.30 but when we went in she had done a poo and been sick, so we can forgive her for that! We brought her downstairs, had a cuddle, gave her a bit of milk, and she was back asleep in bed at 9. She slept solidly until 8am.

Naps have been fine as well. She took about 8 mins to go to sleep this evening, we went in twice in that time. I do still feel bad that she cries, but it's mostly that she's furious because she doesn't want to be put down, she wants to be cuddled, and I have to start saying no to that.

I feel so much more positive already. I really want to play with her now when she's awake, I'm thrilled to see her when she wakes up, not exhausted and frustrated. It's brilliant.

I know it can all go tits up and probably will, but I think I get what I need to do. If I'm a bit lost I can call Dee any time. (Not sure how much she'd like a 3am freak out though!)

I don't think that Dee is 'the answer', that she's a miracle worker and the only person in the world who can help. I do however think that we really needed a 'someone' and not a book to help us. But everyone's different.

There you go! Essay over!

Wow Cordiality - very pleased for you. Dee sounds great. My 6 m/o is a bad sleeper and I will keep this recommendation in mind if things don't improve with our current No Cry Sleep Solution approach.