What is the truth???

[MadameJ]

So DD (11 months) is a very inconsistent sleeper - she can and has slept 10 hours through the night but in the same week can be awake every hour. I am of the thinking that I do whatever DD needs during the bad nights whether this be co-sleeping, feeding her back to sleep, rocking etc etc.

I am starting to notice that the sympathy I received when she was younger (she never slept longer than 2 hours at a time until she was 5 months +) has now turned into everyone offering unwantedadvice. I never really comment on DD's sleep but obviously somedays it is blatantly obvious as I look so awful!!
So, I have had -

More/less daytime sleep needed
More/less activities
More/less fresh air
Stricter/more casual routine needed
More/less food in the evenings
Wean from the breast
Put her on formula
Leave her to cry
Its Temper
She is spoilt
Blah, blah, blah. . . . .I really could go on and on!!!

Our routine is similar every day and I cant really identify anything that we do differently on the days that are followed by appalling nights, I always put them down to teething or yet another developmental thing.

It would be intersting to hear your thoughts on this??

No advice Im afraids same happens here DD is 2 and still wakes loads for feeds but on some nights will go 6hrs without one and others just 1.5hrs. Im on my own so just go with the flo or Id never get any sleep shes back in my bed for the most part and I just watch TV or read I dont mind in the winter but in the summer I like my own time.

Honestly? I think it's your individual baby. The only thing that seems to really, reliably affect sleep is having been a good sleeper yourself as a baby and choosing to breed with someone who was also a good sleeper!

Sometimes things like too much daytime sleep can affect night time sleep - e.g. a late nap can mean that they are not tired at bedtime. But if you've tried the obvious, I'd say it's probably just how she's built.

I'd also say that, those with good sleepers will be very keen to tell you 'the solution'. It is meant kindly most of the time, but it doesn't mean it will work for you (or even that there was any causation for them).

My sympathies. FWIW, DD1 was like this at 11 months and started sleeping through reliably (or only waking once for a quick drink of water) shortly afterwards. Woke until 5:30 am for another few months and is now one of the best little sleepers I know at 2.5.

It's only a phase. This too shall pass .

DS (20 months) is exactly the same so you have my sympathy - same routine every day, one day he'll sleep (including naps) 3 hours out of 24 and the next he will sleep 15 hours out of every 24.

Have also tried everything. So yes I totally agree with secondtimelucky - he hasn't been teething since he was 13 months and there are only so many growth spurts/developmental phases we can put it down to - so we've decided that it is just the way he is.

Apparently though, I started sleeping through at 5 months and DP started sleeping through at 9 months so we're completely stumped (amongst other things!)

Good luck and the only thing keeping us going is that it HAS to get better at some point before DS is 18 years old...surely??!!

All those things can effect sleep - but at the end of the day some babies are just easier to parent at night than others. At 11 months you shouldnt really expect babies to be sleeping through all the time as they are going through so much developmentally, they need varying degrees of comfort/milk/energy depending on whats going on in their little growing brains!

Plus at that age they cant really communicate their needs so once you have illiminated hunger or nappy and other obvious physical factors it can only be an emotional need. Some babies need help to quiten their active minds, some need more comfort wether thats feeding or co-sleeping or both to reassure them.

ATEOD though you are the only expert on your own child, no-one else, and your instincts are your best guide :)

My DS is the same, totally inconsistent!

I have tried to identify things which precede a good or bad night, and between the ages of 6-11 months I tried every possible combination of more / less sleep, more / less food in the evening, more / less stimulation etc etc. Nothing seemed to make any difference.

He is now 13 months old and I have just accepted that that is the way he is, and I enjoy the good nights sleep and get through the bad ones by telling myself that a good one must come along soon. To be fair, it does seem to be gradually improving overall.

I was apparently a 'good' sleeper and my brother was a nightmare and as we have the same parents I don't really believe that it can be down to the parents' genes.

I have 3 children and each slept very differently. DC1 woke once in the night around 4.30 for a feed until he was 13 months when I decided enough
was enough (was 3 months pregnant with DC2) so did CC only took 2 nights and hardly any crying and he has slept through ever since. DC2 slept through after just a few months but would occasionally wake a few times a night as an older baby and young toddler but she has slept through consistently since she was 2. DC3 OTOH.... Well she is very erratic, good sleeper as a young baby all went to pot when she was 4 months, improved at 6 months but basically she will sleep 12-13 hours a night 5 or 6 nights a week but the other nights will be awake 2-4 hours in the night and NOTHING will get her to sleep! I have tried everything! I have had to accept that this is how she is and as long as she doesn't have a bad night every night or every few nights then I can live with it. I am thinking of putting her in the same room as DC2 as when we went on holiday they slept in the same room and DC3 loved it and slept through every blessed night! Good luck.

I always found the people who gave the advice were usually those whose children had been good sleepers and had no inkling of what I was going through. They always put it down to their fantastic parenting rather than their child's temperament. I wish I'd listened to the hv who told me that some children don't need as much sleep as others and some are just bad sleepers and not to knock myself out looking for a magic solution but apply a bit of common sense and do what you can to get through it. She was right. Took me a while to recognise it.
Chin up and you'll get through it.

Thanks everyone, I had already decided many months ago that this was just how DD is and as I said I do whatever needs to be done to manage on a bad night, but it is so frustarting when everyone makes out that it is something that I am doing - Mumsnet always makes me feel better, I think I need to invest in some better make up then nobody will ever guess

Don't know whether this will help but it made me smile:

Back in the day when I was on Facebook, I had a friend who consistently bragged about the fact that her DC (DS 2 years and DD 6 months old at the time) slept through from 8pm until 8am without fail. By bragged, I mean she really did go to town on it and strongly hinted at the fact that her excellent parenting skills had more than a lot to do with it.

Having noticed one morning that she'd posted a comment about something or other at 3.12am (I remember it distinctly!) I replied saying "must be awful to be suffering from insomnia whilst your DCs are sleeping so well". Harsh, I know, but sleep deprivation does that to you!

She never replied. Neither did she boast about her DCs excellent sleeping patterns again - well not during the following 3 months that I was on there for anyway.

So here's a second vote for Mumsnet - reading about others who are in the same (if not a far worse) position than yourself is far more helpful/comforting than being made to feel as though you're a bad parent by those who either really don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived, or else won't admit it.

I really do hope this helps because I'm afraid that I have nothing else to offer apart from sympathy x

Come join us on the sleep deprivation support thread. Some babies just sleep worse than others. [shrug]. I'm much happier since I stopped analysing everything/reading every book and just accepted it and learnt to deal with it best I can. You have my sympathies though. Definitely with you on the fact that people do not show the same sympathies as when you have a younger baby that doesn't sleep. Best to hide the bags under the eyes with good concealer and put on a brave face to those who will offer unwanted advice

DD is 2.1 and her sleep continues to baffle me. Last night she slept from 8pm - 7.34am; the previous night she was wide awake for at least 30 mins at 1am (I then decided I wasn't going to get her to settle in the immediate future and so put on her story CD and went back to bed); the night before that she woke twice and needed cuddles to go back to sleep but went straight back to sleep. Tonight we've already had a demand for a drink. It seems to me that whenever she does settle into a better routine (and we have had stretches of her sleeping through for 3 months at a time) she gets ill/gets a new tooth/we go away and that sends her back to square one.

In some ways, I've given up and just do whatever I think will solve the problem the most quickly as that will maximise the amount of sleep I get. By the age of my DD there's very much an expectation that your child will sleep through but, if I mention it to my friends, at least half of them still have broken nights so I don't feel alone in dealing with it. I think it helps that I often wake myself in the night and even if its only for a few minutes I still start to wonder how long I'll be awake for and try to remind myself that DD may do something similar but that, with no concept of time and no way of finding a solution (i.e. no means of turning on a light to read, getting out of the cot to go to the loo, getting a thicker/thinner blanket) it must be quite daunting.

There's nothing more infuriating than people saying "have you tried...". Actually, there is - when I was telling an NCT friend on DD's 1st birthday about how, on reflection, the first year hadn't been as bad as I'd expected and she said "but what about the terrible sleep problems you have" and I realised that I was the parent the others all talk about when I'm not there despite the fact I thought I was dealing with a pretty normal sleep problem and that it was just bad luck that 4 of the other 6 babies in the NCT group slept through by 8 weeks and have continued to do so other than when very ill.

So, this is just a (long & rambling) solidarity post really. You will have times where your DD's sleep improves dramatically but there will be times when it gets worse again. I don't think that there is a magic wand so, to the extent you can, go with the flow. Making sure you eat well & get some exercise should mean that when you go to bed you will sleep well which is obviously important as those hours are so precious that you can't really afford to spend them tossing & turning!

I am currently hoping that DD will magically get the hang of sleeping through by the time DC2 arrives in a couple of months but I think my chances of that are limited.