Tried to leave my 11 mo DS to cry for 1,2,3 mins...hystrical, distraught

[Napdamnyou]

And this was attempted in the daytime, as a desperate experiment, after me reading all the bloody books advocating forms of cc... he failed to nap this morning, then fell asleep during post lunch bf, woke when moved to cot.

Basically I wanted to try to see if I and he could stand being left to cry and thought in the day would be less stress for us both.

All his life he has fought sleep, fights naps, has to be breastfed to get anywhere close to chilling down enough to consider a snooze.

I've stopped feeding to sleep, I wake him for kiss if he asleep and say 'sleepy time, time to sleep ds' then put him in cot or hand to DH. Who rocks then puts in cot. He has a routine, a cuddly...and now if awake but sleepy at bedtime or naps he often grumbles, a it, for 30 secs ( not crying), moves round cot like dog settling in basket then drops off.This is huge achievement and took months.

But he still repeatedly wakes at night and has to be bounced or fed to sleep again.

Everyone seems to think cc will work, but how can it work when he just becomes more and more distraught? Sweating, shuddering, escaating...even when I cuddled him and abandoned the attempt after ten min he continued to cry,whimper, gasp, gulp, and look terrified and - disturbed. It looked traumatic. It took an hour for him to stop whimpering and settle, he comfort sucked at my boob and looked so sad and bereft, no eye contact...heartbreaking.

I just cannot see how any sleep training involving crying could work for us as he doesn't cry then calm, he cries until he is a nervous wreck and it in no way calms him at all. He has got stamina and I think he would cry for hours. Cry until hoarse, a sobbing mess and not even in my arms...he normally always calms in my arms...
:(
I can't bear it. Yet the only things left seem to involve crying to some degree. I feel like I've lost my right to bemoan the lack of sleep because I can't, won't do the crying til he settles thing. He won't settle when he cries. He just becomes frantic. So what's the point?

Sorry epic post. Any ideas???

Sorry about typos. Typed one handed when bfIng in dark room.

Have you tried No Cry Sleep Solution?

Have you considered pick up put down by baby whisperer? I never tried it myself. I think it would still involve a lot of crying but at least he wouldn't feel abandoned? I seem to remember being in same position as yourself at around this age. I put him in cot when not too overtired and sometimes he settled himself after talking to himself. But if he started to cry I would go and see him and rock him to sleep. It was sort of no pressure- if he needed me I'd go and see him. But over time he was starting to settle himself more and more. It was just a system we came up with ourselves. Not going to work for every baby probably.

No cry sleep so lution has got us to the point of routine, cuddly, being put down slightly awake etc. PUPD just winds him up to a frenzy.which is a shame. I can see how it would work for lots of babies but doesnt for him. Thanks for suggesting them...they were exactly the sort of more gentle solution I was after. Alas, we seem to have got as far as possible with NCSS but he still wakes and wants to be fed or bounced or both. He then gets into bed with us for an easier life.

Thank you for the reassuring thought that it will get better over time Bozemum, it's the tales of rods and backs and never sleeping as a toddler that have been getting to me, the idea that I need toteachhim for his own good etc

First time cc (1 min, 2 min etc never more that 4 mins and I stayed in room whole time) she cried on and off for three hours. Second night half an hour. Not perfect now but much much better and wakes once a night.

Well I had a lot of those worries. At about 16 months I still needed to rock him to sleep a lot and it was exhausting. And I did wonder how he'd ever outgrow it. But he somehow did. And I can't quite remember how! I remember wondering if I'd need to leave him to cry but could never bring myself to do it. I think it's best to go with what you think is best. Mummy always knows best i think.

DS1 was a terrible sleeper and I cracked at about 8 months and decided to do something about it. Got a few books from the library. Consensus seemed to be that the key was dealing with getting to sleep at the beginning of the night with daytime naps and night wakings to follow.

I introduced a story between last feed and putting down to make sure he was properly awake and knew he was settling himself. Then sat next to the cot and sometimes patted and sometimes just watched him cry while crying myself took about 4 days then gradually started retreating towards the door.

I think you need to accept there will be crying and decide how you will handle it.

My DS was very similar - tried cc once or twice but he became so hysterical that it was just too traumatic. At around 14 mo I used gradual retreat.

First night, I sat next to his cot but didn't give any eye contact. He still cried but it was a very different tone of crying - rather than the hysterical sobbing, it was a very controlled crying....he was furious that he was being ignored, but he knew I was there and he hadn't been left alone. It took him about half an hour to go to sleep, but just when I was wondering if it was ever going to work he just lay down and went to sleep!

Second night, same routine but further away from the cot. He cried again but it only took him about 15 min to go to sleep.

Third night further away again - he stopped crying within 6-7 minutes.

And so on, moving further away each night....About a week after starting it, I put him in the cot and left the room. He cried for a couple of minutes, but by that point he knew the score and realised that it wasn't going to get him anywhere!

He's been a good sleeper ever since (28 mo now) - but then we have just moved him into a bed, so watch this space!!

Good luck! Hope you find the way that works for you. [hsmile]

You poor thing - much sympathy. We had similar with both ours but cracked earlier this time with DD. I couldn't bear to leave her to cry, No Cry Sleep didn't work (at all) and neither did Baby Whisperer.

In the end, we put DD in her cot after usual bathtime routine. Boobed and sleepy. But awake. Lay her down and put my hand on her tummy and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

She was livid. Really really cross. I sang for 2 hours (!) and she eventually went to sleep. I had to commit to NOT feeding her to sleep even when I was knackered, so after that she always went into her cot awake.

She went from waking every half hour throughout the night to sleeping 12 hours (over a period of 2 months I'd say). We still have our ups and downs but now DH can get her to sleep rather than just me.

So yes she did cry but we didn't leave her to cry on her own - we were in it with her, IYSWIM, and we weren't cross but patient and soothing. For me, I felt I had no choice. Everything else had failed and she basically wanted to stay attached to my boobs feeding all night - so neither her nor me were getting enough sleep. I can honestly say I was on the verge of a breakdown, my marriage was on the rocks and my DS was also suffering. And I wasn't doing her any favours letting her feed all night either - she cried all day every day as she was so tired. She is now a changed baby: happy, constantly smiles, giggles all the time.

We have a cot that attaches to our bed so it made this approach easier to do.

Whatever you decide, try and go for that which suits you and your baby best. Rope in DH (it's annoying, but DD settles better for him than for me), be consistent, even when you are exhausted, and be prepared for it to take time. Good luck. It will get better.

Oh and a bit like newport, the first night with DD I thought oh god she's never going to go to sleep, and then she just turned her head to one side and was out cold. She can go from raging like a lunatic to flat out asleep in less than a second - and knowing that helped me stick it out (still does, when she's having a 'I don't want to go to bed' night).

Sort of like 'AARGH MUMMY I HATE YOOOOOOUUUU...zzzzzzzzzzzzz'.

Your post has brought tears to my eyes, cos my DS (9m) was like that too. I tried CC a few months ago and it was as traumatic as you described. Through sheer desperation, I tried it again this week and he settled amazingly quickly, like in 10 mins.
This makes me think that there is certain time when they are ready to go to sleep on their own, and CC will work.
How you know when that time is, I can help with, I'm afraid.

can't help you with [hblush]

His reaction sounds like he's not ready for sleep training TBH. DS (now 2.1) had periods during which you could leave the room and he'd self settle for bedtime. Other times, no way.

I'd ditch harsher sleep training for naps for now - naps are more important than how they get one. With DS I kept putting him down asleep in his cot then gradually moved towards more and more awake. If he woke, I'd rock back to sleep and let him nap on me and try again next time. Took a couple of months but it's a lot easier now (I stay with him for a few mins and he's asleep).

Have a look at his daytime routine - don't wait for sleep cues as can be hit and miss at this older age. Try putting him down for naps at the same time every day - probably 2 at this age, one at 9ish and one at 12/1ish (post lunch).

Bedtime - check for wind (this used to cause trouble even though DS was BF). Check his mouth to see if teething. Also he might settle better on his side or front. Make sure he is nice and warm (try a sleepbag) and give a big cuddle etc until almost asleep. Keep trying to put him down less sleepy and keep a hand on him patting etc and don't say much just shhhh or night night. Try stepping back from the cot and pottering so he knows you're there (not all to be tried in one night, just until he gets used to the bedtime routine).

I too had a DS who I thought would never sleep through and never nap without major help but refused to used CC etc. I read a lot of sleep books but they helped me understand the sort of sleep DS needs as opposed to methods to train him. We took the long approach which seems to be paying off. At 2, DS still needs a bit of help at bedtime but he sleeps through so I am not complaining!

Some great ideas, thank you all. I think he's not ready. Will try early next year, we have visitors coming from mid nov and staying til mid fen so he can't have his own room til 14 months anyway.

Feb, even.

I think you sometimes need to reach end of your capacity for tiredness to have the resolve needed to fix this. We were so tired that we had no choice but to work it out and I think dd sensed that. Either that or she happened to reach the age it gets better (7 months for us) at the same time we reached end of tether.

Odds are he will grow out of it and it will be much less stressful if you go with the flow and wait it out, as hard as that is. DD did the same, I waited it out, and she was 12-14 months before she was able to be put down awake.