One year old... gasp... STILL FEEDING IN THE NIGHT!!

[Katiekatiekatekate]

Am I bonkers?? Everyone I know firmly believes I am but I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it.

My one year old has usually 2 BFs between 7pm and 6am, sometimes as many as 3, very occasionally none at all and just sleeps through. More often than not he ends up in our bed because he hasn't gone back to sleep after the feed and cries when I put him back down. I hate to hear him upset when he will be happy sleeping with us and I sort of think.. meh, what harm? We don't mind, I don't have to sleep all on my own so why should he?

Everyone I know thinks I'm crackers, that I'm spoiling him, not teaching him to sleep properly etc etc. A lot of us had babies around the same time and everyone else's have been sleeping 16 hours a night since they were 20 minutes old or something. They all think I'm a right plonker for letting him in our bed.

Normally I would be happy to stand up for what I think and, to an extent I still am because I can't help but feel it's hideous to ignore them (how do you know they're not thirsty/hot/got tummy ache etc??) - however I am utterly knackered! Any advice? Btw, my next door neighbour left her baby to cry for one hour and 45 minutes the other week. That is the kind of advice I am getting.... because apparently they just play you up if you let them. Is that really true or are they just little babies who might be scared and lonely so are perfectly entitled to have a cuddle??

God I've ranted on now, sorry....

I'll add that gecko and I co slept from birth. I feel that if her dad hadn't died she may have gone into get own bed at 2 and a half ish rather than three and a half ish but she did it in her own time. Once in her own bed the night feeds stopped. And from her 4 birthday ish she is definitely gradually self weaning.

Trinity that is lovely. You are stronger woman than I.

I'm no stronger than you. At times I was blind with exhaustion but it is how I feel
I want and need to do it

You are NOT an idiot. You are trying to do the best for your child.

How much is your DH prepared to help with getting your DS to sleep?

How important is it for you and your DH to sleep in the same bed?

DH is really prepared to help as much as necessary, but we always end up arguing in the middle of the night when we try to change things, with the result that we just go back to the status quo - all in our bed, DS on my boob or wriggling round or biting me all night.

It's not important for us to sleep in the same bed if there's something we could do to fix things.

I'm really impressed with all the people who've managed to carry on doing this for longer than I have already but I can't, I know that this isn't for me. I've been sitting at my desk all morning trying not to cry, which isn't a great look for work really.

Right, so either your DH needs to commit to doing nights until your DS works out that no milk is forthcoming or you could try him sleeping in another room while you and DS attempt to co-sleep more comfortably in the double bed.
Without your DH there you'll have more room and can shove move him gently to the edge of the bed (I'd put a bed rail up).

Your DS sounds quite fretful at night. Do you think he's picked up on the general night time anxiety going on? That's not to blame you, not at all, I'm just trying to think what might be making him not sleep peacefully.
He can't be getting enough sleep himself if he's wriggling and rooting half the night.

I co sleep and bf da who is 14 months. He regularly goes through patterns of great sleep then no sleep and it can be really hard. He can wake up around 10 times a night sometimes I think I've just learnt to cope.
We're going to get him his own bed around Xmas time so if it hasn't happened before then the night weaning will commence!

That should say ds

Thanks again for all the messages. LULU, I've bought the No Cry Sleep Solution (because that was the one of the two that the shop had and I wasn't waiting 3 weeks for the other one!!) so thank you for the recommendation. That's my lunchtime reading sorted out and fingers crossed for light at the end of the tunnel.

bonkers you are right that he is fretful at night. I totally take your point and have certainly thought before that it's not ideal to be hissing at each other while trying to calm him down... not really very calming I wouldn't think. The only thing I can say is that he is exactly the same on the nights when we're both chilled out about it (which have been more frequent than I made it sound yesterday!) so I'm not sure.

I'm a little less hysterical today as last night was slightly better. DH managed to give him some water and calm him down for most of the night so I actually had a half decent sleep and, with the benefit of 5 whole hours sleep, I think I was beginning to lose my mind a bit yesterday!! Clearly we need to decide what to do and do it.... why do the smallest things seem so completely insurmountable after a run of particularly bad nights?!

Are you feeding him to sleep? My DD is much younger (6mo) but we've just started trying to reduce night wakings and having to feed to resettle. I think learning to fall asleep in the cot herself has really helped. 9 times out of 10 when it's not "time for a feed" I can now resettle her just sitting by her side with less than 10mins crying. I still feed her once or twice a night but a few weeks ago it was 3 times and crying for up to an hour at least once on top of that.

Hope you find a solution!

Katie - I am in a similar position, dd2 is just 15 mths & ends up in our bed every night but even then doesn;t sleep happily, cries out, arches her back etc. I end up frequently bfeeding her to sleep. I know I have created this situation but don;t know how to improve it, have a dd1 who is 6 & needs her sleep. My partner is useless, he does try but hasn't the patience to try & do any routine with her & obv while I'm always there she will like milk. We are all knackered & constantly snapping at each other.

Well we were the same but followes jay Gordon and night weaned at 22months.wish I had done it sooner as frankly it had clearly become a habit and he now sleeps till 6am when I feed him back to sleep till 8am.
I was feeling so tired and feel a lot better for it.

hi, my ds3 is 16 months and has been waking every 1-2hrs at night since 4 months. DH and I have had lots of arguments about it!

we are in the second night of trying to night wean, but i really hope he will still continue to bf in the day. my ds2 slept through the night by 15 months and bf until nearly 3yrs (when DH insisted I stop but that's another story!)

I sent DH in when he first woke last night at 9pm and he cuddled him and he did cry but wasn't alone and does love daddy. he slept after 1 hr, and slept for 4 hours - amazing for him. so he didn't bf for 7 hours, 7pm to 2am. i then bf and co-slept as normal. i sleep in a bed in ds's room but am fed up and want to return to my lovely bed with DH.

I decided it was worth a try as occasionally he has slept 7-11pm. He wouldn't have been ready a few weeks ago though.

tonight he woke at 9pm again, but cried for 30mins with DH. my target is to try not to bf him before midnight. he has been having so many feeds overnight i don't think i can just stop them all at once, he'd be thirsty/hungry as well as missing the comfort. if/when we achieve the midnight thing i will try to extend it slowly.

good luck! google the jay gordon method as well as reading NCSS.

Katie, I am suspicious you may be my MN doppelgänger.

My DS is 13 months and has never slept more than 3 hours since birth. He breastfeeds anywhere between 4 times between 7:30pm and 6:45am and well, just sucking on a nipple for hours at a time.

He refuses a bottle totally and I work full-time so he has milk only at night (will drink water but not keen on milk in cup). He is happy with no feeds during the day but won't sleep unless he is on the move as a result.

I am a zombie. I feel ill all the time and want to cry. I have stopped telling work that I breastfeed at night now because everyone thinks it's crazy that I'm awake so much and doing my job too (which is high pressured and requires me to appear to think etc). No-one understands that it still seems so important to my son. Actually, most women I have met in my workplace who also work full-time didn't breastfeed or gave up before returning. So I feel quite alone in that respect.

Some people in RL also treat me like an idiot for still feeding DS so much. Even some friends tell me to get tough with him. (DH says this every so often until he has to deal with the heartbroken screams, at which point he says "you have breasts, let's use them").

And to be honest, I would like it to be just a couple of times I feed per night rather than feeding him non-stop. But I don't know how. And this child does not cry for "10 mins" or even "45 mins". He screams for 3.5hrs till his throat is raw, then sits up sobbing until I come home whenever I go out. And this is with constant cuddles and singing from his dad.

I have read every book on the topic but no luck so far. Katie, you are not alone. I am so so so tired it hurts. But as I work full-time, I can't give up my weekend to sleep as I miss my DS so much in the week and I just want to spend time with him. I too am hoping someone will just offer me a miracle solution.

Um, anyone?

Dd is 13 mo and still wakes at least once for bf. She sleeps in a cot now, and comes in with us sometime between 2 and 5am when she wakes and won't resettle.

If she hasn't self nightweaned by about 18 mo then we'll work on it as I'm pregnant and wpuld like to increase my chances of a full night's sleep before the next appears!

:( RubyRoo. I feel your pain. My dd still doesn't sleep through at 20 months. I started a thread about it this morning because I've got to get a grip on it. I'm not bfing anymore... as someone further up the thread said when night feeds were dropped my milk supply dwindled so much it just frustrated her, but at 12 months she was still having 2-3 feeds at night. None of them were to do with nutrition and all were to do with comfort. She's never slept well, didn't once go through the night until she was 13 months old. I have no idea why but one day she started sleeping through. She spent the next few months sleeping through about 3-4 times a week. Now she's back to waking every night and will not settle until I give her milk (in a bottle now) and co sleep.

In my exhaustion I'd been going along with it because it seemed like the easiest thing to do and the quickest way to get back to sleep but my mum ever so gently pointed out to me yesterday that dd was getting reliant on a bottle and co sleeping to get back to sleep. I'm started a really slow withdrawal. Last night I went in when she started yelling but I didn't speak to her or say a word. I didn't get any milk when she asked for it, I just lay down on the bed next to her with my back to her. She was whingey and whimpery for about 90 mins (!) but eventually settled.

I can't bear to leave her screaming in hysterics but likewise I've got to tackle this night waking. We need to have a hand holding thread for those trying to gently withdraw from their dcs at nighttime!

headfairygood idea for the hand holding thread, I need someone to hold my hand when eventually I attempt that!

rubyroo - you do so well to hold down a full on job with all that broken sleep, I feel like a zombie most of the time & struggle to get a coherent sentance out most of the time!

I don;t tell people that I'm still bfeeding. Dd isn;t that interested in the daytime unless she's tired so people don;t see it so I keep it all a secret. I know what the reaction of most would be.

roundabout, don't feel you have to hide your bfing from anyone... it's a coping strategy that was working for you. We all do what we can to get through the day. it's when it becomes a problem that it has to be dealt with, but no one's going to blame you for doing what you can to get a decent night's sleep.

Thanks headfairy - im surrounded by anti bfeeding people though. My dd1 was very shy & clingy & a few people commented that my prolonged feeding had probably exacerbated this - I only fed til she was about 20 mths. I'ma bit cross with myself about it though as I knwo most of the time dd2 isn;t wanting to feed just a comfort suckle but if she had her way it would be the whole night long, I feel cruel withholding as she obviously likes the comfort but feel it is time for me & dp to get some time (& spacein the bed) together.