Night weaning our toddler begins now - tips for father-led soothing

[Mummagumma]

It's just got too much - co-sleeping DS (21 months) is now waking at least a dozen times a night, but often more (last night there were ten wake ups before even 1am...). He always has a breast to get back to sleep; not for big milk doses generally, but for comfort sucking. I am so drained, and I can't do it anymore.

So, DP is taking over the night. I am going to give DS his night time feed in a minute, and then it's over to daddy. Although we've read almost every sleep guru out there, and poured over sleep threads on all the parenting forums, we've got that 'walking into an exam room and forgetting everything you know' feeling now that it's crunch time.

Our strategy is that DP will play him the lullaby DS likes, then lie down with him and encourage him to sleep with shushing, stroking, and soothing murmuring. If DS stands up in his bag, DP will put him back down in his snail position and resume. Continue until sleep...

We're worried about what happens during the first wake-up if I don't appear with a breast. When he wakes at night, he can really yowl. Stroking and patting might not cut it.

Any tips on what DP could do to get DS soothed when he wakes for the umpteenth time would really help. What worked for you?

Sorry no advice as I'm in the same boat with ds2.
He's ebf and we co sleep and last night he woke 10 times. Problem I have is the idea of any crying at night incase he wakes ds1 (especially school nights) so I've been going with the flow and offering boob for a quick fix.
I don't see it changing anytime soon so I'll be watching to see how you get on!
Best of luck :)

Sorry should add ds2 is only 8 months

I would ditch the lullaby - keep it as boring as possible.

You need earplugs.

Your DH should pick him up and cuddle instead of laying him back down. Reason? He's waking for comfort and will be upset about not getting Boob. So cuddle cuddle cuddle and tell your DS that it's ok, that mummy milk (or whatever you call it), is sleeping. If he doesn't cuddle him it will make it even harder - as essentially he's losing a huge source of comfort.

I assume you've stopped co-sleeping?

I found it hard - I felt guilty. dh also found it hard because DS was very upset. But now I can deal with night wakings without using the Boob!

DP is going to sleeping in the same room as him tonight, but not in the bed. DS has a cot sidecared to the double bed. He is going to go to sleep in his cot, we hope, and then if need be DP can hold hands, spoon him or cuddle him while lying down (DS does not like being cuddled upright by DP - it's a belly thing, and they don't fit together comfortably). DP will sleep on the floor as far from DS as possible. I will be on the sofa.

We told him lots that tonight it'll be daddy with him, and mummy and Bah will be there in the morning. I feel a bit sick about it all. He's going to be frustrated and upset, but I try to remind myself that DP is there with him and it's not leaving him on his own. He has been wailing; it's heart rending.

BTW like you, Tamdin, this boobing situation got out of hand because I was so concerned about the noise. We're in one of three flats within what was a regular house, and the conversion was done without adequate sound proofing - you can hear almost everything (phone calls, light switches, vomiting!, telly). Breasts quieten DS down straight away.

Good luck. We didn't deliberately night wean - I was pregnant and couldn't stand the night feeds so DH took over. In some cases though I did go and feed - it didnt do any harm in the long run IMO. I did feel guilty though - especially in the mornings for some reason.

I hope it goes ok and doesn't take long!

DS was almost asleep when the lullaby ran out - now he is bawling and distraught. DP is doing his best; I feel so bad for them both as I know I could stop it with a breast, but I can't. I just heard DP saying over the monitor than DS is hysterical. This is awful.

:(

Has your DP got any water to give DS? that might help a bit. Also without wanting to guilt trip - are you sure he's not teething and everything is ok?

Also another option is to feed for one or two night waking but no others, then cut out the last two so it's more gradual.

Can u offer a drink of water ? Something to distract from his upset, keep cuddling him, he has got to give up at some point and you can be reassured that you haven't left him alone and crying.

Keep going if you can get through tonight it surely can't be as bad tomorrow

Good luck

I've just got back from giving DP the beaker. No, he's not teething, and went to the doctor's yesterday - he's in fine health. Happy as a lark all day: seldom tantrums, lively, happy, funny, affectionate.
It's all gone quiet now, just two mins after DP said "I'm giving up". Thank god. Poor little boy. Fingers crossed it'll last for a while.

Phew! Give your DP a big treat once this night is over. Perhaps sneak him some snacks to keep him going

I was a bad mummy I gave DD sugar free squash instead of mummy. 8 years later she still takes squash to bed, very bad mummy and she will not drink water.

Don't do it, a hug from daddy and a sippy cup of water, but nothing else.

It's been all quiet for 10 mins now - this is good! The protests lasted about 50 minutes (he generally sleeps 9 til 8, with a couple of hours nap). Here comes DP now...

How did the rest of your night go Mummagumma?

DS woke after the first 80 minutes, but DP went to him and he quietened down straight away and went back to sleep, and it appears he remained that way for the rest of the night - they are both still asleep now!
I have had 7.5 hours of undisturbed, blissful sleep; it's been over 18 months since I've had more than a couple in a row.
Oh, I think DS is waking now. I'm going to go see them.

what a result! well done :)

Okay, the result was not as great as all that: seems I was too deeply asleep to hear the wakings! Turns out DS woke about hourly from 1am onwards, but DP was always able to get him to sleep without too much stress.

Second night is beginning, so hopefully DS will find it easier to get to sleep, and stay that way, although 50 minutes of coaxing really wasn't too bad (easy for me to say as it was DP doing it, but YKWIM). We've been reminding him that it's him and Daddy again tonight, and that Mummy and her Bah will not be sleeping with them. One thing I don't quite understand is that we are replacing mummy and a boob with daddy and a cuddle, so how is this going to resolve the frequency of the wakings or remove his need for a parent to do something to get him back to sleep? Need to do some reading I think.

Well DS just started sleeping through (but did wake again for other reasons). Same when a friend night weaned - her baby was younger and it took them 7 nights.

We all do it differently don't we! What I did was over weeks, and we still co-slept through it. I cut the feeds down by counting - to 20 for a few weeks, then 15, then 10. There were tears, there was upset. Occasionally she was so upset I would feed her again. But gradually we got to the stage where she stopped waking. And that was with me still there all the time, so I think that replacing you and boob with daddy and cuddle will result in him sleeping through eventually. Nothing beats boob -if it's not boob it's not worth waking for!

I do feel for you, I remember the feeling that I have to sort this now even though they are so upset and it is so hard to hear them crying.

Our way was:

• I breastfed DS to sleep at 7:30ish.

• If he woke up between then and morning, DH went in and cuddled him and lay down with him. He was awake four hours on night one (screaming blue murder), three hours on night two, less on night three....until after only a week or so, he accepted when DH would comfort him in the night.

• After that, we then withdrew the bedtime feed too, making sure DS was absolutely knackered by that time and giving him a big cup of milk in the bath.

• DH then put him to bed. He asked a bit where his feeds had gone, but accepted "all gone". He was so tired that a bit of a cry and cuddle with DH wiped him out.

I then started putting DS to bed in the same way myself and he was fine - didn't ask for a breastfeed at all. (Until this point he would between 2-8 times per night.)

His sleeping also improved dramatically after I gave up. Now he occasionally sleeps through or wakes up once or twice just for a drink and cuddle.

Oh and he was never crying by himself - only ever while being cuddled, rocked or sung to. So although DH and I hated his cries, we knew he was upset and pissed off, not scared or lonely. Which sort of helped.

Oh sorry - this is a really old thread! No idea why it popped up now. Hopefully someone else is going through the same thing...

Thanks Rubyroo, very interesting!how old was ds when you night weaned him? I was hoping dd may self wean, but at 12mo she's feeding four times a night, not sure whether to wean her off boob now or see if she does it herself...the experiences on this thread seem to suggest it will be a traumatic experience :(

He was 16mo, Koala.

It wasn't really traumatic at all. Not when I consider that within a couple of weeks, he went from up to eight breastfeeds a night to none with no obvious upset beyond a couple of nights being very pissed off where he was cuddled by his dad all night.

The main success factors for me were:

1. He was old enough not to be hungry at night so I was pretty sure it was comfort, not starvation driving his feeding.

1. My DH was prepared to be sleep deprived and take the brunt of settling DS by himself for a few weeks (happy times for me ).

1. DS wasn't ill or teething - actually we went on holiday for some of it so he was having a great time.

1. DS was old enough to easily access a sippy cup (the type with a top) left in his bed in the corner to take a drink in the night if necessary so thirst didn't wake him up.