arrrggghhh! Toddler won't sleep without me.

[madgirl]

Hi mumsnetters- advice needed please! 2 ½ year old sleep gone to pot.
My ds has always been a decentish sleeper, he went through a funny phase when we moved him to a bed but then calmed down again- he has a sleep of around an hour at nursery during the day and then goes to bed between 7:30 and 8pm. He doesn?t go to settle that well at bed and always wants me to lie down with him. We have 2-4 curtain calls at bedtime usually and then he goes to sleep usually for around 4-6 hours, when he wakes and for the last month WILL NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP UNLESS I AM LYING NEXT TO HIM! Even if I stay with him until he is asleep and creep up his sixth sense wakes him up and tells him that I am not there anymore, and often he gets very upset. About a week ago I caved in and rather than spend hours at a time in ds?s bed with legs dangling off the end I let him crawl into mine and dh?s bed I KNOW- BAD MOVE!! So how do we break this habit and get ds to sleep peacefully in his own bed ALONE?
THANKS SO MUCH

much sympathy - know exactly what it's like. It's so hard when you are totally knackered not to try anything just to get some sleep but then of course, they've got you!

have you thought of/tried controlled crying?

yes in fact dh and i said to each other last night that we're going to have to do it. somehow controlled crying at this age is so much harder than when he was a baby, he can call me, beg me, run to me, cling to me..........i feel like bad mummy anyway (work full-time) and it breaks my heart to send him away BUT i know this can't go on.

Hi madgirl. I think if you really want to crack this you do have to be hard as nails! So decide if you really want to first I think. We had a similar thing when ds was 3 1/2, a bit older than your ds, and he was coming into our bed 10 or more times a night. I couldn't stand it. Anyway, what we did was tell him firmly it wasn't going to continue, from now, and then stuck to it by putting him back every time, without fail. It's boring and you might take a few nights or even weeks to crack it but you have to be consistent I think and it will work.

Someone said to me that they have to learn to get themselves back to sleep and I agree - if we don't teach them how to then they never will. (Well, I guess they will but much later and we'll have lost it by then!) I think it's Christopher Green in Toddler Taming (or might be Steve Biddulph) who says that adults who wake at night don't poke their partners and say Oi! How about getting me a drink? Anyway, my advice is tell him he has to get himself back to sleep, tell him you will come in x no of times but you will NOT lie down with him since he is capable of getting himself to sleep and tell him he is not to come into your bed or you will simply take him back. I do think he's probably old enough to understand this at 2.5 but you have to mean it and say it like you mean it too IMO! We used a star chart too but your ds may be a bit young for this. There were no rewards attached to our chart at 3 I don't think, just a star every time he slept alone and didn't wake us up. Good luck, it's horrible I know.

I meant tell him you will come in to him x times at bedtime, when you're putting him to bed btw, NOT in the middle of the night.

Be mean, I know it's hard but IMO it's bad enough having to share a bed with a snoring, farting DH (I do love him really!) without having a bony elbowed little munchkin there as well!.It might take a while but put him back, over and over again. No fuss, no screaming at him that it's the middle of the night etc etc and just keep on. Look, if he was a puppy, how many times would you have to put him down in his basket. Children learn, you are a wonderful mum, no going on about working mums and feeling guilty, you need your sleep! If the worst comes to the worst, and don't quote me on this, if he crawls into your bed and your dh/dp doesn't wake up, sneak out and climb into his bed or the sofa and sleep well. Look at it this way, when he's 18 you'll be wondering maybe where he is, who's he going around with and is he really sleeping over at his mates or is he with a GIRL!! Make the most of it, he's only little and while it is really annoying to share the bed, maybe sometimes let him in if it's maybe 5/6am and he'll go back to sleep with a cuddle. My oldest is 13 and he really has to need something (usually cash ) to have a munch with me. LOL

Madgirl, I can so relate to the problem you explained. My daughter is 2 years and 8 months. i breast fed her and she has ALWAYS slept with me. She is now in a bed, I thought it may help her sleep better, how wrong I was.
There is no consistency, sometimes she goes to be d fine, although I do have to sit next to her until she is asleep, if I wasn't there she would get so upset, and cry, scream and just keep trying to come downstairs. I leave the room and sometimes I will get to sleep in my own bed until about 12.30am or if I'm lucky 3-4am. She sometimes wakes up ready to play and she does anything from half an hour to 2 hours and other times (recently) she goes back when I get in her room, I actually hae adouble quilt folded on the floow next to her bed which I sleep on, purely because I get so exhausted sometimes I cannot even remember going in the room, I wonder how I got there. I spoke to my health visitor who suggested every time she got out of bed just put back and continue to do this it may take some time but you need to be strong and hard, just like wickedwaterwitch said. She then called me to say they now have a child psycologist available once amonth so I have agreed to see what he/she says. I will let you know and if it is all twaddle I will have to be the hard mum and do as the health visitor said.

madgirl, I am in the same boat. ds2 is 2yrs 8 months and ends up in our bed every night or me in with him. He came in with us at midnight last night. I went to the loo at 4:00am this morning and when i tried to get back into my bed he'd shifted over. I then went and slept in his empty bed. Lovely, musical beds in the middle of the night!

I know WWW is right but it is so hard to do when you are so tired and just want to sleep. Especially in the cold winter. Dh and I both know we have to put a stop to this but just don't have the strength at the moment and to be honest we have no pressing need to change things other than we know it shouldn't really continue

You however need to crack this before the new baby arrives so i guess you are going to have to be bad mummy for a few nights

gosh sorry to hear about this supersonic, you sound so deflated and totally knackered. I would be very interested to hear what the child psychologist says, so do post again please since i first posted we had awful setbacks at xmas, and then we managed to get him to stop physically coming into our room when he woke during the night. (lots and lots of taking him back to bed, time after time) then we tackled the going to sleep thing. we stopped his sleep completely during the day, and this made him more tired at nighttime. plus we tried the taking him back to bed bollocks time after time. finally touch wood touch wood we have him doing to sleep on his own. BUT we are still working on the waking during the night and calling out.............we need to solve this one before new baby arrives in 5 months time!!

Kayleigh hi, good to hear from you. Posts crossed. It is so hard when you know what it takes to get them to sleep , but you know (and i really know it!) that this is the thing which will end up causing you nightmares! (pun intended).

hi madgirl, wasn't paying attention to the dates on first postings so didn't realise it was months ago (Duh!). Glad things have improved somewhat. it's not easy though is it

I am going to have to bite the bullet on this one but i think I'll wait till spring !

misread the title and I thought it said 'toddler won't sleep with me' and thought - you lucky person! Dd went to bed at 10 last night (in our bed) and stayed there until we woke up this am.
now I must read the advice!

www - I have been known to poke dh in the night and say 'I need a drink....' - he is not very impressed at that though!

But hana, if you got to sleep, if is fantastic!!! If not, well, poor thing, you need help.

My son, 2years and nearly 5months is in a cot and he's staying there until I can not longer cram him into it, even by folding him up like origami!
I think you have to be consistent in taking him back to his bed, but that's easier said that done in the middle of the night. Poor you. Good luck

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