self settling - when and how?

[nello]

Hi all,

I have a little 6 week old and people have started muttering the 'self settling' words at me, asking me if she is managing it yet.

TBH i haven't even tried, I cuddle and breastfeed her to sleep, espcially as she has only just agreed to sleep in her basinet and not in my arms all night and still won't nap in the daytime at all unless it is on me or in her moving buggy.

But I was wondering when I should start thinking about helping her self-settle, and how to go about this.

Thanks :)

She's still very little and needs as many cuddles as you can give her. The people that are muttering about self settling should mind their own business imo.

There is certainly no harm at that age watching for her sleepy cues and trying to put her down in a place she's happy being to see if she can drift off to sleep on her own. But don't worry about spoiling her with cuddles if she doesn't manage it. My DS was happier to self settle in a room where he knew we were close by initially. We had him in his carry cot in a corner of our lounge.

My DS started (by no means did he do it every time) self settling around that age, but i do think it's the exception rather than the rule. And my DS (5 months) is currently going through a horrendous phase of not being able to self settle at naps. It's a battle and he cries every time, when he has rarely done this before. So i guess what i'm saying is they all go through phases and will be thrown off track from time to time. If your LO is unable to self settle when you try it, then try again in a few days instead. And certainly don't worry about what other people think. You're her mum, you know her best. Just try to help her in the right direction.

I'd ignore this type of advice and go with your gut instinct. You may have a baby that self settles easily and you will probably notice and go with it. Or you might have a baby that doesn't and there is no point forcing it. At the moment you are just getting to know each other.

Maybe slowly try putting her down when she's almost asleep but not quite, just to test the waters. If she isn't too upset, then maybe continue doing that after feeds. But no, don't force anything yet, she's too tiny and just needs cuddles

My DD is almost 13 months old and still can't self settle, but it's not for lack of me trying! To be fair she has never been a good sleeper and we have only just within the last few months gotten her to sleep through the night with no wake ups (from 7:30 pm to 6 am). If she is teething or ill then sleeping through goes out the window, but provided all is well she will do this consistently.

I still have to rock her to sleep for naps and bedtime but it doesn't take as long now as it used to. I guess she will get there in her own time (at least that's what I'm telling myself!!)

Goodness! 6 weeks is incredibly early to be fretting about "self settling".

My DD is 22 mths and it is only in the last two months that I can pop her in bed after a story and songs, and leave the room while she drops off (and she sleeps through).

PS at 6 weeks I couldn't even put DD down without her screaming, let alone have her "self settle". She lived in the sling for the first 8 weeks.

Fwiw, ds2 was fed to sleep til about 15w or thereabouts. At that stage it was becoming too much of a bind, and we had no idea what to do if he didn't fall asleep feeding when it was bedtime. So I did sleep training then, and it was painless for us. I can go into detail as to what we did if you want info. He is 20.5 weeks now, and has only fed to sleep once or twice since 15w, and he can self settle at each sleep, sometimes completely on his own, sometimes after a PUPD or two.

vmcd, I'd like to hear how you managed the self settling please. Got a 17wo here who doesn't seem to get it!

My ds started self-settling from about 6 months, but not every time. Often I rub his back or pat his bottom for a while. I often still feed or cuddle him to sleep for daytime naps though as it's easier.

Well, the way I did it was deciding that I would never, ever feed him to sleep again, at least not until we'd got him to master falling asleep without it.
Once you start the new rules, do NOT give in - babies need consistency, and to give in is simply sending a confusing message to the baby.
I used the shush/pat method, and combined it with pick up/put down. The trick with us was recognising when he is tired. This is sometimes only 70 mins after he woke up!
SO as soon as he was tired, I'd take him to the bedroom, close the blinds, put his grobag on, and hug him UPRIGHT on my shoulder (if I cradled him he'd think he was about to be fed, so got more annoyed when that didn't happen). Slowly pat or rub his back while sssssshing past (not into) his ear. Sometimes I sing softly. Anything to relax him.
If he's crying, he will soon calm down and relax. When you feel his body relaxing, gently lay him down. I found it easiest to put him pn his side. Keep sssssshing and patting or rubbing if he's not still relaxed. Do NOT instantly pick him up if he starts crying - try to calm him with sssshing and patting. If he just gets more annoyed and/or upset, then lift him and start again. Sssh/pat on your shoulder, and lay him down again the SECOND he calms down and relaxes.
After doing this for a couple of days, I noticed that ds2 would need PUPD a few times until he started sucking his thumb. So now, I don't put him down at all till he's sucking his thumb on my shoulder, then he usually goes to sleep himself. He now sleeps on his side, rather than on his back, and seems happier doing this.
The main thing is to remember that if the baby is crying that it is out of frustration, which will stop quickly, when he understands the new rules. It is not the same as crying it out, as you are not abandoning him. He knows you're there to comfort him.
Don't rush to him if he starts fussing - let him try to relax himself. My ds sometimes starts crying, but by the time if walked up the 12 stairs, he's stopped and is dropping off!
So this is what we did 6 weeks ago. The first few days, I had to sssh/rub him till he dropped off, but after a few naps, that wasn't needed any more.
Let me know if I haven't explained anything properly, or if you have any questions about this :)

The problem we currently have is that he won't go to sleep in his pram!! Aaargh!

Thanks vmcd, really helpful. Can i ask how old your LO was when you started this? I don't plan on starting for a while, but it's good to have it in mind. What is meant by the shush/pat method..not sure if it is as obvious as it sounds, or something more? Thanks :)

Also, do you do the same for all naps, day and night? I currently have a big problem with naps during the day, with her only wanting to sleep on me, but night time is getting much better. thanks.

I'd ignore the comments you're getting OP. your baby is tiny.

i will confess that i don't believe in sleep training really, more of the mindset that they'll do it when they're ready, it's not a learned skill.

my DS went through a phase of self settling at about 12 weeks or so, he was just wide awake after feeds and went to sleep happily watching a mobile.

then after a few months he started falling asleep at the bedtime feed again.

i just carried on cuddling to sleep when necessary and trying out putting down awake now and again.

he is now 18mo and settles fine after a story in his cot as long as he is not ill or overtired. i have always fed him at night if required, often helps him back to sleep quicker. he sleeps through fine unless ill or teething. if he wakes at night he normally goes back to sleep himself too.

just wanted to give you the alternative perspective that they can just do it themselves over time. I've not trained him, let him cry or restricted feeds as i didn't fancy it. :)

It is such a relief to know that there are other 6 week olds that are still feeding to sleep, sometimes it seems like mine is the only one!

6 weeks old still feeding to sleep? Surely most 6 week olds feed to sleep - it's totally normal.

I did exactly as vmcd28 at 18 wks, it is out of the question for me to do CIO or CC, it took me a month to break the feed to sleep thing and have a self-settling, sleeping through the night baby who napped like a good'n. So all good now but a difficult process getting there.

To be honest if I were to go back to newborn days I would have been careful not to feed to sleep for all sleeps, daytime naps I would have tried to get baby happy in her cot and drifting off with a bit of shush pat or something, actually I did this very early on, because of my mums encouragement but then when she got a cold and had a growth spurt, without thinking I fed to sleep and I got her in the habit of feeding to sleep around 12 wks and then she became reliant on me to get to sleep and night wakings got worse and worse - when she stirred I think she did know how to go off again on her own...

vmcd thank you for explaining so clearly. I am doing something similar to what you describe instinctively, so its good to hear it can have the desired effect. I will persevere and try to put him down as soon as he relaxes as I think I'm letting him get too far into sleep before he gets into his cot.

Good luck with the pram naps!

Nello, I did this at 15 weeks.
I agree that 6 weeks is too early to force a baby to do proper training, but I totally agree with sedgie, who gave me advice (hello :) ) when I was sleep training - I'd try to experiment a little with putting him down awake to see if she's happy/able to settle herself, and try sssshing etc. Feeding to sleep became a big problem for us. I did it with all sleeps so that the message was consistent at all times, so he didn't get confused as to why some sleeps were different from others. Shush/pat is literally just that - slowly say sssssh past his ear while rhythmically patting or stroking baby's back. The pat should be quite firm, and at roughly the speed of a heartbeat.

Babiesneed, no probs!

Jaggy, not sure why you advised the op to ignore the advice given - that's really up to her!

The OP seemed a bit concerned at the mutters about self settling - it seems nuts to worry about it for a 6 week old.

I wasn't the only one suggesting to ignore it so didn't think I was going against the grain.

I admitted I am not into sleep training and just wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint if you don't want to worry about 'training' a wee baby.

Jaggy, I dont think I agree with sleep training a new baby either, but problems can be avoided at this stage, I wish that I had been more aware that if you feed your baby to sleep for every nap/night waking, they may in time become totally dependent on that to get to sleep, and this might not get better on its own and may continue well into the 2nd year and beyond if nothing is done about. OK so some babies grow out of that, but some dont. There is a case of this in my circle of friends, the parents wanted to just wait for baby to grow out of it and the consequence is that this 18 month old looks bleary eyed and wrecked all. the. time. not to mention mum

Babies HAVE to get their sleep 15 hours out of 24 or something, and if it doesn't happen and the months roll by then in my mind, sleep training becomes a bit of a necessity (I believe happened in our case) when it all might have been avoided in the first place.

If I had left my baby awake with the mobile on in her cot and left the room for things to take their own course, then well the whole neighborhood would have known about it, she did not know how to go to sleep without me full stop.

i fed to sleep until 15 weeks, then did what vmcd did. What helped us get out of feed to sleep was feeding as soon as she wakes so effectively sleep-feed-play-sleep rather than play-feed-sleep..

we did get outwitted by dd a couple of times though when she sneakily fell asleep on me while i mumsnetted :)

I found the No Cry Sleep Solution book quite useful for suggesting gentle things you could try from the beginning - things like varying the way your baby falls asleep. I fed to sleep at bedtime til about 5 months, but for daytime naps I'd sometimes rock him to sleep, sometimes pop him in the sling or take him out in the buggy etc. Then it wasn't too much of a shock to go from feeding to sleep to DP rocking him to sleep at around 5 months. I didn't really worry about self-settling til 6 months though.

Even now at 8 months ds has several ways to fall asleep, which is useful for some flexibility - so he can fall asleep in the sling/buggy while we're out, I can rock him to sleep or feed to sleep if it's easier. I didn't want to be stuck with one of these baby who will only fall asleep in their own cot, in a silent, pitch black room.

Jaggy I apologise and put my tail between my legs - I thought you were saying the op should ignore the advice we had given her in this thread. [blushes appropriately] Sorry :(

oh right. :) no worries!

i just thought muttering to someone with a 6 week old about self settling was a bit ott. i think i had enough to worry about at that point!