So confused..HV recommending CC but so reluctant

[Thingiebob]

Sorry long one!

I am so confused. My daughter is nearly 15 months and still wakes a few times a night. She has never slept through the night. Typically she will go to sleep in her cot, in her room then wake up anytime from 1am to 3am and cries for milk. I get up, bring her into our bed, she guzzles down the whole bottle then we all curl up and co-sleep. This seems to be the best way for us all to get some sleep. I realise that this probably isn't a long term solution.

Today I saw the health visitor for a yearly developement review. She was very professional and pleasant at first and everything seemed to be going well, until she asked me about sleep. She told me I should do CC. I have always felt v v uncomfortable about this so I told her words to this effect. She gave me a smile and said ok. Later on during the appt she brought it up again, and again... finally when I was leaving she told me she used to run a sleep clinic and that unless I 'take action' the situation will not change and I shouldn't expect my DD to grow out of it naturally.
She ended by saying that she has seen 3-4 year olds with the same problems because their parents just let it happen and that is what will happen to DD.

I felt a bit put out about this. On the long walk home I reflected on what had been said and am really confused. I want to do what is best for my daughter and I found myself thinking about cc. I feel so anxious about it as my heart completely doesn't want to do it but the HV made me feel, well, almost silly.

She told me off for giving her a bottle at bedtime as well which I KNOW is a bad idea and I do plan to wean her off it but don't really know where to start. DD uses cups during the day time but bottles at night. When I told the HV how I put her to sleep, with a bottle lying down on the bed with her giving her a cuddle, she shook her head and widened her eyes... I didn't dare tell her we co-sleep! Basically the HV said that it is all just habit and I need to break them.

I have gone away feeling really quite shit and concerned that I am doing everything wrong in terms of sleep for my daughter and that I have encouraged these bad sleep habits. To be perfectly honest we have had a year of sleep deprivation and I have watched every baby I know start to sleep through the night! I just thought she would gradually grow out of it but now I am wondering if her bad sleeping is really my fault and that I should have done something much much earlier. According to HV I should have stopped feeding her in the night at six months and started CC.

I don't really have that much of a question, I just feel a bit confused and don't know what to do for the best. I wondered if anyone else has similar experiences. Also, I don't want to start a bun fight here but I wondered if anyone could give me the pros and cons of CC or direct me to some up to date research.

TIA

Thingiebob, I don't have time to type much now (bedtime's nearly here) but just wanted to share a couple of things.

We did the same as you with our DD (milk, in bottles, and co-sleeping) until very recently. She's 2.7.

The "silver bullet" for us was stopping the bedtime and night milk feeds, after a year without a full nights' sleep. We offered DD milk in a cup at bedtime, but she refused it. After two nights of crying, bingo, she slept so much better we barely knew ourselves, and then she slept through. (Unfortunately she is now having some other issues, but...)

As for CC, we do this sometimes but not all of the time.

With both the stopping of the milk feeds and CC, the important thing is that YOU are ready and that you and your OH are united in what you are going to do. One of you can't be half-hearted about it or your DD will know and your hard work will be undone.

Pick a time when you are prepared to deal with the inevitable screaming/crying and also when you know you're going to have a decent run of a few weeks at home to get the new way of doing things established. Can you/your OH take some time off work to get it done, or maybe over Easter? We tackled our issues with our DD after Christmas, during the Christmas break, and it was perfect, knowing we could take turns to nap the next day if needed.

It is a vicious circle, because you are sleep deprived and can't make good decisions, so you tolerate the status quo, which makes it worse.

FWIW, my GP told me a year ago, when I went to him complaining of my exhaustion, to do CC with DD. It took a good six months for me to work up the energy/courage to do it. As I said, we don't do it all of the time, but we have got a lot tougher with DD since then.

I would advise, based on our experience, to try dropping the milk feeds first. Good luck!

P.S. The thing that made us resolve to tackle DD's sleep was me getting pregnant again. Until then, I was prepared to go with the flow, but once those early weeks of exhaustion hit me, I couldn't get up in the night with her anymore.

If you are ttc, or thinking of ttc any time soon, that is a great incentive to get this sorted!

I think the HV is right, I'm afraid. I only say this as I have just done CC with my LO after being really anti the whole idea, and the thing that has swung me the most was a) how easy it was once I had put my mind to it,
and b) how much happier my little boy is now that he is sleeping properly - you think you feel tired and cranky - imagine how your DD must feel trying to do all that developing on so little sleep.

Please have a look at the thread now about doing CC alone,,, its my story!

Habits are not that hard to break, and it is a habit that you are all in, so just dive in and have a go - you won;t know until you try - just be consistent. It;s not barbaric to let your child learn to self settle and for her to know where the boundaries are.

Op, there is no 'should' do CC. I have a 7.5 month old who wake at night and I would not do it, it's not for me. Your HV is just reciting from her book/training and they only seem to know about CC, not other options. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing, you sound like a lovely caring parent. It is your HV who is silly not you, for only recommending a single and controversial option! Shame on her for not have the professionalism to hold a proper, open discussion with you.

If you decide to do CC, good luck. Personally i would try something like the no cry sleep solution or baby whisperer first, but it's your decision as a parent, not your HV's who quite frankly sounds lazy and dogmatic.

So, wait a minute - you don't mind this set up? Yet you hv is telling you that you need to change it?

Makes no sense!

If you want to night wean, there are loads of gentle methods or of course cc, if you decide you want things to change. If cc isn't for you, the no cry sleep solution is good. And Dr Jay Gordon

As for sleeping through at 6 mths - bollocks. Some do, some don't. Sleeping through is imho a developmental stage. Of the many people I have been friends with over the last 5 yrs of pg/baby raising, LOADS haven't slept through till nearly 2, some older. O was lucky with dc1, not so much with dc2 who is up every 2 hrs at 10 mths, despite doing everything 'right' both times.

SOd the nosey hv and do what feels ok for you as a family.

Your HV is talking out of her arse.

I did CC with my DS at about the same age (very reluctantly). It was taking 45 min to get him into his cot at night, then every night I was spending at least an hour and a half up with him. So we were pretty desperate. CC worked very quickly and wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared (I wonder if its easier with babies over a year old, less reliant on milk and able to work out quicker what's going on?). It transformed him into a baby who went straight to sleep and slept through every night. Shame a few months later he's started waking up at 5am but that's another story...

Having said that, the thing with CC is to be completely consistent, otherwise it's not fair on the baby, they get confused and more upset. And you won't do that unless YOU (and your DH) think it's the right thing to do. Your HV shouldn't be trying to pressure you into anything like that. If you do want to change the situation, you might prefer to try a different way, e.g. you could try changing her bedtime routine, try putting her back in her cot when she wakes and you sleep on a mattress on the floor beside her as a transition, then try weaning her off the milk. Those ways might be more stressful in the long run, but it's not like there aren't alternatives to CC. Or stay as you are for the moment. It's not up to the HV to tell you what to do.

We had similar issues with our daughter at about 20 months. At DH's insistence, we did a limited CC with no more night feeds. The deal was we didn't leave her more than 5 mins crying, and it had to be a real cry, not a whingey cry (which she often does half asleep so going in to see her actually wakes her up).

It really did help, although we had a couple of pretty crappy nights. Now dd is 23 months, and usually only wakes if she has a nightmare. Those we are less successful in managing.

I suppose i am saying CC is not mandatory and there are less intense ways of doing it. I am personally adamantly opposed to very young children being left to cry and I never saw the benefits of leaving DD to cry for more than 5 mins as she got more and more hysterical. We waited until DD had some speech before we started sleep training.

We've been using a lot of the stuff talked about in the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. I'd recommend if you're anti cc and still want to get more sleep at night!

I recently started to put DS (9 months old) on his cot mattress on the floor by our bed (as a transition to the much hated cot!) and one night I didn't rush to give him milk when he woke up and after a minute or 2 he went back to sleep! This was a bit of a miracle for us.

I really believe that when the babe is ready, they will find their own way. Don't be pressured into CC by anybody!

Gosh have come back to all your thoughtful replies!

nethunsreject I'm not happy with the situation on a long term basis because I am constantly tired all the time and would dearly love DD to sleep through the night. At the moment co-sleeping is better than the alternative which is her constantly waking every couple of hours, but ideally I would like her to sleep in her cot through the night.

Thank you for your advice everyone. I think I just had my confidence knocked a bit by the HV plus I am the only mum in my circle of mum friends whose child doesn't sleep through and hasn't attempted CC.

I do have the Elizabeth Pantley book. It was down to her methods that DD is sleeping in a cot, in her own room for at least some of the night. I think perhaps I need to reread a few chapters!