No idea what to do

[neptunesdaughter]

Ok so that's it I'm at rock bottom. DD is 17 weeks old and EBF. She is an appalling sleeper, always has been, just wants to feed constantly and suck to sleep on me - won't take a dummy. In the past couple of weeks I had some success with rocking her when she woke at night but mostly I just feed as it can take an hour or more of rocking to get her to sleep again. The most she has ever slept in one go is 3 hours and this is rare, usually it's 1.5 or 2 hours. But the last three nights she has only done 45mins as a maximum. I've spent up to 2 hours each time feeding and rocking her to get her back and it's taken ages and been so tiring. Then just as I'm drifting off again she wakes up. I've had no sleep last night at all and only about 2 hours broken over the previous nights. I'm in tears because I'm so tired I have no idea what to do.

She's been up since 8am when I couldn't take trying to get her to sleep any more and hasn't slept! So that's 4 hours of being awake when she should have had a nap by now. She won't go for a nap, every time she falls asleep While feeding (which she wants to do every 30 minutes) and I try and put her down she is wide awake within 2 minutes. What on earth do I do? She just won't sleep - she's not crying or unhappy in particular I just don't get it. I'd take her out but I'm so exhausted I can't face waling I feel like I'm about to collapse.

My husband (does not deserve the D in front) is useless even when he is here but he's been away for three nights on a work trip. He won't help when he is here as he says he can't do anything.

I know that there is the 4 month regression but really she was so bad before I didn't think it could get worse. Does anyone have any idea why she won't sleep or what I can do as I've already screamed at her this morning and I'm scared if neither she nor I get sleep soon I don't know what I will do.

Hi reading this my first thought is to ask you if there is anyone you can call who can come over and look after baby while you get some sleep. After this you can make a plan for addressing the constant feeding, which I reckon will help address the sleeping. I just want to send you support at this moment and say hang in there - this will pass. Is she your first baby?

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! My 22 wk old DS is/was similar and, as you'll see from the other long threads on here (which I read but haven't yet posted on) we're certainly not alone.

The only advice I can give is that, with our DS, one night we simply stopped feeding or rocking him... I started off by shush patting him to sleep instead, but now (after a couple of weeks) I just hold him in his cot so he can't flail his arms about (we have a bedside cot so I can still lie in bed to do this!)

He cries - sometimes just a little bit, sometimes a LOT - but I just keep on holding and sooner or later he falls asleep. In fact, he actually falls asleep MORE quickly than when I used to rock him. And usually nowadays he doesn't cry for more than a couple of minutes (although occasionally it is much longer). Thankfully, when he falls asleep he's already lying in his cot so I don't wake him up by putting him down and usually he stays asleep. If not, I repeat the process.

He's still a rubbish sleeper, but I don't have to rock or feed him in the night any more, which means I can get back to sleep more quickly.

HTH

Thank you for your support. I've had a shower (she lets me do this while she sits in her bouchy chair)and feel a bit more human but still knackered. I've calmed down a bit too.

there isn't anyone who could help I'm afraid so I am on my own when my husband is away.

DD is so smiley and generally happy so I've no idea whhy she won't sleep - she doesn't even seem to want to go to sleep now. She did seem sleepy before and I got her off but she woke after 2 minutes in the cot. So we are coming up to 5 hours without sleep (any sleep longer than 5 minutes that is!).

AliKatt - thank you for your advice this is something I might try. When I put her in her cot (she is swaddled) I do have to hold her arms down and sometimes this oes help her stop thrashing about and help her sleep. Doesn't always work. How do you cope with your DS looking at you while you do this? It sounds strange but if DD opens her eyes then I just can't do it. It only works when she is nearly asleep anyway. How long does it take your DS to drop off?

I know that I'm not alone, but after three nights of hardly any sleep and now she won't even have a nap in the day I feel so doown I just don't know if I can take any more of it. It also doesn't help that all my friends with babies around the same age hardly eve have any problems, their babies might wake during the night perhaps once or twice in a 12 hour period!

I feel your pain. Just been sitting in with DD 17wo who is a terrible sleeper. If she is not crying now could you have a doze on the sofa next to her with her in the chair? Isn't there anyone who could look after her for an hour or so for you to nap? Could husband take her out for a drive in the car?

With regards to a future plan - who knows? I am struggling too but will tell you what I do/have done. At night I really didn't have the energy to keep picking her up so like AliKatt I just held her arms down (and the dummy in) while she cried. At first I also patted and shushed but don't need to do that so much now. She still wakes up a LOT but getting her back to sleep is easier and quicker, I also hang my hand over the crib next to the bed and stay lying down (sometimes waking up with a dead hand later on ).

The next thing we did was naps - two to three weeks of solid resolve. She goes in her cot, swaddled just at night, in the dark (important so she can't see me) and gets the same as at night.

Again, she still wakes up but she doesn't come out for 2 hours. I do this once a day around 12ish. She is now MUCH better at napping in the morning in her chair, and the last nap is wherever so that I can get out of the house!!!

Get yourself a little plan and STICK TO IT, come hell or high water. It won't be a miracle but it will help a little. When she does finally start to sleep at midday (and she will, I promise) go to sleep yourself.

Good luck, and don't feel alone!
x

Hello, my 18 week old ebf Ds is pretty much exactly how you describe your dd - awful sleeper!

I'm not up for doing any sleep training till he's a bit bigger, surviving at the moment by:

Co-sleeping
Going to sleep as soon as he does
White noise cd on repeat all night
Whatever it takes for daytime naps (in arms or in the sling outside)
Regular moaning on mn
Realising that some babies are just AWFUL sleepers and it's not my fault

Sorry for short post I'm wrestling my Ds. You have my sympathy!

Poor you. I know how you feel. My DS has been waking up loads since he was 15wks (now 24wks).

When he gets back, I think you need to insist that your (D)H help out. You cannot be expected to function on so little sleep. I tried to handle most of the nighttime stuff for the first few months, but once he started waking every 1-2 hours I had to get DH to pick up some of the slack. It is not true that he can't do anything - he can take her and rock her back to sleep. Even if he just did it at weekends you would get a break.

After several weeks of me feeding hourly/two-hourly we've started doing what AliKatt describes to settle DS. Yes, there is crying, but he cries when we rock him anyway. We have also agreed that if he wakes less than three hours since his last feed, we first try to settle him without feeding. DH is better at this than me - possibly because DS can smell my milk.

You must get some support or you will make yourself ill. I am close to total exhaustion and my DS isn't even waking as often as your DD. Sending you lots and lots of sympathy - I know all too well how desperate this can make you feel.

Would you consider co-sleeping until she's through the worst? Kept me sane when DS was tiny and i still do it occasionally when he's particularly unsettled.

what I did and still do (and please feel free to ignore)

Taught myself to feed lying down
Co-sleep including day time naps (i I'm knackered I'll sleep too, if not I'll mn, like now, but lie down so my boob is right there for her)
get a sling and go for a walk if she really won't sleep and you are getting wound up, fresh air will do you both good, and She,ll probably sleep in the sling.

Oh you poor thing. My DD was exactly as you describe and the only way I got through it was by sharing the load with DH. We slept in shifts. I think that you really, really have to insist he does his bit - and that means half the nights or every other night. This is totally fair. Even if he works full-time, because of course at the moment you are doing a 24 hour job with little respite at all. No matter that you're BF, he can do the settling/ rocking,while you get some sleep, as a previous poster said.

Is it possible there is a physical cause? Has she been checked by a GP for the obvious things like ear infection etc? Or less obvious things like silent reflux? Unlikely to be as you say she's always been this way but always worth ruling out.

Allergies to cow's milk protein can cause sleep problems. You could experiment for a week by cutting out dairy in your diet. If there were any other symptoms like excessive vomiting or eczema, you might suspect this may be a factor. I know some people don't believe in CMP intolerance, and cutting out food groups is not to be undertaken lightly, but surely anything is worth a try.

How is her weight gain? Is she putting on weight OK? I wonder if there might be something going on with feeding that means she is not able to effectively transfer milk and therefore she is having to spend huge amounts of time at the breast. That said, some babies (and my DD was one) just couldn't fall asleep without a breast in her mouth. And repeat every sleep cycle. In the end me and my body had had enough and we also did what alikatt describes, although DD was older at about 7 months.

I really hope you get some support. I have two little ones of my own, the yougnest of whom is a total sleep nightmare. I really feel your pain.

If she's your first, if she'll feed to sleep - then feed her to sleep and let her sleep on you.

If trying to put her down wakes her up (which it does, for a lot of babies) then don't put her down. She'll be getting overtired and then this makes them find it even harder to sleep. Coupled with the fact that you're probably beyond frustration and into complete blind fury (if you're anything like me when I'm tired) and you probably don't have much patience left, I'd definitely forget putting her down.

I know that sounds ridiculous because you can't live like that forever BUT it's not forever, it's for a few weeks. And getting these babies to sleep more helps them to sleep more.

So, abandon all hope of doing anything else while she sleeps. Line up the remote, a drink, smartphone, DVD, magazine, book, whatever. Sit down. Feed. Stay sitting down. She will get better at this and she will start to sleep more at night.

PS I speak as mum to a 24 week old who, until a month ago, had to be held for every nap. Now she goes down in her cot after 2-3 minutes of rocking. IT WILL GET BETTER!

I haven't been in your shoes, but I have read a great book called The No Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley, which seemed like it could work well for babies who are very boob-centric and rely on feeding to go to sleep (she had a baby like this, so is speaking/writing from experience).