My sleep rant - does anyone out there agree?!

[SarahCan]

Babies have an inbuilt need to be near their mother - this is due to nature and survival and has existed as long as humans have. The idea of moving our precious newborns into a separate room from the warmth and protection of the family bed is a Victorian concept along the lines of 'Children should be seen and not heard'. In my mind it is purely for the convenience of the parents and does not take into account the emotional needs of our rapidly developing infants. Given the choice of sleeping on my own or sleeping inbetween 2 warm parents who love me what would you choose? My son is now 2 and a half, he has been rubbish at sleeping in his designated cot since the beginning, our health visitors final recommendation was to let him scream and vomit his way through it via 'controlled' crying - this didn't seem right. All we seemed to be teaching him was, if you are on your own, need comfort and are crying out, no-one will come. The crying stops but his stress levels remain. Why do we need to practise 'tough love' on a creature that is under 12 months old and you are its main protector, surely 'unconditional love' will get the best overall results? I feel out of step with most other mothers, hence the rant - yes I wish my son would sleep all night in his own bed, I am sure he will when it is right for him not just convenient for me - rant over ;)

I know where you're coming from sarahcan. My 8 week old often sleeps with me, and will do for a while I imagine.
However, it's not always wrong to teach DC's to sleep in their own bed. My DD was about the same age as your DS when I decided enough was enough. I couldn't relax properly when she was in with us, especially if I'd had a drink . I did do CC but luckily she caught on quickly, and I don't think she suffered any lasting damage. She loves her own bed now and has adventures with all her soft toys in there.

I kind of agree. DS2 slept in our bed until he was about 14 months old. he went to sleep in his own cot but came in in the middle of the night.

However, it got to the point where he wasn't getting the rest he needed (and neither was I) and could get comfortable. At that point I had to try gradual withdrawal on him to get him to settle back to sleep.

He's now 2 and I've recently been having the same issue with him - I've let him into our bed at 5am only to have him spend the next 2 hours trying to lie on my head . It is not working out!

But I agree, tiny babies want comfort and closeness, and they don't necessarily need to be taught otherwise.

But it's horses for courses isn't it. I know some people who just couldn't sleep with their children in the bed, and so everyone was exhausted.

What works for some, doesn't work for others.

Ahhhh, but you see, my DD would not sleep in bed with us. It wasn't for want of trying on our part - she just found other human company far too stimulating and could not switch off. Even now she won't sleep with us unless she is very ill.

Well as far as ds2 goes, I agree.

But after the age of about 6 weeks, ds1 wouldn't sleep on or near us! I have no idea why, but he actually went off to sleep better on his own.

Ds2 is 9 mths and still requires a lot of 'parenting' to sleep.

TIny babies should definitely be near their parents, but after the first few weeks they are all different.

I agree though that on the whole the emphaisis on 'getting back to normal' is put above the needs of the infant and this is wrong. There is a balance.

I think the 'getting back to normal' was where I found the difficulty. It seems that the first thing that everyone asks is whether the baby is sleeping through yet as if this is some kind of measure of your skill as a parent(maybe my insecurity!). I also know that my parents think it is something I am doing wrong and as I said the doctor and health visitor both said controlled crying was the only way. All adds up to a lots of pressure when maybe I shouldn't have expected him to 'sleep like a baby' in the first place!! Our answer, when he turned 2yrsish, was a double mattress on the floor of his room so that I could try to get him to stay in his room and get some sleep myself - I seem to spend my time bed hopping through the night!! Since changing my attitude and changing the expectation things seem to have become a bit easier but still feeling exhausted most of the time especially when he decides that 4pm is morning and announces it by bouncing on our heads.......!

Nope, having a think more about this....I really don't think it's an either/ or thing - some kids and parents are happy to cosleep, others really aren't.

If it were me and my child was still not sleeping through at 2 and a half, and I was knackered as a result, I would take some sort of action. I think it's an unneccesarily inconvenient situation. It doesn't need to be controlled crying, but no-one benefits from fragmented sleep - child included. Children need to feel love, trust, warmth and protection but that doesn't mean we have to prostrate ourselves in front of them at all times.

Narmada, what sort of action would you take? I feel like I have tried everything but am open to any suggestions. He settles well in his own bed and then wakes pretty much every 3hrs which I think is a normal sleep cycle length and then needs to be comforted by me until he falls asleep again and then I can creep away. The easiest solution, he sleeps all night if in bed with us....

Let him sleep in bed with you if he sleeps all night and you don't mind - if it ain't broke, and all that .

Or, if you do want him to sleep in a bed on his own have you tried gradual withdrawal at bedtime and at every night waking?

I planned to co-sleep and for one reason or another it did not happen. I like the concept for all the reasons you outline. I don't agree with CC either. Does he sleep soundly in your bed, for I do feel it is important for little ones to get their sleep for health/developmental benefit. I have used PU/PD, we had crying because it is enforcing a change around how the LO goes to sleep that they don't understand, but they get the message quite quickly and there is no 'abandoning' involved.

He does seem to sleep soundly in bed with us - or at least, if he wakes is able to go back to sleep easily as we are close so doesn't wake us. Have tried gradual withdrawal but might start trying again maybe combined with a little bribery as he is getting old enough!

oh, yy, the sleeping-through-as-mark-of-parenting-achievement is pretty common. shame really as it is a developmental thing imo and ime. they all do it eventually - some as small babies, other when they are well into toddlerhood.

it is NORMAL for babies to wake at night for a whole host of reasons.

My dd has always slept in her own cot / bed but struggled to stay asleep without company for the whole night around 2 -2.5years old. This is what worked for us- dd would wake and cry, me or dh would go in to her room, calm her down, tuck her in, give her a kiss and ask her to close her eyes and stay in her bed, then say 'mummy/daddy will check on you in two minutes'. At first we left it about 30 seconds and slowly extended the time between checks (tho always said 2 minutes) and always went back if we had said we would. After weeks of night waking and me or dh catnapping and miserable beside her bed, I felt I needed to change something and started this off the cuff, it was a revolution. It worked a treat within a week (we've used the same strategy ever since when she wakes randomly) and there was no crying, it helped dd to feel confident that we were there for her, but might not be for all children. Worth a go?

I must admit it pisses me off when the first thing people ask is whether your baby is sleeping through, as if this is something you actually have a massive amount of control over. It is mainly luck. I am not bitter saying that, I have a decent night sleeper, but it is friggin luck, I know that, just as it is unlucky she is shocking during the day.

From our own experience, we are big fans of CC, but you need to start early.

Sarah, at 2 and a half, I think you have to take a step back and look at him as a whole, not just at night time.

When they are tiny babies, we are used to catering to their every whim, wanting them to feel secure, comforting them, but as they reach toddlerhood we start to teach them that they cannot have everything their own way.

They have to learn to share, they have to learn to eat properly, they have to learn to hold hands near roads etc and they spend their days trying to exert their will. As parents, we have to override this as we know what is best for them (most of the time).

The same goes for bedtime. He is not calling for you because he is frightened, or distressed, he wants to be with you, but he is now perfectly old enough to know that you are still there, in the next room, and that he is not abandoned.

I'm not telling you to CC or not, just saying maybe think about how you would respond to him during the day if he is doing something that you don't want him to.

I am about to start practicing what I preach - wish me luck.