I am at the end of my tether.
I am slightly hysterical.
Ds is nearly 3. He has NEVER been a good sleeper and we have gently and consistently worked on this. We now routinely get 5 hours in a row of sleep from him, which even just a couple of months ago was a hillarious pipe dream. We're getting there.
He is such a mummy's boy. He wants me to do absolutely everything for him. Anyone else offering to put on his shoes or pass him his drink results in terrible screeching tantrums. I tend to go with it - if he needs me to be there for him then pushing him away or forcing other people on him is not going to make him more secure.
His father (dh) tries, but it does wear him down to be so ear splitting rejected at every turn. He is a good guy, and I can't blame him for feeling a bit useless.
Then there's me exacerbating everything by always making excuses for ds. I baby him. I feel so defensive about him. Partly because I feel worried that other people won't automatically be enamoured of a screeching banshee who hates everyone in the world except me. Mostly because he has always suffered from such terrible eczema that I feel he simply doesn't need anything else to deal with. I know this doesn't actually do him any favours.
I also leap in and defend him if dh tries to take a hard line with him. Am cringing writing that and I know how dreadful it is, but I am being truthful and that's the truth. I want to work on it, but it is so deep within me that I'm not sure how to start.
So now we have moved to a new country. We know no one. Dh is working very long hours.
To say that ds is a a bit full on is an understatement. We have no friends. It's just me and him.
And now he has started climbing into my bed by about 11.00 at night and keeping me awake all night. He wriggles. He twiddles my nipples. He kicks me. He demands the iPad. He has a poo at about 3am. He wants a snack. He eventually sleeps but only if allowed to clamp my head to his chest in such a way as to make sleep completely impossible for me. If I creep out into another bed he wails around the house looking for me.
I worry about the effect on dd's sleep - she is dusturbed by all his night time adventures.
I worry about the effect on my marriage.
My poor little ds is always overtired.
I am frankly hysterical and about to snap. I cannot do him 24 hours a day. I need some time away from him, even if it is just sleeping time.
Would a baby gate on his bedroom door be a cruel way of dealing with an anxious child who needs his mum?