reaching the end of my tether

[ceebs05]

DD is 20 weeks old and since the start of the year has been waking ridiculously frequently - she went from waking once or twice in the night to feed to waking every hour or so. Initially she was wanting to feed every time but now I have established that she only needs to feed once at the most between 11 and 7. However the longest I have managed to get her to sleep without waking is 2-3 hours and she is very difficult to settle back to sleep, crying within minutes of being put in her cot. I am surviving on half hour bursts of sleep and getting increasingly frustrated.

The problem is (as a smug HV took great pleasure in pointing out) I have made things worse for myself by taking her in to bed with me when she was feeding frequently as I was able to get more sleep that way. DD clearly prefers sleeping with me so think this is why is so reluctant to stay in her cot. However i really want/need to stop this.

DH is only able to help out occasionally during nights due to his work but helps as much as he can - think we made some progress over the last few nights as he took her and kept trying to settle her when I was tempted to give up and co-sleep. However now DD has a nasty cold and couldn't sleep last night for her blocked nose so I ended up taking her in with me as she was getting upset and it felt cruel to deny her the comfort of being with mum when she wasn't feeling well. So have undermined all the good work we had done and feel totally useless.

Can't help feeling so upset and like I have done a terrible job when I hear about babies who sleep 7 till 7 in their own bed, especially when it seems like it's all my own fault. Sorry for essay - needed to offload this. Any hints and tips greatly appreciated.

You haven't done a terrible job. The HV is merely pointing out that once you get a baby into a nice habit (and that's all it is) then it's a bit of a wrench to change the habit to something else. You don't have to change the habit unless you want to, of course. The waking every hour thing some refer to as 'sleep regression' ... I also think that with some babies (bigger ones) there is an element of 'hunger' involved. In 2000 when my DS was born the weaning advice was to start at 16 weeks. I found that this nicely dovetailed with the point at which he woke every hour... so we only had a few bad nights rather than weeks on end to cope with. Can't recommend you wean at 20 weeks now, of course, or someone will be along to tell me it means certain death :)

Sadly, I think it's something you have to work through. If they have a cold then that's going to disrupt everything anyway. Try to get as much sleep as you can during the day (if possible) and the second you can start weaning... give it a go.

Thanks for the reply. I know there is no quick fix solution to this - I just feel stuck in a cycle of being determined that she will stay in her cot the whole night, getting to 3 or 4 in the morning trying to settle her there for the umpteenth time and feeling so tired and frustrated that I end up letting her sleep with me...then I beat myself up for failing. I know that every time I give in I undo the hard work it has taken to get the very occasional night where she has slept better in her cot.

Re:weaning - I'm not opposed to starting before 6 months but I'm not sure she's ready. She is interested in food I think and is able to hold things and put them in her mouth but she is not sitting up unaided yet which seems to be the thing that is recommended to look for,

Hey OP. Really sorry for you. It's very tough isn't it.

Couple of things first up: You didn't make things worse for yourself by co-sleeping and you haven't failed by letting her co-sleep with you because she has a cold. If nothing else, its important that you manage to get at least some sleep, and if this is the best way to do it then so be it. There is never aa perfect line between dealing with a problem in the short-term and considering the long term consequences. Your HV can say what she likes, but the best person to make that judgement is you.

If DH is able to help out a bit in the nights then so much the better. It can help at the times when DC's tears etc are basically because she wants Mummy.

Re weaning. They should be sitting up straight if you are leaving them unattended to eat. Thing is, there are hundreds of things you could looke for to suggest that they're ready for solids, but I think you've mentioned the most important one: she is interested in food. Personally, I'd let her have a go - carefully supervised. Have always found its best to take the lead from the DC with food rather than waiting for a particular date or a particular behaviour. Obviously this is a very personal thing though.

To be honest, don't really know what to say that could be of any help practically. Its just bloody hard work when they're not sleeping. Just bear in mind that when you're tired and emotional you're probably far more prone to beating yourself up about perfectly reasonable decisions, the little voice saying 'you're a crap mum' in your head becomes deafening and you generally feel shit about yourself. Try to avoid letting that happen. You are the best mother that your DD could have.

When our DD was 20 weeks we were keeping similar hours to you. It got better, then it got worse again, then it got better, then it got worse etc. etc. We've realised that none of this is because we're crap parents. We simply have a beautiful daughter who isn't that great at going back to sleep when she wakes up. Ho hum.

Thanks deepheat - the bit about the little voice saying 'you're a crap mum' captures exactly how I am feeling.

I keep telling myself it will get better and in so many other ways dd is fantastic - but I have become obsessed with sleep and it is literally all I think about all day!

Maybe I will give her access to some food and see what she does with it.