Should DH do more?

7 replies

londonirish · 28/01/2011 08:26

Am pretty wrecked just now and am unsure if I'm being unreasonable with Dh.I know this has probably beeen done to death.

Am on mat leave with DD2 (DD1 is 2.9yrs & DD2 is 3mths). DH works full time and I have both girls at home with me. DH has never got up in the night with DDs (apart from post section with DD1 for the first week or so as I had a bit of difficulty lifting her).

My problem is that neither Dds are sleeping very well (truly expected from DD2!). Dd1 has been wakening and screaming for me and has great difficulty going back to sleep. So I've been setting her (3 times last night) and trying to get back to sleep before 3mth old wakes for BF (3/4 times last night). DH says that he hears none of this but I know he rouses but decides not to bother getting up, not even for our 2yr old. I was beginning to lose my rag last night with DD1 which I know is not fair on her (she has always been an amazing sleeper but something seems to be unsettling her at the minute).

Now, I'm like a zombie and DD1 keepings saying "Is Mummy happy?" and keeps trying to cheer me up-I feel guilty for shouting at her to stop crying for me last night.

I know I'm at home and not going out to work but I do everything in the house (shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry) as well as trying to do fun things and clubs for DD1 and obviously make sure DD2 is fed and happy!

So, am I expecting too much for DH to help at night or even ask if I'm alright? What do other mums do?

I would just like a bit of sleep or maybe a bit of help.

OP posts:

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 28/01/2011 08:30

your DH needs to take full responsibility for dd1 at the very least
if he is struggling to hear her, i would imagine a swift kick might rouse him

he can pull his finger out with the housework as well.

my dds are the similar ages. i am hallucinating through lack of sleep and would probably collapse were it not for dh being supportive and mucking in.

catwhiskers10 · 28/01/2011 09:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect some help.
I am a SAHM and do all the housework and get up in the night with DD (11 months) 9 times out of 10. I don't mind doing this because DH works long hours 6 days a week and I can have a bit of rest during the day when DD is napping. I don't imagine you have the chance for any rest though with a 2 year old to care for aswell so your DH should be helping out a bit more especially at night.
Have you asked him for help? Maybe he doesn't realise how hard it is for you caring for 2 DC and is just being thoughtless? If you've asked him for help and he's refusing to, that's a different matter.
Did he do much before you had the children?
Tell him how you feel and ask him to get up with your DC some nights to let you have a sleep, even one night a week let him take over completely at night. On his days off, tell him what needs done housework-wise or get him to take the DC out to let you get on with things and have a rest.
You need to get this sorted out now because what is going to happen when you go back to work?

kayah · 28/01/2011 09:07

Ask him to take over on Saturday and Sunday from say 5 am so you can catch up with your sleep.
That's what we ded and obviously that meant that not much wasdone at weekends until they both slept through the night, but such is price of parenthood.

FreudianSlippery · 28/01/2011 09:10

YANBU at all.

With dd1 it is probably 'just' that she's adjusting to no longer being an only. She needs special time with you, and that can only really happen if DH takes baby off your hands sometimes - obviously more difficult as you're BFing. But he could take her out in the car/pram to help her sleep?

I have a similar gap between mine. DH did (and still mostly does) all of DDs settling. With DS he'd always bring him to me in bed to feed.

He also looks after one of them while I have quality time with the other, and/or takes them both while I rest. He sees that the DCs are still his responsibility even though he's working FT.

MamaChris · 28/01/2011 09:15

I agree your dh should do more. but re your dd1's waking, ds went through a bit of this a few weeks after the dts were born (he was 2.9). I made more effort to spend time with him having my full attention in the day (often only for 5 minutes at a time). this coincided with his sleep getting better again. no idea if it's causal, but perhaps something your dh could do is take care of your dd2 for a short period before and after work so your dd1 can get to be the focus of your attention for a bit? sorry if you already do this.

Original poster

londonirish · 28/01/2011 11:09

Thank you for your replies!

I have told him how I feel on a few occasions and have asked for help. I guess my problem is that I just do most things around the house and want to appear that I am capable and coping!This is obviously not true sometimes..I will talk with him this evening but as he's going away for a stag do I will aim tomake changes next week.

As for spending sufficient time with DD1-I feel that I do but that it is often disrupted by the needs of DD2. So time spent alone with just her would definitately be a good idea. Plus I am getting cross with her because I am so tired- a vicious circle!

OP posts:

COCKadoodledooo · 28/01/2011 11:37

Dh worked away during the week when ds2 was born. ALthough he was working late nights/getting up early, he was at least getting 6 hours unbroken sleep a night. At the weekends I did a final feed for ds2 then decamped to the sofa bed for the night. That one night of unbroken sleep was enough to recharge me for the following week. Long(er) term that might be something that could work for you?

Maybe a week or so of him also getting up to settle dd1 in the night would help? I know my ds1's disturbed sleep phases didn't tend to last much longer than that.

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