Self settling-can I teach my 14 week old?

[NoTeaForMe]

My baby is 14 weeks old on Monday and can not settle herself to sleep at all, day or night. She has to be fed, rocked, sang to, shushed or pushed in her pram and she will fight sleep as much as possible, yawning as she cries to tell me she doesn't want to sleep!! Then I have to put her down SO carefully or she'll wake up and I'll need to start the process again! I know I shouldn't compare but all my ante-natal group seem to have babies that at least 75% of the time can be put down wide awake and send themselves off to sleep.

Is 14 weeks to young to be worrying about this? It would be so lovely if I could put her down to drift off to sleep!

Any advice?

I'm sorry, noteaforme - I obviously didn;t express myself well. I was trying to add my weight to your decision not to let her cry, because there are plenty of people who will tell you that you should, and it's easy to doubt yourself when lots of people are telling you that you should be doing something that goes against your instincts. I was trying to be supportive - really sorry it came out wrong!

Don't worry seeker that's one thing I don't doubt my instincts on at all. I really think it's cruel to leave a baby crying, I have a friend who did this and was telling me about leaving her baby for 20 minutes and it broke my heart, I absolutely won't be doing it!

Hopefully as my baby get's older she'll stop fighting sleep and remember how much she likes sleeping and all of this will be easier!! Ha! Fingers crossed!

No Cry Sleep Solution is Elizabeth Pantley

Anyone fancy giving me a summary of the no cry sleep solution? How to get her to self settle?

There's no single 'technique' with NCSS, more an approach. The book gives loads of ideas and you choose the ones you think might help and make them into a sleep plan.

Re self-settling, she describes a v gradual approach which definitely isn't a quick fix. Worth getting book from library as she describes it in detail, but essentially it's in 4 or 5 'phases' IIRC. You start by doing whatever you usually do to get them to sleep (rocking etc) until very nearly asleep but you stop and put them down just before they doze off completely. If they cry/won't settle, pick up and repeat. You do that for a week or two, then move to the next phase - drowsy but awake. Do that for a bit. Then you just keep putting them down more and more awake.

Really worth reading whole book as lots of good tips that will probably make this more effective. I plan to do it with DS (17wks) when he is out of jis 4month sleep regression. At the moment he is sometimes okay with phase one (put down almost asleep) but any more awake and he just fidgets and then goes mental. Might be a developmental thing - hoping he'll get the hang of it eventually.

PS would be willing to bet that the babies in your ante-natal group have dummies to send themselves off. The babies in my group that 'self-settle' have them (DS won't take one ).

NoTeaForMe - I've just pmed you with an email I got from Elizabeth Pantley the NCSS author. My DS is 16 weeks and we spend forever settling him usually by letting him suck my finger. I bought her book a few weeks ago and was really annoyed when I read that before 4 months she says babies fall asleep when they are tired and it more or less just says don't get them into bad habits at this age and look for the sleepy signs. As Count says the advice for post 4 months looks good but hard work. Anyway her email gives a bit of an idea of what the book is about so might help you decide if it's for you.

Or just rock/feed/cuddle to sleep!

seeker I do agree with you to a point BUT no-one can cuddle/rock/BF a baby to sleep forever....I am not a believer in leaving a baby to cry for hours but I do think that the earlier they learn how to self settle the better. If a baby is cuddled/rocked/fed to sleep for months on end then it's likely to be harder on the baby in the end when you reach a point of needing to break the cycle. I am sure some babies do magically just learn how to self settle with no effort on the part of their parents but unfortunately I think they are few and far between!

OP in answer to your qu about the lullaby light, music etc - you just take it with you when you go away. I will admit that at times I do wonder whether DS1 (6) who still loves his lullaby light is going to be taking it to university with him but I also know people who used it in just the early months and then phased it out.

Neither of my boys need the music to actually play whilst they fall asleep so they are not dependent on it as such (DS2 is often awake and babbling after the music has stopped, for example, and he can resettle in the night without the music playing; DS1 turns his on whilst he reads and then just drifts off to sleep and again can resettle without it). It is just used as a 'last thing before sleep time' part of the bedtime routine.

I only suggested it as it might fit in well with your desire to get your DD self settling but not leaving her to cry (which I agree with) - soft music is very soothing to young babies, and it's definitely something that's worth considering, even if you just use it in the early days and phase it out later.

Count thanks for the info. You're right my ante-natal group all have dummies whereas mine has refused point blank! Funny how before I had a baby I didn't want her to have a dummy and now I'd love her to have one! I don't really understand it as she's always been quite a 'sucky' baby!!

Judys thankyou SO much for the lovely, long, informative message, I've glanced through and will have a good read to see what I think. I really appreciate you taking the time to send that to me! Love that she says all babies just fall asleep when tired before 4 months hmmm!!

seeker as much as I love my baby surely you can see that to keep rocking/feeding/cuddling to sleep isn't always practical? Especially in the long run?

Dietcoke thanks for your advice, I have a white noise app on my iPhone which I have used occasionally to calm her down. Not the most pleasant of noises!! Ha!
Think I have a lullaby cd somewhere, I'll give it a go!

seeker, i agree with notea's assertion - it really isn't practical to always rock, feed, cuddle to sleep, especially if you have the kind of baby who also requires intense parental attention to keep them asleep once they have finally do give in, and/ or older children. I have a baby boy like this and as a result i often cannot go to the toilet even when i really need to, or tend to most of my elder daughter's basic needs, etc, because i am usually pacing him around in a quiet dark room for hours at a time!