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Sleep

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Original poster

Please help - dd4 terrified to sleep alone with dh in hospital, should I sleep in her room?

43 replies

MindySimmons · 13/01/2011 22:12

Been trying so hard to help her settle and want her to know there's nothing to be scared of but she gets hysterical when I leave. Had the odd night ok but generally its awful. She kept telling me it was things about her room (were having a few problems b4 he went in) so changed that, tried talking about it, gentle reassurance through to I'm afraid getting cross (please don't judge me, I'm exhausted). Dh seriously ill in hospital and tonight she told me she can't think of anything good when she goes to sleep and it broke my heart. She's as good as gold during the day and I've been trying to work this out so I didn't I traduce a long term sleep problem but I think she needs to know I'm not going to disappear too. What should I do?

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Original poster

MindySimmons · 14/01/2011 09:08

Morning everyone, well she was asleep when I wrote on her last night and think she wore herself out so much, she didn't get up until 8. Didn't wake at all so I left her be but she said this morning she wants daddy home then later asked if I was going to die like grandad. Her little bottom lip was trembling and we had lots of cuddles and explained grandad was very very old etc and talked about all he people we know who have been to hospital and come home.

So a bit confused today, don't want to build an association between her room and bing scared or am I over analysing and should just see how it is each night!

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ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 14:08

Keep talking to her today about Daddy getting better and what you are all going to do when he comes home, just reaffirming that he's only poorly and will be back soon. If you can, do things that remind her Grandad was old and not just poorly - without harping on about it.

Allow her to choose an extra book tonight or another teddy or something nice at bed time. Try to talk her through her worries and reassure her. You don't really want to start going to bed the same time as her do you? and actually understanding things (Daddy is unwell but will come home soon) is better than just being cuddled yet still worrying.

However, at the end of the day if you can't do this, then do whatever it takes to make her feel safe/loved/not scared and if that's staying up a bit late and going to bed together or just going to bed on her own in your bed then do it.

Try not to spend the day worrying about bed time though x

How is DH today?

What are you and DD going to do today? A massive running around session at the park will do you both good if you have the time.

hellymelly · 14/01/2011 22:08

Hope your DH is improving.Your daughter sounds very bright and sensitive,and she is clearly very worried about her Daddy.She needs the security of your presence and that is totally reasonable.I wouldn't worry that you'll be setting up a backward step,she just needs extra support right now.Probably nice for you too,to snuggle up with her at night,as you must be worried and upset.Wishing your DH a speedy recovery.

Original poster

MindySimmons · 15/01/2011 16:59

Thank you so much everyone, great to have this support. My in laws had here to stay last night to give me a night off. Planning her favourite meal (spicy stir fry!) and snuggle up with a film tonight.

Was going to try and stay with her in her room but might be more comfy in mine tbh. She slept 12hrs last night (because nanny snuggled up with her so that tells you a lot!) like I said, I was trying to avoid taking her out of her room but think I need to stop worrying about it so much. Dh still v poorly, was improving but infection markers still high and looks like he'll need a more invasive op tomorrow :-(

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ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 17:08

Spicey Stir Fry - the girl has taste :)

I hope she had a nice time at the PIL's - did you ask them if they planned on watching a DVD with her and check it wasn't Edward Scissorhands??

I would see how she is at bedtime - play it by ear really.

Poor DH - how long has he been in now? Are you happy that they have it all in hand or are you worrying about him? (beyond the worry of the op).

Original poster

MindySimmons · 15/01/2011 17:29

Lol - no the pil have been fully briefed! Lots of jigsaws, dressing up and baking so all good!

Not sure I would go as far as happy, in lots of ways they have been brilliant and our gp picked it up straight away ( which as he is on immnosuppressants is really good as his symptoms were atypical). His care is good and they are monitoring very closely however they are giving very little info (much less than I've experienced in the past with him and other relatives). That's one of the most stressful things and of course means I can't say anything to dd about when daddy will be home

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Original poster

MindySimmons · 15/01/2011 17:29

Of course I know it could they really don't know either!

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ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 18:16

It's very stressful isn't it.

I really would 'go with the flow' with DD and life in general at the moment - you have enough to worry about without that too.

Is the hospital far away? Do you have enough babysitters for DD for you to be able to go when you want to? Do they let her see him?

Original poster

MindySimmons · 15/01/2011 20:28

They did let her see him for the first couple of days (and luckily hospital is 10 mins away) but since they know he is very vulnerable now, she isn't allowed in which has been a big contributor to the sleep issue (slept fine on the nights we could visit)

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hellymelly · 15/01/2011 21:47

Hope that things are improving with your DH.

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 22:53

I wonder if you offer to pretty much 'scrub in' when you go if they would let her visit every few days? I understand they want to keep him as germ free as possible and that little people are known to spread their germs around liberally - but it's also important for her to see him if she possibly can. If she doesn't seem like she has any colds/flus etc and if you use the hand gel on her hands arms etc she shouldn't be much of a risk to anyone. At the very least could she go and wave through the glass (if there is any?)

PrettyCandles · 17/01/2011 14:09

Have you got some photos of your dh that you could copy and enlarge? Laminate some (or print lots of copies) and gve them to dd to play with. Let her do whatever she wants with them - whether that's taking them to bed with her, or into the bath with her, or even ripping them up.

If he doesn't look too frightening, and can smile for the camera, perhaps a photo of daddy in his hospital bed could help her understand that he is still where she last saw him. She could kiss him goodnight and good morning, and daddy would be kissing her, too.

Can you or the ILs play 'teddy bear hospital' with her? Give her something she can understand and fix on, that she can believe is happening to daddy, and therefore what is happening to daddy is less scary.

Glad your ILs have been able to give you a break, and that dd was happy with them. Remember to take care of yourself, too! You will be stronger for everyone if you allow yourself a little 'selfishness' from time to time.

HelenLG · 17/01/2011 17:44

Hope your DH is doing ok, I would second what everyone else has said and just give your DD as much comfort as possible.

Could you tell her about how you went into hospital to have her and it was a happy time for everyone?

TheVisitor · 17/01/2011 17:49

Awww, poor baby. Get her in your bed, she won't want to sleep with you forever. xxx

Original poster

MindySimmons · 17/01/2011 21:59

Hi everyone, sorry but I need your help again. So a couple of nights in my bed fine but now tonight complete meltdown because I won't go to bed at the same time!

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PrettyCandles · 18/01/2011 12:17

Not sure what to suggest, other than the usual of boring but soothing bedtime routine, and the promise of coming to give her a kiss in a few minutes. The 'few minutes' is genuine at first, but gradually extend and extend.

How is your dh, and how are you?

Original poster

MindySimmons · 18/01/2011 14:12

HI pretty candles, thank you so much for replying. DH still in hispital with no dates on when he might come home, stable but only a very slight improvement so getting rather frustrating for everyone, just want his pain to start to reduce and get him home ASAP.

Thanks for the advice, I think I know have a combination of worry and of pushing the boundaries and on reflection feel that I would have been better sticking to our same routine, rather than changing things with coming into my bed. As it turns out, last night, she ended up going in her room anyway (as I refused to go to bed at the same time, she decided she'd rather be back in her room!) Lots of cuddles and exactly as you've described. Found some good advice on gradual retreat too

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PrettyCandles · 18/01/2011 16:18

Good to hear that there's even slight improvement.

Routine is very reassuring to young children (well, to most people, really) and it can be a very fine ballancing act to know when and how to change routine.

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