Ok, definitive answer, baby down awake or asleep?

[Iwasthefourthwiseman]

DD2 is 11 weeks and will only sleep on me during the day, or occasionally the car seat. It seems from all the 'helpful' rl advice I am getting that I am just not doing the right thing, but what is the right thing?

Do I put her down awake but ready for a sleep and leave her to cry, or put her down when she has fed to sleep? Neither is working right now and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I'm also sick of feeling like it is my fault for holding her too much, when the alternative is to leave her to cry.

You have my sympathies it was at the 11-12 wk age that I hit the wall with my dds sleeping! What worked for us was putting her back into her moses basket where it was quiet and dark, I would sometimes feed her to nearly the point of sleep and then pop her into her little baby sleeping bag or swaddled her, lots of shushhing and patting as well if she was struggling. If it helps around this age babies go through a huge developmental leap and a huge amount of brain activity is kicking off which makes them more touchy and sensitive than usual. You might find it helps if in your mind you have set (ish) nap times. For us it was back to bed a couple of hours after getting up normally about 9am, again around lunchtime and roughly about 4pm. You might find a dummy helps him self soothe, in my mind sucking is one of the only ways young babies have to comfort themselves so a dummy makes sense. Good luck.

Hi bumper, you don't know me but I have lurked on your other long running thread ... tbh I started hating you when your dd started sleeping long stretches at night don't envy you the cluster feeding, but my 12 week old is waking every hour or so through the night and it's killing me. Feel your pain as also have toddler to cope with.
Anyway, my point ... what sling do you have? DS will only fall asleep in sling during day, we have (amongst others) a baby bjorn, with this you can undo it and transfer baby out whilst asleep, but still lying on part of sling. I can then put him in bouncy chair and he will sleep for 45 mins or so, still lying on part of sling so feels warm and I guess can still smell me.
Also, only started this today, so too early to say how successful it is, but white noise is looking promising. Put him awake into bouncy chair today, when he was clearly tired, next to laptop playing white noise, and he fell asleep! Seriously amazing result for us! Going to try it tonight as I am at the end o my tether, am so exhausted, am even contemplating putting him into his own room and letting him cry it out, which is very unlike me :(

Okay, I was having similar probs and am still to some extent. The advice I have been given, and have been following with some success is getting your baby to nap at the same time everyday, and it does not matter where this nap takes place - sling, car, bed, pram, on you etc etc and eventually their body clock will get used to this and make it easier for them to sleep in their bed/basket.

My DD (11 weeks) napped well in the pram or on me, but it drove me to distraction and frankly she was a crankbucket. She now naps at 9 (45 mins approx), 1130 (30 mins approx), 1 (2-2.5 hours) and 4.45 ish (30 - 45mins). We get up at 7.30 and she goes down about 7. I started doing this about 10 days ago and it really is starting to work and she takes some of these naps in her bed now. Which she NEVER did before. You have to be quite strict about timings, but there does seem to be something in it. I think she is probably napping better now as she isn't getting overtired which she clearly was before.

We are not there yet though, but I do feel we are making progress and at least I am working towards something.

Hope this is some help.

Other babies work best on the awake time being no more than 1.5 hours before having another nap.

The biological clock doesn't develop fully in many babies until around 10 months, so many won't get the hang of going to sleep at the same time each day until then (although obviously some develop it much earlier).

Mine seriously need to be going back to sleep as soon as they wake in the morning. DD might manage 1.5 hours later in the day. She's pretty much in a 2 hour cycle with 45 minutes asleep, 45 minutes awake and a half hour feed to the next sleep bridging the gap.

Yes, the first awake time is almost always the shortest. I remember now (thanks, stickersarecurrency) that DS could only manage 45 mins awake before needing his first nap of the day.

BUT HOW DO YOU GET THEM TO GO TO SLEEP????!!!!
(sorry for shouting)

She's still tiny and hasn't got used to the outside world properly yet. Just think that 11 weeks ago she was being cuddled, rocked and shushed by you 24 hours a day. No wonder she's finding it difficult now.

At that age, only the sling worked for me. Then from around 14 weeks, feeding to sleep started working, as did rocking with a dummy or pushchair with a dummy. We progressed to rocking without a dummy, then back to always feeding to sleep. That stopped working at 8 months and now (11 months) I rock him to sleep. The pushchair only works if it's sufficiently bumpy ground, and he stopped staying asleep in the sling from about 5/6 months.

It changes all the time (especially when they're as little as your DD so don't despair and keep trying things which haven't worked before, as they may well start working as she gets older.

(It's hideous though, isn't it? - and must be lots worse with a toddler too.)

I know what you are saying but other people seem to manage with babies this age, I just wonder what I'm not doing right. Other people seem to just be able to put their babies down for a sleep.

I'm just frustrated because I feel like I can't do anything when I am at home, even in the sling there is only so much I can do. With Christmas coming up I want to be baking and making stuff, but can't. I want some personal space too :(

Plus, it's not really fair on DD1.

Massive sympathy. It's nothing you're doing or not doing. It's how she is. I'm on my second like this, and I too wonder why I didn't get one of these dump-and-run babies. I bloody deserved it after surviving DS. I tell myself they're highly evolved for survival and if they were cavebabies they'd never be eaten by a passing sabre toothed tiger cos they'd always be close. :)

And re how to get them to go to sleep - any bloody way you can. Feeding in this house, for most sleeps, or the sling. Pushchair's an occasional winner but only if you don't stop moving!

I recognise so much of your frustration and a couple of days ago we were having a bad spell and I could have been posting the same but I'm trying so hard to be accepting and patient this time. DS is watching a lot of tv and I'm sitting on my arse a lot. Once christmas is over they'll be well into their 4th month and things will get easier. It's a short term inconvenience, I promise, although I know all too well how hard it is to really have faith in that.

All these books and routines just make me feel that if I just 'made the right moves' that she would do it. I guess the fact that there are so many of them just proves that there is no one answer.

The car is always fun, for the first 5 minutes or so while she is still unsettled and unhappy at being squished into her seat she cries literally as soon as the car stops. I find myself praying that I don't get stuck behind a bus and practically running red lights!

I swear I tried everything with DS. These babies are what they are and IMO there's no book to sort them because nobody's found a fix yet!

'I always breastfed to sleep and then put them down. Worked for me.'

have you read the thread? Clearly this is not working for me.

OP, you are right - there is no one answer, as not all approaches suit all babies, and not all of them suit all parents either! And what works at one age doesn't work at another age for the same baby.

It is hard not to compare with other people's babies, though, isn't it?

They do improve though. My DS was hideous at this age, but although he wakes more at night than I'd like, he naps really well nowadays.

How was your DD when she was this age? Can you remember?
I think that maybe you have to work out what your main priority is if that makes sense. What I mean is, I knew that I just wanted them to sleep through the night and be in a routine so I followed 'The Baby Whisperer' religiously! What really happened though is that I bought the book and spent the whole time nodding and thinking, yes I agree with that or I do that already. I bought Contented Little Baby but disagreed with a lot.
My good friend had a baby at the same time as me and her main priority was breastfeeding so was happy to get that really well established before even thinking about routine. (Her DS is 2 now and still doesn't have a fixed routine but she doesn't mind one bit - it would drive me nuts)

Do you know what I mean? I realise everybody has the main priority of loving and caring for their DC but we also all go about it in different ways.
I was with a friend today who was feeding her six month old and I felt a real pang that I didn't stick with breastfeeding for longer but then I checked myself - I wanted to be able to leave baby with other people, go out and have a drink etc. and I don't think that I would have ever felt comfortable breastfeeding during the nativity play! She is doing what works for her, I did it for me.

I know that at the moment you are struggling to find that thing that works for you but that's kind of what I mean by working out what your main priority is.

I'm not making any sense am I???

It really is a case of finding what works for you.

I would agree with what other have said about the length of time your DD is up. DS can only manage an hour and a half first thing in the morning.

What about settling without breastfeeding, have you tried white noise? Maybe popping her in her bouncer whilst she's awake but get close to that 1.5 hour point and doing the hoovering around her?

I suppose the only other thing would be to pick one thing and just try being consistant with it. There isn't a magical cure sadly.

Just frustrated as you made it sound so easy. I do the breast feed to sleep bit, wait for the deep sleep then when I move her she wakes either immediately or within five minutes. I've tried white noise, tried it today, but maybe I need to catch her with it before she gets worked up.

I will try reading her cues better then try putting her down awake with white noise. Then if that doesn't work I suppose I can pop her in the sling. Do you think it is better to put her down in her hammock in the day or in a chair in the living room with us (if you can just use your psychic powers to tell me what is best ). If we are at home I think I will swaddle her to feed to if she does fall asleep I can try and move her.

Can't remember with DD1, I've blanked it out I think . I think it was also less pressing when she did sleep on me, as I didn't have anything else to do. But I have DD1 so have to see to her, nursery run etc.

Although I can't give you anything from personal experience (only have one DD and was able to be a complete lazy arse let her sleep on me and watch DH do the domestics ), a good friend of mine has a DS that sounds a bit like your DD and a 2.5 year old DD.

What she has found works is to swaddle him firmly and feed, then once he is asleep/sleepy she puts him on the lounge against her pillow (that she sleeps on at night) and pops his dummy in. She found that he was better still being around the same noise as before, still sucking and being able to smell her.

I don't know if that would be of any help to you as I haven't tried it myself but get the feeling that you are looking for all suggestions available!