Very reluctantly considering cc for 15 month old - desperate.

[lecce]

We co-sleep and ds avails himself of the boob many times during the night and I am at breaking point. I work full-time and just cannot cope anymore with the disturbed nights.

He goes to bed at 7.30ish, I feed him to sleep and then place him in the cot next to our bed. This can take up to an hour, on average about 30-40mins. So I get downsatairs between 8-8.30. He is usually awake again within 2 hours, though very occasionally he has slept until 11 something. Whenever he wakes I feed him back to sleep and he stays in our bed. A few times I have tried to settle him without feeding but he has become enraged pretty quickly.

Throughout the night he is on and off the breast and from about 3 onwards he is on one side, cries out to swap sides, and on and on, so virtually impossible for me to sleep. On a weekend, at some point (I don't have a bedroom clock but sometimes look at my phone)probably about 6.30ish he will go into a deeper sleep and be ready to get up at about 8. On a weekday, he wakes when I have to get up at 6 and is then up for the day with dh (sahd).

I know I should have tried to tackle this earlier but I was happy with the co-sleeping and kept comparing him to ds1 who seemed to grow out of all this by himself by this age. My approach has always been to follow the baby's lead but he is showing no signs whatsoever of changing, though I know he will eventually, but I cannot cope anymore.

As well as the broken sleep, I struggle with not being able to rely on having 2-3 hours in the evening as I am a teacher and leave school at 4.30ish to see the dc and therefore need the evening for planning and marking. It is not unusual for me to get less than an hour for this and, obviously, no time whatsoever for relaxation.

Dh is supportive but he has ms so I really don't want to risk him getting over-tired in case it triggered an attack. He is sahd and,if he got ill, we would really struggle for childcare, as well as the fact that I obviously don't want him to get ill anyway.

3 times since ds's birth I have had a night away, all since he was one, and on these occasions dh has not fed him at night, though he has had to cuddle him a lot and not got much sleep, but he did not insist on milk and there was little crying as long as he was held. So he can do it and this makes me feel guilty as I am just trying to do the easiest thing to get him back to sleep, despite the fact that he doesn't actually need the milk. However, when I have tried this appraoch it does not work.

I am sorry this is so long but I feel at the end of my tether and just wanted to include anything that might be relevant. I don't want to do cc as it's really not my style (no offence to others) but I don't see what alternatve I have. I am struggling to enjoy the time I do have with my dc, which is fairly limited anyway, as I am just so tired.

Anyway, I suppose I am asking how to do cc, is there an alternative and would it be advisable to move ds2 into his brother's room or should I wait until he has improved at night?

Thank you for reading this far.

Hi there,sounds like you are pretty desperate.Unsurprising really especially if you're working.

I think if you don't think you can handle CC then give it a miss as you have to be very committed to it and there are tears involved.Having said that whatever method you choose there is bound to be some tears as your DS will be pissed off that he is not getting what he always has done so do bear that in mind.

Ok,so the main thing here is the feeding.Nutritionally he definitely doesn't 'need' milk at this age in the night.In fact most babies don't need milk in the night from six months old if they're getting enough in the day.

So,you need to decide to not feed him at all in the night after his bedtime feed.When DD had some sleep problems I read the Millpond Sleep Clinic book which was really interesting and explained about children's sleep patterns,they also had case studies which was useful.After I read it I decided to feed DD downstairs and then take her up for her bath so to disassociate feeding and sleeping.So she had to settle herself at bed and not drop off while feeding.

I think you need to find a method that you and your DH are happy to try and stick to it.I can't remember what the Babywhisperer uses for this age but her book 'Solves all your problems' goes into detail about her techniques.

I did CC with DD when she was 12 months,it was hard BUT the results were quick as she learnt that I was not going to feed her,so she gave up and was sleeping through after two nights,I was amazed but she was so much happier in the daytimes after a good nights sleep.

I know lots of people are against CC but it worked for us.

In the Millpond book they talk about 'gradual retreat' which is a more gentle method.

Some people talk about elizabeth Pantley's book but to be honest I found it wishy washy and there didn't seem to be any content!

I think it's good that you want to address this as you don't want a two year old with the same problems.
Good luck and keep posting.

Could you pretend to stay away for a few nights, sleeping on the sofa or spare room? Maybe a few nights of just being cuddled back to sleep by dh might be enough to break the feed to sleep habit. You could do it during a holiday to allow your dh to catch up on sleep during the day.

Agree that what you have is a nightweaning issue - are you prepared to nightwean? I dont think it needs to be by controlled crying its just a matter of soothing and holding (I wouldnt offer anything else either)- or you could do the thing where you time the feeds and cut them down by one or two minutes a go - if he's feeding that much for comfort it would be pretty harsh to go cold turkey.

I would really make sure that he's had loads of food the day before you start and then explain what will happen - ie only milk in the daytime and then be really consistant - it will be 2-3 awful nights of soothing and not much sleep but then you're not getting much as it is are you?

good luck.

Have you seen this?.

We're in exactly the same boat here with our 15 month old - I feel your pain. I started the Jay Gordon thing a couple of weeks ago and got through the first three nights relatively painlessly but my DS got ill and has been since so we're back to square one. Like you I'm toying with the idea of CC but not sure if I'd be able to go through with it. This seems like a bit of a nicer idea. I have a friend who tried it with her DD around the same age and she said it worked quite quickly for them.

Keep us posted on what you decide and good luck

Hi in a very similar position with my 10month old. Night time pattern is exactly as you describe. Desperate to tackle it before he turns one. Haven't had a night out since he was born. Am lying to people rather than admit why I can't leave the house after 7 but can't face controlled crying. Did it with dd who is now 4but neither of us can face the trauma this time. Will watch this thread with interest.z

countryhousehotel - ime it is easier before they turn one rather than after - think they just get more stubborn.

Thank you so much for all your replies. In one way I long to night-wean, on the other hand I know a part of me really doesn't want to, I suppose I see it as a way of reconnecting after being at work all day. I think that is partly why I am so reluctant to let dh take over at night for a while - he really does have ms and that is an issue; but he is always offering and says he feels fine at the moment and would let me know if he didn't feel up to it. He thinks I don't want to let go and I suppose he may be right.

I don't want to suddenly cut off the milk at night and doubt I'd have the presence of mind during the night to do something more controlled such as making him wait a few minutes, it would probably have to be all or nothing.

That linked article looks really interesting so am going to have a proper read of it in the next couple of days

This is so difficult and, in the nicest possible way, it's nice to know others are going through the same.

The positive side is ds2 is such a happy chap now after crying for the first 5 months of his life, so it doesn't seem to be leaving him short of sleep and I've gone from a size 12 to 8/6, which must be partly down to all the feeding!

Anyway, dh has taken the dc to mil's until tomorrow so I can get some work done. I have done that and now had some wine and about to go off to sleep and to mull over what to do next. Hope everyone else going through this gets some sleep soon!

Ok have just read that Jay Gordon article and really like the sound of it, really makes sense. I suppose in practice it won't be as simple as it sounds but I definetly want to give it a go. I know ds is going to be cross with me and show it by crying but I do like the fact that he won't be crying on his own.

Trianera, can I ask why you're not going to give it a go again after your dd recovers from her illness, was it really painful?

Now I just need to get the energy from somewhere to start it, suppose tonight would be as good a time as any as I got some proper sleep last night - still woke at 5.30 engorged and had to get up and pump though .

Lecce there is lots of advice out there on nightweaning a co-sleeper which appeals to me because although we don't want ds in our bed forever I am holding out for a more gentle approach to nightweaning and getting him to sleep through in his own bed. Like you part of me is reluctant to go the whole way with night weaning as i love the closeness and I love that ds is getting the milk which is so good for him although i'd love him to do less at night:)

I found a great couple of videos on the web recently comparing 2 families who were trying to "sleeptrain" their babies, one using Ferber and one using Sears method. The Ferber family gave up, the Sears family had some success in cutting out night feeds but carrying on with cosleeping so that the baby i think started to sleep for8 hour stretches in their bed. Will try to find those links.