desperate for help with 14 month old

[oncemoreintothebreach]

My DS has never been a good sleeper but now he is a living nightmare.

He goes to bed around 7pm, wakes at 11pm, 2am, 4am, 6am - then sometimes sleeps through til 7/8am. He can be awake from anything from 10 minutes to 4 hours.

He is fed back to sleep every time as I am too tired to sit with him/pat etc etc, all I can think about is going back to sleep.

I'm really struggling with everything in life. I cry constantly. My DH can't help due to work/studying. He won't take DS out on the weekend alone either. He says because DS is BF and misses me. I don't usually feed in the day, only when he's ill.

I'm stuck in our bad habits but the thought of losing more sleep is making me a bit twichy just thinking about it.

I hate my life. I just want a weekend's worth of sleep. I hate it so much.

Sounds like your DH needs to pull his weight more, work and study or not. You need to get some sleep so that you can think straight about helping DS with his sleep pattern.

My DH used to try and use the BF argument to avoid sole care of DD (now 20 months) when she was younger too. However, DD doesn't ask to BF when I'm not there and is perfectly happy during whole days while I'm at work without BFing so I didn't buy it.

I think lots of BF babies of 12months+ are like this - they'll ask for BM if you're there but won't miss it if you're not, especially if they're getting enough solid food. I'm glad I insisted on DH spending solo time with DD, partially for my own sake but also because they now have a really strong Dad/daughter relationship and lots of fun without me.

I doubt there's really any good reason why your DH can't take your DS to the park and a cafe alone for an afternoon at the weekend and let you get some sleep. He might even enjoy it.

Once you're rested and in a better frame of mind you can think about what to do next.

I would second what togarama says re your DH, i think you need to have a discussion about the amount of support you are getting from him. No-one can keep going for 24 hours and its clear from your post that you need a break.

I can totally understand how you feel, my ds was a horror at night till he was 20 months. i cobbled together a plan which took months to have any impact sort of along these lines ;

i stopped bf at night and replaced with bottles of milk thinking it was me he wanted not the feed, i was wrong he loved bottles and we continued with 2-3 bottles in night

gradually learnt not to offer a feed every time he woke,as he was old enough to understand me saying 'lie down, its nite nite time'

gradually watered down bottles and spent hours and hours by his cot telling him to lie down etc

he eventually got the message that although he could have a drink in the night ultimately he would remain in his cot.

sleep also improved when he started regularly sleeping for a two hour daytime nap and when he coul be put down in his cot and night and left to babble himself to sleep at night.

all this was only possible with the support of DH and although we went through some tough times we sort of stuck together.

hope this helps sorry for ramble its taken me an hour to type whilst trying to bf my 8 month dd to sleep ! shes even worse at night than her brother so i really sympathise, lack of sleep is a dreadful thing

I'll try and get DH on side, the problem is he is out of the house from 7am to 8pm and then needs to study at weekends. He's exhausted too.

I know DS doesn't need feeding so will try not feeding him, it's just he is a stubborn, persistant little thing and claws at himself and bangs his head. If he falls asleep without a feed he doesn't stay asleep.

I genuinely thought by this age he'd be doing 7 - 7 with one or two wakings. How naive.

Can you rig his cot so he can't hurt himself - with bumpers etc? possibly try sleep mittens? sounds like he's got some good strategies going to ensure he gets your undivided attention.

tbh I don't have a lot of experience with sleep difficulties but I read that getting DH onside to do controlled crying techniques (and do them inflexibly, which is really painful I hear :( but only in the short term) can solve this kind of thing.. But it will involve DH having a week of sleepless nights - needs a new face who can be a bit more intransigent. So you need a united front.

I stress that i have only READ this... Dr greene in Taming Toddlers I think it is. I rate him on everything else tho.

i sympathise with you my DH is exhausted again with DD, its a hellish situation for everyone, i naively thought the same thing with both ours that they would somehow get it and start to sleep through by themselves.

good luck

dd just woke up again for 4th time in 1 1/2 hours shes like the terminator, my sisters newborn sleeps better, the joys

"The problem is he is out of the house from 7am to 8pm and then needs to study at weekends."

Yes, but it sounds like you're on duty 24 hours. Your work and needs are just as important as your DH's. If you let yourself get to the point where you can't function at all then he will have to take on everything anyway. A few sacraficed afternoons aren't much by comparison.

At one point, I was working 10 hours a day in the office, commuting for a total of 3 hours a day (often with a BFing baby in tow)and completing an OU course. I also took care of DD through the night but we co-slept and she was no problem.

There's two reasons why I mention this. Firstly, you can combine work, study and childcare if you plan cleverly and work together. It isn't easy but it's possible. Secondly, DH expected and received lots of kudos from family and friends for everything he did around the house or for DD. I neither expected it nor received it.

Sometimes society seem to expect more from women, but value it less than from men, in terms of the effort they make and the hours they put in.