So what does actually happen?

[DesperateHousewife21]

If you do everything the books tell you not to?

I mean in the long term, my ds is 13 weeks old. I feed him to sleep last thing at night and only put him down when he is fully asleep, I feed him in the night when he wakes but doesnt cry. I pick him up everytime he cries no matter what he wants. I let him sleep on me during the day (although he is asleep on my bed after shhing to sleep!)

I understand he's still too young to really form bad habits, but what would REALLY happen if I just carried on doing this? Would he be a nightmare toddler/child?

Well, with DS (now 6.5 months), I pretty much did the things you mention - fed him to sleep, fed him whenever he woke in the night, let him sleep on me in the day (not always, but sometimes it was the only way to get him to rest).

Anyway, he's now 6.5 months old. He's slept in his own cot in his own room since he was about 7 weeks. Has gone to bed perfectly at 7pm since he was about 4 months old. Only woke once a night for food from about 2.5/3 months. Went onto bottles at about 4.5 months and is now happy to be cuddled after his bottle then put in his cot to sleep. Has managed to pretty much sleep through (with a dream feed) since about 5 months.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that despite doing lots of things when DS was a newborn that many people/books frown about, he has turned out just fine! He's a contented, smily little chap and is by far one of the most contented at his creche. When he was newborn, I just did whatever I felt like to get him/me through the day! So, my advice is to go with your insinct and ignore the books!

Blimey - I didn't mean to sound so smug! Rest assured, he's by no means perfect - we often have restless nights, screaming for attention, etc. But, the things you were worrying about are not an issue for us.

I honestly wouldn't worry about what the books say. Cross-culturally and historically, parenting practices vary enormously. Do what works best for your family. Parenting is a bit of a trial and error process; it's not something you can learn from a book.

So Ill carry on doing what Im doing and I wont have a nightmare toddler/child a few years down the line?

I find all the things Im doing the easiest way, but then they may not be the best in the long term way.

You'll be making a rod for your own back, doncha know ?

My favoured approach (and in my, admittedly limited experience, the one which appears to work), is responding to babies every need - limitless cuddles, comforting and feeding them whenever they want etc., in the hope they will become very secure individuals who are content enough to learn how to self settle and be independent in time.

You should try reading different books...

Try the 'attachment parenting' type of 'expert' advice book, they'll tell you that your child will be totally dysfunctional if you don't continue the way you are.

As I said, do what works for you and adapt your approach as and when necessary.

I keep arguing with myself over it all its driving me crazy!

Id like him to sleep more both during the day and at night but then I think there must be a reason he's waking at night, so I just feed him back to sleep.
He only wakes 2 or 3 times between 9ish-8ish.

I think you should give yourself a break and just do it the way that works for you.

DS2 wouldn't sleep anywhere but in my arms for about the first 3 months. After that point I could get him to sleep at bedtime on his own but he still wouldn't nap anywhere but my arms until he was about 7 months or so. He woke up 4 or 5 times a night until about 11 months, and for much of that time I could only get him back to sleep by feeding him to sleep/co-sleeping from the first waking.

He's 13 months now and sleeps all night, 7-7/naps in his cot between 1 and 3 times a day (depending on how tired he is). It's great, and I'd've loved him to sleep much better from earlier on (DS1 was a sleepyhead baby from the start).

It makes me feel better to know it doesnt cause lasting damage! Thanks :)

They turn out perfectly normal, healthy and happy? Agree with PPs who advised just figuring out yourself what will work for you and your baby. Some babies sleep more or less than others.

I'm cynical about parenting books in general and find many of them full of unproven theories, faulty evidence and over-reaching conclusions.

I'd also note that "parenting" is actually only one component of the internal and external influences that will mould your child's development and temperament. Other major influences include genes and the example you set through your own behaviour. I suspect that the way you act in front of your children will influence them more than what you try to get them to do.

My DD is now 19 months, still breastfeeds morning and evening (to sleep when she feels like it)and has always done most of her daytime sleeping in a sling / wrap while out and about. She's good-tempered, sleeps well, and is healthy. She has no problem getting to sleep either in bed with me or in her own little bed.

Both she and I are much happier than counterparts IRL who tried to do everything "by the book" or according to the norms of groups they belonged to.

Thats interesting togarama if you think about it, I expect by going with the flow as it were, you are creating a happier child perhaps?

I read an article which our cave men/women ancestors would pick their children up whenever they cried, breastfed til they were 5 and generally did what they thought was right and apparently their children led happier lives and were more caring and loving to their own
children. I wonder what parenting books told them to do this...

Totally agree with escapologist. What you are doing is called attachment parenting. Read dr sears and see what a good job you are doing! Well done!

Nothing wrong with close contact parenting at all - it's lovely!!

I did the same with my DD...

BUT...

She got so addicted to being attached to me (specifically, my breast) that sleep became a big issue and I couldn't get much kip like that, so I had to go down the less attached route and put DD down awake (cue some protesting) and then in her own cot and room (the latter two very painlessly, although I worried about it for a few nights).

She now sleeps better at night generally (although not perfectly) and so do I (ditto).

Naps are a pain, though - she will only sleep without being fed down (and attached to me) if she's in a moving pram.

HOWEVER...

Who's to say she wouldn't have been that way anyway??! I don't think I would do it differently if I had that time again.

As the others say, do what you feel is best and right for you and your baby.

"Who's to say she wouldn't have been that way anyway??!"

Yes, this is a good point.

My parents had 4 children and although they tried to bring us up in the same way we were all completely different in terms of sleeping patterns, eating preferences, toilet-training timing etc.. e.g. I was always happy to be put down in a cot awake and alone from around 6 months. One of my brothers needed to fall asleep on mum/dad's knee until he was school age.

My mum came to the conclusion that the way she parented didn't actually make a huge difference to the time a child did something like sleep through the night, stop needing nappies, wean from BF etc.. It did however make a big difference to the quality of parent/child relationship and maintaining a low-stress household.