Helping 8 wk old to self-settle?

[Sleeplesssister]

Any advice about how to help my DD to happily nap? She fights sleep and we are lucky if she naps for more than an hour a day (in 15 minute cat naps). The only way I can get her to nap is by about 30 minutes constant cuddling from me and even after that I can't put her down or she wakes up almost instantly. She has a dummy but tends to knock it out as she flails around.

Of course I don't mind cuddling her but its got to a stage where it is seriously getting me down and I get angry with her - I know its not her fault but my DH is not around a lot because of work, I don't have any close family support (6 hour drive away) and I am seriously sleep deprived.

I left her in her cot the other day for 30 minutes of screaming but she just got more and more angry. We've had this issue since she was born but no signs of improvement and I am getting desperate, she just seems so unhappy and is almost constantly crying except for first thing in the morning when she's had some sleep).

She's a bit better at night when I bf her until she drops off, but even then its a real struggle to transfer her from me to her cot - I have spent the last two nights trying to settle her for about 5 hours- same cycle, she falls asleep on me, I think she is 100% asleep (sometimes I wait for 20 mins to be sure) but she then wakes up almost 10 minutes later.

She has never been the sort of baby to just happily nap in her pram, car seat etc, and I'm at my wits end with her. I love her very much but its getting to the stage where its affecting our relationship because we are both so tired and I don't dare leave the house because she is bound to cry. Waited for more than 2 years to get pregnant but am now seriously unhappy despite having our long awaited DC...Please help, am getting desperate.

Have you tried carrying her in a sling? She might be able to nap that way, as she'll feel close to you, and you'll be able to get on with stuff.
I had the same issue as you at nights with my DS. Cosleeping solved it for us. If you're not comfortable going down the route of actually having her in your bed, have you considered a cosleeper crib (one that hooks onto the side of your bed)?
At her age, she just wants to be close to you. It can feel totally overwhelming and I really, really sympathise, but I promise it does get better. Just remember, no matter what anybody says, you won't spoil her if you pick her up when she cries. You won't spoil her if you carry her around all day in a sling. And she won't develop long term sleep issues if you don't teach her to self settle at such a tiny age.

Meant to add as well, I found life much easier when I ignored what people and books were saying I 'should' be doing and just did what made me and DS happy.

Also, does she stop crying if you hold her? Because if she does, getting a sling (like a mei tai or wrap, something that'll allow her to snuggle into you but leave your hands free) may really, really help, and will certainly enable you to feel more like going out.

Your DD sounds like my DS1 - at eight weeks he would only sleep on me, and if I put him in his cot he would wake immediately. It took till he was nearly two before I got him to fall asleep by himself in his cot, without anyone in his room, by using controlled crying.

I'm not saying to use controlled crying on your DD, as she's far too little, but one thing that did help with DS1 (as in to at least get him to fall asleep in his cot with someone lying on the bed next to him holding his hand) was cranial osteopathy. DH thinks it's all a load of mumbo-jumbo, but the gentle tweaking that the CO gave to DS1 did, I think, help him to feel less panicked at being out of my arms. So by the time he was six months old he was no longer using me as a mattress, I was able to sleep properly at night, and I had my arms freed up for other things.

Slings didn't work for us as my back just couldn't take the strain of a babybjorn, and I wasn't capable of working out the fabric origami of a wilkinet, but if you can find one that works for you, as WDBSS says, a sling might be a solution in the meantime.

Please don't despair, though. I know it feels ghastly right now, but this is only a phase. Your little one will soon learn to feel comfortable sleeping in her own space.

And don't let this situation stop you from going out. Going out in the pram when your DD has a full tummy, is well burped and tucked up cosily might prompt her to squall initially, but persevere - she'll get used to it, and you will benefit hugely from the fresh air and change of scene.

One more thing - have you tried using a dummy? I hate the things, but I really relied on dummies for DS1 (and DS2).

Thanks so much for the replies - I know that eventually there will be a light at the end of the tunnel but I was sort of expecting things to start getting a tiny bit easier now that we are approaching the 2 month mark, no sign so far. I've tried co-sleeping, and in fact last night it was the only way we both eventually managed to get 3 hours sleep (we both dozed off about 5am). Have got a Baby Bjorn carrier which I tried for the first time yesterday but she just seemed to scream when I put her in it, I shall keep trying. She does sometimes (but not always) stop when I pick her up, but we've had a number of days where it gets to the afternoon and I realise that I have not brushed my teeth or had anything to drink because I can't stand her crying when I put her down (she is currently wailing in her bouncy seat like the world is about to end...) so I can't carry on like that as my health is starting to suffer.

Have you tried swaddling her with a sheet, it makes them feel secure and stops the flailing arms and twitches as they fall asleep.

Thanks ttalloo, have been thinking about cranial osteopathy but my DH is dismissive like yours and against it, think I might just go ahead and do it in the hope that it will make her a more relaxed baby. Others in my ante-natal class have used it with other issues, but was not sure if you could use it for sleeping issues.

I am using a dummy (long story but she was admitted to Great Ormond Street for an op on her stomach - pyloric stenosis - when she was 5 weeks, and the dummy was the only way we got through it, we've certainly been through the mill with her) and so I use the dummy during the day to get her to nap (in my arms). I'll take your advice about getting some fresh air, I just get fed up with the looks I get from people as I push a screaming baby round the block, I know its stupid to care what others think though...

Hi Danthe4th, yes, swaddling helped to some extent initially - she was in a moses basket in our room until she was 6 weeks, but the strain of bf in bed whilst trying to keep her quiet so as not to wake DH got too much for me (and was giving me a sore back), we have now transferred her to a cotbed in her room (which is 3 paces from our room) and are using a baby sleeping bag. I either swaddle her or put her in her grobag before I bf so as not to wake her when i transfer her, but she is a bit of a houdini and seems to always work her way out of the swaddle, so I've started using the grobag. Most nights I end up falling asleep in the armchair in her room.

sleeplesssister - other people and their opinions can just fuck off. Don't let strangers' thoughts get to you because all that matters is that you and your DD are happy and healthy. And staying indoors for days on end because you are too worried about what other people might think is the surest way to send yourself insane.

Regarding your DD's operation (I can't imagine how much you've been through - I got myself into a state when DS1 was tiny just over reflux - what is pyloric stenosis?), could this be the reason for her poor sleeping habits? If she's in pain or discomfort, it would make sense that she would only feel happy being held.

For that reason, I would strongly recommend cranial osteopathy. It can really help with babies who have had difficult births, or subsequently diagnosed medical conditions, as well as sleep issues; it won't cure the problem, but it will help to ease discomfort and distress.

We went down the co-sleeping route out of desperation because ds was exactly like this - perfectly happy to sleep on me, in my arms, in the sling, but would wake up ten minutes after he was put down in the cot. I couldn't get to sleep because I knew that he would wake up again in no time, so there was no point.

As you are so tired, and it's getting you so down, could you consider sleeping with dd and letting dh sleep elsewhere for a while? That way, with you all a bit more rested, hopefully, things may seem a bit easier. She is still so little.

I'd really recommend a wrap sling rather than a Baby bjorn. The wrap sling really snuggles them close to you, and is ergonomically great for your back too. It may seem difficult at first, but watch a couple of videos on youtube and practise with a teddy bear and soon you will be tying it in your sleep. We had a Moby wrap fwiw.

Where we live there is a sling library where you can try different ones to see what works for you. Maybe there is something like that near you. Ours is in conjunction with the local BF support place.

My DS was a pain to settle so we briefly co-slept by 14 weeks with a dummy he was much better (and he was 6 weeks premmie) and I think it was a change in him rather than anything we did IYSWIM. As hard as it is you just have to get through it - co-sleeping whatever it is that means you can sleep. I got myself in a horrid state at the time but I did get sleep in the end.

I have a moby wrap too, and it is really great. it is the only way that i can get my 4 week old to go to sleep during the day.
Just to hijack this thread a little, to those who co-sleep/slept - when did you make the transition to using a cot/basket? the only way my baby sleeps at night is in bed with me but i'm worried that he'll be there for the next few years. I am starting to think i should just do what ever works as it means i can get some sleep rather than ending up being an over emotional tired wreck like i am today (i tried to get him to sleep in his basket last night and it didnt work), but just want some reassurance (or otherwise) that co-sleeping isnt the devils work, like some/most books would have you believe.

Lavender I stopped at 13/14 weeks and one of my friends at 12 weeks. They do just change and you have to keep trying - almost typed crying that would have been a freudian slip.

My DS is 2.5 now and will not sleep with us for love or money (we have tried sometimes) so you are not tying a noose round your neck!

Strongly agree with with the sling suggestions. My 15 week old DS is very similar - he fights naptime and just gets more tired and upset...unless he's in the sling. He doesn't have very long naps but can make as long as 40mins at a time on a good day.

He also complained a little at first when I used it but settled within minutes. Now I can actually see him calm a little when he sees me putting it on!

I strongly recommend the Moby over the Babybjorn though, it gives much better back support and DS seems to prefer it.
It can be a bit of a faff to get it right the first few times but there are a few youtube vids that show how to do it.

Could she still be feeling the effects of the op?

A sling is a good idea but some babies don't like the bjorn - maybe you could try a softer one? I got a close to me baby carrier which was a lot softer. The babybjorn was great for when DS was older.

The crying sounds like she could be overtired too. I'd get out walking with the sling and dummy - I remember DS crying for about ten mins then would fall fast asleep.

I remember the early days well. In the end I would get dressed with DH who would sort out DS. All meals, I'd have DS in the sling. Then I'd sit back when he was asleep and put my feet up.

DS had bad reflux so spent the first 3-4 months sleeping on me. He hated his pram (lying flat obviously uncomfortable) and would be ok in his bouncy chair for short bursts.

I did have to tackle his overtiredness by avoiding overstimulation - babies don't need toys at that age, well meaning grandparents would wave things in his face and I'd stop them. I'd put him down for naps after 45 mins of being awake - by sticking in the sling/feeding. Didn't always work so I'd just let him chill by carrying about.

It wasn't til he got to about 4 months that I put him in his cot. Took ages before he got used to it though!!

Forget what other people think etc. Also your baby crying sounds worse to you than anyone else!

Thanks all, just back from feeding her.

She is apparently (physically) fully recovered from the op she had (pyloric stenosis is where the muscle between the stomach and the gut is too tight, almost like the opposite of reflux, has to be corrected by surgery) and is now a decent weight (about 10lbs). So I don't think she is in any physical pain but it has probably made the clinginess worse (poor thing has been through a lot, also had an emergency c-section, and the op meant she was on a drip for 4 days).

I'll def give the osteopathy a whirl, the state I've worked myself into I'll try anything if it might help. I think there is also a sling library near me (Herts) so I'll see if they have a moby wrap I could try. I might also abandon the cot bed and move into the spare room with her for a few weeks to see if that helps, I was getting myself into a bit of a tizz about forming bad sleep habits but I take the point that it is probably far too early for any of that. I agree on the overstimulation point, when she is awake and happy (for about 30 mins in the morning) I feel bad about not playing with her all that time (rather than having a shower and breakfast) but it just wears her out quicker, so I'll stop beating myself up about it.

Sleepless there is one in Harpenden - that is the one I mentioned. Its at the Oval.

Use that time in the morning to sort yourself out. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for not playing with DS but as long as he could hear me he was fine. I'd drag his bouncy chair into the bathroom and have a shower if DH had to go to work early and couldn't help!

Also I can't remember - but have you got a Moses basket? Can you borrow one? DS (when I felt brave enough to put him down ) would nap in his much more happily. Probably because he felt snug. I'd keep it in the room I was in - background daytime noise is reassuring to babies.

My 6 week old wants to be held a lot too. Unless she's in a deep sleep she won't be put down in a cot or bouncy chair and if shes's awake no way would she let us not hold her!

I have a 22 month old toddler too so it's difficult.

I have a Connecta sling which i use (i have a Moby too but just don't get on with it)and she loves it. I just sling her during the day.

At night we co-sleep. She loves sleeping on my chest (and someimes DHs chest) and we start off like that at night and grdually transfer her next to me.

My opinion is that babies are meant to be held close during the day and co-slept with and night, that's what nature intended!

Thanks all. I'll try the sling library. We have tried getting her to nap in her cot, moses basket, chair, car seat, but the only thing she seems to like is sleeping on one of us, or very occasionally in the car. Think I just need to resign myself to the fact that this is the way its going to be for a while, and record some crappy television to watch while she naps on me! Also def going to give osteopath a go. Holding her is no hardship so I don't mean to moan but it just gets me down when I don't have a chance to even make myself a cup of tea without her wailing.