Please help - 4 year old still not sleeping through the night

[MurtleTheTurtle]

I just wondered if anyone else had any ideas on this - my 4 year old daughter has never been a good sleeper but over the past few months has been getting steadily worse.

I cannot get her into bed on her own and have to sit with her until she goes to sleep. She then wakes frequently throughout the night - 2-3 times on a good night, 12+ on a poor night. Everytime she wakes she comes through to our room crying for me. It can takes ages to settle her back in her own bed.

I've tried leaving her to cry for a short while but she just gets up and comes to find me. I've tried putting her back to bed without speaking and it enrages her. I've tried putting her back to bed again and again and repeating something like 'night night, time for sleep' but this can go on for more than an hour and she shows no sign of giving in and going to sleep.

I've tried a reward chart - it has no impact. She just doesn't care about any promised reward or threatened punishment (naughty step etc) during the night. She just wants me to sleep with her.

So far I've resisted sleeping with her all night as I think this would very soon become permanent but we are all so tired and are just out of ideas. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any ideas on how to help her sleep through the night in her own bed?

I'd really appreciate any advice.

How long have you kept up the returning her to her own bed for? I think at that age it'll take several sleepless nights before it has an impact.

My 4 year old dd is the same - although when she wakes and comes into my room I just let her into bed with us and she goes back to sleep.

I also lie down with her at night til she is asleep but it usually only takes a few minutes of chit chat after her story before she dozes off. I actually value this quiet time with her as we talk about her day etc.

I read somewhere that until they learn to fall asleep alone at bedtime they won't self-settle if they wake in the night which does make sense so probably the key is to get her to go to sleep by herself at bedtime. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice on how to do that.

Murtle, we have the same problem. My DD (4yrs 2 mths) has always gone to sleep with either myself or partner with her - usually in our bed!! We have recently been more consistant in trying to get her to fall asleep alone and stay in bed all night. It was really hard and very upsetting for us and her so we have decided to deal with it in stages. Stage one - moving her back to her bed every time she comes in to us during teh night. Stage two - getting her to fall asleep in her own bd alone.

I figure it will not be an overnight success, but I do take responsability for being in this position. We weren't 'strict' enough with settling her in her room when she was younger.

Not really advice - just wanted you to know your're not the only one! Good luck!

Thank you both for responding.

I kept up returning her to her own bed for well over an hour several days in a row (3-4 I think) but we were both getting so tired and upset that I gave in. It was literally a case of me putting her into bed, tucking her in, leaving the room and she got straight out before I'd finished closing the door - then start all over again. Time after time after time.

I know it would be easier all round if I just let her come into bed with us but she would then sleep with us all night every night and I don't think it would do any of us any good.

She did used to fall asleep alone at bedtime so I know she can do it. I've started to dread bedtime to be honest.

Thanks 2njuly - its good to know that other people are in the same boat (not that I would wish it on anyone!). I sometimes found myself wondering if there was something wrong with her - my 2 year old sleeps 12 hours every night and goes to bed on his own!

Good luck and if I find any sort of strategy that works I'll let you know!

Have you read the No Cry Sleep Solution for Pre-Schoolers and Toddlers?

I was skimming though it this morning and it does have suggestions for your dd's age and sleep issues. It might be work a look.

You're welcome, I wish I could be more help. I have tried the sitting on the end of the bed until they're asleep - and it worked. But, it felt silly (and a little cruel)to sit on her bed but not touch her so we went back to the cuddling before sleep. And she is ONLY four!

When she sleeps through teh night without waking us we make a big fuss of her and let her know how proud we are.

But really, they're only young once!

Good luck!

It sounds familiar, I think maybe there is one for babies and I have read that! I will definitely try to get hold of it as I do remember finding the baby version quite helpful. Thank you very much.

I had this with my 2 1/2 year and tried loads of things. In the end it took about 2 months(!) and bribery, but here's what I did, hope it helps someone.

It was 3 months to his birthday and he had been asking for fireman sam toys. I told him they were big boys toys and if he wanted big boys toys he had to learn to go to sleep like a big boy. He said he was a big boy so I said we'd try together. The first night instead of lying down with him (I know!) I said I would sit on the end of the bed. when he protested I said 'well we have to learn to go to sleep like a big boy or you can't have big boys toys for your birthday' I'd tried so many other things I took it slow and so sat at the end of the bed for a week!

Then I moved to standing by the bed and then by the door , then outside the door with the door open. Finally I said I would be just round the corner and would check on him in 1 minute, which he didn't like at first as he couldn't see me, but after a few reminders about the toys he got the hang of it. So I'd go back in after one minute give him another kiss and say I'd check on him in 2 minutes, and then 3 and so on. After the 4 minute check he was usually asleep and now it's usually the 1 minute. From then on he slept all night and it's been 8 months now, and obviously he got the Sam toys!.

Sorry for the mammoth essay - didn't mean it to be that long!!! Now if only I could use reason to get my 12 month old to sleep LOL!