She Won't Self-Soothe (sorry - long!)

[Youngie]

Hi, I am at my wits end with my DD, my 2nd child. She is 11 mths old, and is waking up every night, with it taking on average 2 hrs to get her back over again.

Brief history of her babyhood is that for the 1st 6 mths she was breastfed but suffered from a lot of gastro problems and was very difficult to settle at night and in the evening, resulting in hours of pacing & rocking to get her to sleep. I stopped BF at 7 mths, and with much perseverence I eventually got her to go down in her cot awake for naps. She would cry, but not hard, and after a minute or two would put herself to sleep.

She didn't start sleeping through the night until 9mths, which coincided with her getting 4 teeth at once. However, around the same time, once she started crawling and standing she refused to go down in her cot awake, and would cry relentlessly until we gave in and held her until she fell asleep.

The sleeping through the night only lasted 1 month, and out of nowhere she has gone back to waking every night (she has also been teething heavily at the same time, and has recently cut 1 tooth). I am a stickler for routine with regards to nap timing, etc., and although she goes down fairly easily after her bottle, I have to hold her for a few minutes before putting her down asleep.

Whilst I suspect the teething initially started the night waking, now I've no doubt that her inability to go to sleep awake in her cot is a big culprit to the night waking. I have generally no issue with the cry it out method & used it successfully with my son at a young age, but it's horrendous with my DD and I just can't do it again. She gets totally panicked and goes into complete meltdown, gasping for breath, coughing until she's sick and sweating like mad. Last try at this was a few nights ago, and after half an hour I could bear it no more and picked her up. Once she stopped crying it took around 20 mins for her to stop gasping when she breathed, so you get an idea of how horrendously upset she gets.

I've also tried sitting beside the cot to do gradual withdrawal, but she goes into the same meltdown that she does when I go completely out of the room.

So in general, she wakes up crying somewhere between 11pm and 2am, goes to sleep instantly when picked up, but doesn't seem to go back into a deep sleep. Even if you wait 30 mins before trying to put her down, she will open her eyes and start crying again, and this goes on until eventually she wears herself out a couple of hours later. If she wakes later in the night after this, generally she will self-soothe herself back to sleep after a brief cry.

Has anyone gone through anything similar, and is there anything apart from the crying techniques which I can do to stop this? I'm starting back at work in 2 weeks, and am dreading it as I'm totally exhausted. Also, I have a 3 yr old about to start pre-school, so it's not fair to subject him to hours of her crying either.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm tired & really despondent that I can't get her out of this cycle.

Hi youngie. Poor you and poor DD!

What gastro problems did she have? Have they been resolved? Just wanted to make sure they've been sorted and aren't causing problems - eg any solids upsetting her tummy at night. My DS had terrible stomach issues so I have to avoid foods which make him windy (pulses, onions, green veg etc) at tea time. He has reflux which I think makes him more sensitive.

It could be that your DD has separation anxiety and as she's been left to cry it out, she's anxious about you leaving her at night time hence the upset. This could be made worse if she's teething or still has tummy trouble. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty just making suggestions.

Or she could be in discomfort or having a growth spurt. How is her milk/solid intake in the day?

Putting all that aside, I suggest you try teaching her to self settle by more gentle means. Does she play in her cot in the day? Might be worth making sure she likes it! I pop DS in his for a bit with some toys in the morning when he wakes while I stay in the room getting his clothes ready. Same at bedtime.

You can try putting her down drowsy and pat her to sleep. If she sleeps on her front it's easy as you can lean over, gently place one hand on her back for reassurance and pat her bum with your other while "sshhhing" near her ear. I do this with DS sometimes (he's 11 months). It won't work every time but you can keep perservering so she falls asleep in the cot. Once that happens you can try putting her down drowsy with some patting then let her finish off whilst you stay - so a bit like gradual withdrawal. I've never left DS to fall asleep alone yet by the way!

Once you've done this for a bit hopefully your DD will realise you're not going to leave her and she'll self settle at night.

My DS is a similar age and as I said, he doesn't fall asleep at the start of the night without me either feeding him or being in the room. He does self settle in the night (I hear him). I think it's because he's fine in the cot and only gets upset if something is wrong - be it teeth, tummy or hunger.

Hi Youngie,I think if you start with daytime naps and use spaced soothing in the day and then at it will work .
Spaced soothing is Jo Tantum's method of helping baby self soothe whilst not getting distressed.I use it with my little boy when he is teething - he is now 9 months .
You basically listen to him for 10 mins before going in to soothe ,when you go into soothe you can pat and sshh for a few mins until calm then leave the room .Listen for 5 mins then go in and do the smae ,continue this until baby settles.If there are quiet parts or sleep noises then leave them longer .then when you wake them make a big fuss .Go to Jo's website www.babysecretsltd.com to get more info .Good luck

Thanks folks. WRT Iggybuff's note, we never got to the bottom of her gastro problems & it was put down to either colic or reflux. Up to 6 mths she used to writhe on the breast when she got like it, & was very difficult to feed and settle. She sometimes projectile vomited when really bad, but not all the time. It was more excessive posseting. For a month or more at it's worst she had solely green poos, and a couple of instances of blood in her poo and vomit. She was referred to hospital twice, but they saw nothing out of the ordinary in tests.

Now that you mentioned about your DS & his wind issues even at this age, when I think about it she often passes a lot of wind when I'm soothing her when she wakes in the night. She doesn't really do this in the day, so perhaps I need to look at whether she was reflux again.

At 11 mths, what generally are you DS's symptoms of reflux compared to a younger baby?

Thanks also lisajok. Will look at the website for the soothing tips.

Well his reflux is much better. No sicking up unless I give him dairy (which I do in tiny amounts every month to see if he's still intolerant) or if I've had dairy or soya (he's intolerant to both). For example I mistakenly had a soya milk drink the other day and he had really bad wind with green frothy poo a few hours later.
He will also arch or tilt his head to one side if I give him food which triggered acid reflux - eg acidic stuff like tomatoes or citrus fruit.

It's pretty much calmed down a lot though - he now just has a really sensitive digestive system. For example I gave him peas at lunch once and he was up all night passing wind. Same if I give him eggs (although he's not allergic!).

So I cut out all green veg, all acidic food, dairy and soya. Plus no onions or garlic or anything related (eg leeks). Veg he can have includes squash, swede, parsnips, carrots and spinach so he's not too restricted. I also give sweet potato and rice which is gentle on his tummy.

Once I tackled his diet, the night wakings due to wind pretty much stopped. I've kept up BF as much as I can as there's a lot he cant have. When he gets older - I'll try and reintroduce foods slowly (I had to rein back weaning in the first few months due to the reactions!).

As a baby he had the symptoms you describe - green poo, arching when feeding and sicking up. He also had acid coming up - sometimes out of his nose :( poor thing could sleep well at night at all and it took a long time to resolve once we got him onto medication.

If I were you, I'd cut back on foods at tea which can cause wind and possibly dairy - try giving a simple dinner say of chicken and rice/potatoes. Also you can try giving a couple of teaspoons of fennel tea before her bath to your DD as it helps with trapped wind. I do this for DS and it helps a treat (he finds farting a lot easier!).

My DS is thriving despite the limited diet (walking at 10 months and weighs 10.5kg) so I'm not worried. As he gets older I expect he'll be able to better tolerate more foods.

The problem with reflux or food intolerances is that they're hard to diagnose and allergy tests won't always pick them up as they're not full blown allergies. I think it takes some babies longer to mature digestively than others.

Forgot to add - I assume your DD on formula? You could consider switching to a comfort or partly hydrolised milk to see if it helps.

Thanks. Will try your suggestions and fingers crossed!!! :)

Let us know how you get on!