Controlled Comforting - does it work?

[OverwhelmedandUnderpaid]

I have a beautiful, healthy, affectionate, funny and happy (almost) 7 month old DD. Next weekend I'm starting part-time work, full day Saturday and half-day Sunday. DD is breastfed and gets plenty of day time cuddles.

For her day time naps I rock her to sleep and for her last feed of the evening she feeds to sleep. I don't see the last feed/sleep as an issue as it is not the only way that I can get her to sleep.

However, I am the only one that can get her to sleep. DH will be looking after DD whilst I work and over the last few weekends we have been trying to have DH put her to sleep during the day. DD screams and gets herself into a state and refuses to sleep for him. He has persisted for up to an hour with no result. Usually DD loves him and enjoys play time with him, will let him bath and feed her but no dice when it comes to sleep.

DH thinks that it would be a good idea to try controlled comforting to allow DD to learn to settle herself to sleep. He figures that if she is in that much of a state anyway she may as well be in her cot.

Although I don't disagree with CC in theory, it doesn't sit entirely comfortably with me. It makes me feel very sad to think that DD may think that we don't love her and aren't coming back for her. I worry that it will make her withdraw from us or turn into an unhappy bubba.

Is anyone able to reassure me that CC won't break my lovely baby, or alternatively let me know if you think it's a huge mistake?

Thanks so much :)

Does she sleep through?

She will sleep from about 8 pm to about 5 am most nights - I am fortunate in that respect. If she wakes at around 2 am or so she will settle herself back to sleep more times than not.

Okay, then I don't think CC is the thing for you. And I'm being purely pragmatic here, and skipping the philosophical issues around CC entirely.

Really, the idea behind it is to teach a child to go to sleep on its own. We all, adults and children, go through sleep cycles, and half-wake several times during the night. Some people can self-settle and go back to sleep almost immediately (adults rarely remember this) and others don't. Many children, mine included, tend to wake, be unable to settle themselves, and call for a parent to come in and do whatever it is that child needs to sleep again. So at your daughter's age, mine was waking every 1.5 - 3 hours and needed nursing back to sleep each time.

CC is supposed to teach that sort of child that it's alright to go to sleep on their own, and then when they wake up overnight they'll remember that and self-settle.

She associates him with fun playtime, not sleep, that's the issue, nothing to do with her needing to learn self-settling. You said yourself she can already do that, and she can also go to sleep without nursing, so she doesn't need to be "taught" those skills.

And even if it did teach her to go to sleep at night on her own, it wouldn't solve the nap issue, because CC at night doesn't tend to translate to daytime naps anyway.

My suggestion is that you get your husband to do a night routine first, and try and mimic what you do as much as possible. If you nurse her, he needs a bottle and to try and rock her the way you do. If it's night time and not naptime, she'll have a stronger association with sleep. And the key is just persistence. I know it's hard; my husband struggled when I first went back to work and he took over daytime naps, and there was crying, and he had to do a lot of wearing her in the sling, and it was hard. But she adjusted, and they got used to each other.

Sorry for epic post. Good luck.

Thank you very much for the advice, I will be showing to DH :). I think that he mostly wants to give it a go because it gets him upset and frustrated when she won't sleep for him.

DH did remark though that at some stage babies/toddlers learn to be put down and nap without having to be rocked. How do they transition from being rocked as babies to being able to be put down awake for a nap?

Sorry for silly questions, it's my first baby and I'm trying to muddle my way through :).

Yes, I suspected that was the real issue - that he's reacting a bit like "well if you won't let me comfort you you can just comfort yourself!" - but it won't really help. It was really hard for my husband, as well, that transition, so I do sympathise.

Here's how it went for us. I did everything on demand, breastfed, rocked, co-slept, etc. Never tried to influence sleep at all. And mine was/is a much worse sleeper than yours.

We fed to sleep at night till eleven months, and transferred asleep. Naps, we nursed when she was tiny, then when older we paced and rocked.

One night she just didn't go to sleep on the boob, though, so we started feeding a bit earlier then doing a pace-rock thing to get her to sleep instead. Around twelve months, she started having a bottle of cow's milk last thing (we still breastfed other times), and I handed bedtime over to my husband. He would hold her on his lap, with the bottle, and then just hold her still and quiet till she fell asleep. This only worked if she couldn't see me.

Around 13/14 months this started taking longer and longer. One night, around 14+ months, it'd been an hour and he just asked her, do you want to be put in bed? And she nodded, so he did, and she went to sleep. We felt pretty stupid, actually, since I think she'd have been happier doing that for a month or so prior, but we never thought to ask and she didn't talk yet.

At 22 months she has a routine and knows it, so after dinner she goes to the stairs and points upwards "bath? bubbles?" and then when her PJs are on she asks for "bottle, mummy?" and after her songs and some requisite stalling ("pooo! mummy, I did poo"; she never has) is happy to be tucked up with her teddy and her stuffed dog and a kiss. And she has the same routine for her nap.

So really, she just grew up, and needed different things. We never influenced it, she just stopped wanting to be nursed to sleep, stopped wanting to be rocked, stopped wanting to be held, and we went with it.

at the fake poo.

I did ask him if perhaps he is expecting too much from her. As a newborn she would only sleep on us, then after a while next to us in the bed, then beside the bed in a cot and at about 3 months we figured out that we were disturbing her sleep and moved her into her own room. About that time she dropped to one midnight feed and then about 1.5 months ago she also (mostly) dropped the midnight one.

I suppose since she's come such a long way from the beginning he's looking for the next step... I guess my hesitation is because I've so far done everything on demand.

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate the assistance!

I agree with everything tortoise says. CC was really designed for babies who have never learned to go to sleep/stay asleep without help.

When you say she wakes at 5, does she go back to sleep? When & how long does she nap for during the day?

It's also possible that she's not getting quite enough sleep overall and hence is a bit overtired. This might mean that she needs slightly more soothing to get to sleep - and because she's used to you soothing her to sleep, only you are soothing 'enough' to help her relax.

Does she sleep in the sling, pushchair or car? That might be a short-term coping method for naps when you're at work.

I'll have a similar problem with my 8 m.o. DS who is usually fed to sleep, when DH looks after him while I go back to work part-time, but we've not been brave enough to try DH getting him to sleep yet!

My DS did actually start to self-settle for naps at 5 months, although it went to pot afterwards due to developmental things and stopping wanting to be swaddled. At that point I would rock him to sleep and put him down completely asleep. When he was going off without any bother, I'd put him down when his eyes were closed but he wasn't entirely asleep, and pat him until he went off properly.

If he fussed or cried, I'd pick him up and rock him again until his eyes were closed and he was quiet again, then put him down, patting if necessary. After a while I'd put him down earlier - he'd wake when I put him in the cot but would usually drift off on his own. After a few more days I could rock him just till I saw his eyes roll with drowsiness and if I put him down he'd go off usually without much more help from me.

More gradual methods take patience and consistency but they can work.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley has some good ideas too.

I agree with previous posters.

We rocked DS to sleep until he was about 5 months, then did a gradual withdrawl thing similar to AngelDog, where we put him down when he was not quite asleep, then put him down drowsy etc.

We also had a fairly rigid nap and bedtime routine whereby we did the same things, in the same order. So for nap, it was nappy change, story sitting on the chair, cuddle and a song (same song every time), then into cot and light show on. DS also had (still has actually!) a special teddy and a dummy. All those things indicated that it was time to sleep. DP and I did it in pretty much the same way so it really didn't matter who did it.

I suggest that you try working towards putting your DD to bed awake so that your DH can do the same things when you are not around. I think tortoise is spot on when she says that your DD associates your DH with playtime. There are lots of gentle ways to help your DD to sleep though. She already knows that bed is a nice place to be when you're tired and how to settle herself - if you do CC you may change that...

Hi Overwhelmed. If your DD will settle in a pushchair or pram (ie if you take her out for a walk), then why not use that as an option for daytime naps?

Your DH could start by taking her out for walks then, as she gets used to him, he could try rocking the pushchair too and fro, less and less each time. The idea is that gradually she will become used to him settling her during the day and will need the walking or rocking motion less so that eventually your DH will be able to settle her in her cot without tears.

Having said that, my ex-DH still takes our 22mo out for a walk in his pushchair every day at naptime - he says its a good excuse to get out of the house and have a coffee!

We've done my first weekend of DH doing the naps and the world hasn't ended, much to DH's surprise :) - in fact, I think he's feeling quite pleased with himself. I gave him the suggestions of the pram and car but he managed to rock her to sleep twice (once each day) and only had a hard time on the Saturday arv nap.

I have been reading other threads as well and I'm going to concentrate this week on more 'routine' day time naps. Until now I have really just been watching DD for tired signs before putting her down, but perhaps with regular nap times she might be more comfortable going to sleep with DH, perhaps if she gets to the stage where she realises that it's time for a sleep.

What is the best way to do gradual withdrawal etc? I have tried previously to just try to pat her off again if she wakes when she goes down in the cot but she just starts screaming so I end up picking her up and rocking her again until she goes back to sleep and then I try again. Perhaps I'm underestimating her, but I don't think she'd respond well to being put down almost asleep... are there signs that I should be looking for that tell me she'd be ok to do this?

I will also have a look out for the no cry sleep solution book.

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions.