Settling baby with Daddy - how?

[LaTristesse]

Morning ladies, any advice on this would be gratefully received...

So currently, DS (5 months) sleeps fine from 9pm - 6am most nights in his own room. We usually feed to sleep (bf), but have to start our bedtime routine a good 3 hours before he goes off as it takes such a long time to get him there. He usually spends most of that time wriggling, fussing, trying to fart and getting more and more tired until eventually he manages a little feed and then drops off.

Our main concern is that he will only settle and be soothed by me - I walk him up and down, rub his back, hold him etc, sometimes for hours until he's ready to feed and sleep. DH (less patient and tolerant than me) is getting hacked off that he can't seem to comfort the baby, and I'm getting accusations that I'm turning him into a mummy's boy, which i find unfair - the way I see it he's small, he needs his mum and I invest more time in soothing in while DH gets stressed and impatient with him. His solution would be to put the baby in his cot until he sleeps, crying or not, something which I disagree with and won't allow.

So what can we do about this? Do I need to back off and let DH try more often, will things just even themselves out as DS gets older? Help... !

What are his daily naps like - do you think he could be getting overtired hence all the fussing?
We have to share the bedtime routine in our house so we both stay patient.
I do the feed, bath, massage while DH finishes off work etc. Then I go and make dinner while DH shuts the curtains and puts DD in her sleeping bag. He then shushes her to sleep.
That way neither of us interferes with the other and we don't have silent arguments. Sometimes though we do have to call for help if it's all going a bit wrong!

He's not too bad with napping, although not very regular, usually 3 naps per day, average an hour and a half each, maybe a longer one in the middle... He always feeds into a nap, and often fights the sleep.

I like the idea of your routine Pauline, but I'm not sure how we'd get there; I picture DH shushing helplessly while DS cries for hours... I guess we could try though. Thanks for replying

Maybe swap it round then, so DH does the bath and prep and you do the feed and the rocking. Just so it doesn't involve both of you - we had to do it to stop the other interfering when things weren't going to plan!
Hope things improve for you!

It's a bit of a vicious circle though, isn't it? If DH doesn't do it, then DS will not be used to him and be more likely to fuss etc etc.

I think you need to agree some 'ground rules' that you stick to - i.e DH does not put him in his cot and just let him cry. The comment about him being a 'mummys boy' is just silly, however it is easy to let the main caregiver do everything because they feel they know the 'best' way to do everything.

I think you may need to plan to go out - maybe for a run or something? Whilst DH does he stuff for the first few nights...and DH really needs to focus on just chilling out and realising that gradually it will get easier as he gets better at it, and DS gets used to it.

We always shared bedtimes as soon as DD turned 3 weeks and we introduced a bottle of expressed breastmilk. We had a sressful week when she was about 12 weeks old when all of a sudden DD decided that ONLY mummy would do. I KNEW that Dh was great with her as he had been putting her to bed for the previous 2 months, but her crying really upset me, so I went out for a while to avoid me going in and interfering. Poor DH was gutted as well - he looked forward to his daddy/daughter time at the end of the day and felt rejected. I went in once and found them both in tears...

It passed after a week,

Thanks!

Usually I do everything, DH only gets involved if I'm unavailable, i.e. had to take the cat to vets last week right in the middle of the bedtime routine (don't ask why DH couldn't have done it, I'm saving that for the AIBU section...)
Anyway, I was only gone 20 mins and in that time DS had got himself into a state screaming and crying, DH had gone for Calpol (not needed at all), leaving DS on the sofa who fell off and bumped his head.
Personally I think I need to not go anywhere again, and DH needs to wise up, but if anyone has any gentler ideas I'd love to hear them!

It does sound like he (DH) is struggling with DS at the moment. I guess the question is whether you want him to be able to look after DS (personally I would have gone stark raving mad if I hadn't be able to leave DD for a while knowing she was in safe hands - but I realise this is personal!) If it isn't important to you, then you may not feel the need to 'train' him. I suppose I didn't have the battle because DH was/is hands on when not at work - I didn't change a nappy until day 4! (and when I did I put it on back to front and the staff in the hospital thought it was DH - he took great pleasure in pointing out that it was me )

Love that story... I guess I have a more traditional man on my hands - first nappy in the bag at 4 months, although he does do all the housework at weekends, so maybe I shouldn't grumble too much!

this is quite similar to me- DD is 16 weeks and I BF her to sleep, only difference is DH comes in from work, plays with DD on activity mat for half hour, then bath and daddy time, pops her in grobag and passes to me- i give her last feed and put her in cot.

I panicked a lot about this too- will she only settle with me, what happens when i want to go out etc. I have been out twice and have to say all was fine. DH gave her bottle of expressed milk, there were a few tears and took a bit longer to nod off but all was fine- the world did not end and I enjoyed nandos with the girls!!!!!

Sometimes you have to try this to see and hopefully reassure yourself and give dad the chance (explaining no leave to cry etc)

Good luck x

I have the same situation here. DD is almost 5 months and will only be settled by me. I think this is partly because sometimes DH works late and he doesn't see DD before she goes to bed - when he sometimes goes up to re-settle her if she stirs, she just gets louder and louder until I go in. I know this upsets DH although he hasn't said. He is also much less tolerant than me and would probably let her cry a bit. But then saying that, on the odd occasion he has been able to settle her easier than me as she doesn't associate him with milk/boobs!

So far, DD has not taken a bottle (have tried countless teats) but as she has taken a dummy for the first time today, I am hopeful that she may now accept a bottle too... Hopefully then I can get out and have some 'me time' before I go totally crazy!