Ban dads from the birth? Your thoughts please!

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello.

Our lovely Carrie is going to be on BBC London News this evening, talking about whether dads should be present at the birth of their babies - or not.

It's really all about this story in the Observer at the weekend, in which childbirth specialist Michel Odent said he believes the mother-to-be's labour can be longer, more painful and more complicated if her partner is in the room.

We'd love to know what you think about all this.

Is labour easier without your other half hovering white-facedly nearby?

Or would the idea of giving birth without your partner's support be utterly hellish?

It depends on the relationship between the couple, I guess.

I needed dh there. I genuinely don't think I could have coped. He wasn't hovering nearby, wite-facedly or otherwise. He was in the birth pool with me, relaying the instructions from the midwife (I wouldn't listen to anyone other than him) and caught ds when he came out.

He then tucked us both up in bed, cleared up everything, got a couple of hours himself and got up early to make me a huge breakfast containing every food I'd craved but couldn't have in pg.

If anyone had suggested it was better if he was not there, I would have bitten their heads off.

But I can see how if he'd been a different kind of person it would have been a problem.

I don't know what I would have done without my dh. It was long and hard, without analgesia and I was 42.

I had a brilliant midwife and she stayed with me for most of the time from 6cm to delivery, including an hour and a half of pushing.

But most of the time I didn't take in a word she said, until I heard it from dh.

There was a moment near the delivery where I could briefly see, between contractions, that he was very distressed and almost in tears. I couldn't do anything about it and that felt strange. Later he told me that at the beginning of every contraction I was saying 'oh no, ... oh no'.

Moments later, he was overjoyed and shouting at the top of his voice 'she looks perfect!'.

And dh was the one who convinced me I'd done ok when I was feeling really bad about myself.

Our mothers were lucky to get a call. I wanted him glued to my side. And I was out of that hospital in a few hours because I couldn't stand being away from him.

Footnote: I'm not always like that

What prunerz says. It's got to be down to the individual. But I think that assuming that all fathers should be there because that's what 'you do' is as daft as assuming that all blokes should be shut out pacing the corridor. And fathers aren't failures if they don't want to be there.

No way - having my husband there gave me confidence that I had someone to support me and make sure that my wishes were considered when I was in a very vulnerable situation. From his point of view, he would have hit the roof if anyone suggested that he shouldn't be able to be there at such an important time for us.

Completely agree that this should be up to the individual couple, my husband has been at all three of our children's births.

He is very proactive and encouraging, he makes sure I have all of my needs and he enjoyed watching our children be born and cutting their cords - he held the first two before me too.

There have been no negative effects on our relationship, if anything it is stronger for our experiences together.

On the other hand if he hadn't enjoyed it and didn't want to be there I wouldn't force him and would have made alternative arrangements.

My DH was there for DD's birth (she's my 2nd child and his 1st).
I had a home birth but DD swallowed meconium,and things basically started to go wrong, so from one midwife we went to 3 and 2 ambulance crews! and even though I had all those people around me (and let me add they were absolutely fantastic) I was so glad DH was there, don't think I could have got through it without him.

In my last labour I got into hospital (for the second time) at 9+ cm dilated. Had two contractions with no pain relief at all (not been examined yet, just waiting) by clinging onto DH. I then asked him to get me some water and I couldn't cope with the next contraction - pressed the button to demand pain relief! Just because he wasn't there.
So no, I personally found having him there helped a lot.
Plus when pushing him telling me how well I was doing meant so much more than the MW telling me the same thing, as he was involved, this was a personal thing for him.

I suppose Carrie has done the broadcast by now (since it was meant to be last night!) - what did she say?

ABetaDad, interesting what you say about men being overwhelmed by the labour. Dh was overwhelmed by my first labour, and by the fact that he felt he should be able to do something for me but could not. The first labour was quite distressing for him. We both learned from that labour, and he was far more active and involved in the second, which was less overwhelming and distressing for him.

But seeing me labour, seeing what I could go through, and what I could do with my body, gave him a new respect for me. Knowing that I am tougher than I appear, or than he has culturally been led to believe of women ingeneral. Being told by me, afterwards, that he had been fantastic for me gave dh such a boost as well.

Having dh as my birth partner was good for dh as a person, and for our relationship, too.

In Spain partners are not allowed. However mothers (or Mothers In Law perish the thought) I think are permitted in some hospitals. Unless you go private, in which case partners are allowed unless you have a C-section. I was the latter - labour started normally so dh came to the delivery room. I was absolutely glad to have him there: he was able to calmly translate my angry shrieking into comprehensible spanish, and their completely dispassionate manhandling into positive encouragement.
Language barriers aside, imo it depends on the couple but if your partner is going to be on your side, help and encourage and calm you down then yes, he should be able to be there.

Hi Kathy

I didn't get chance to say much tbh, Michel Odent talked a lot about dogma. I basically just had time to say Mumsnetters were pro choice and were glad that there was a choice as to whether their partner was there or not, that lots of Mumsnetters felt they needed an advocate as the midwives weren't always a) available and b) that great and most felt their partner was their best advocate. Also said that if partner didn't want to be there and plenty of Mumsnetters had taken mums, sisters, friends and doulas and that's also fine.

Wanted to say lots more but v little time. Thanks all for all the input and sorry if I didn't manage to get your point across.

ooh i liked your cardi carrie, nice colour

he was obsessed with dogma wasn't he! you were very good though got more said than him in a much shorter time

Carrie it sounds like you did brilliantly and said an amazing amount in a short time - that is a terrific summary of the thread