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MNHQ

Ban dads from the birth? Your thoughts please!

88 replies

HelenMumsnet · 20/10/2009 15:48

Hello.

Our lovely Carrie is going to be on BBC London News this evening, talking about whether dads should be present at the birth of their babies - or not.

It's really all about this story in the Observer at the weekend, in which childbirth specialist Michel Odent said he believes the mother-to-be's labour can be longer, more painful and more complicated if her partner is in the room.

We'd love to know what you think about all this.

Is labour easier without your other half hovering white-facedly nearby?

Or would the idea of giving birth without your partner's support be utterly hellish?

OP posts:
Lilyloooohhhh · 20/10/2009 18:53

Why should he get to sit in some nice comfy waiting room , enjoying tea and biccies and be presented with a lovely baby after all the hard work is done

I cannot see how your dh/p can make labour more difficult , my dp nearly missed dc3 birth as he was having his tea i would have been mortified!!!! After they watch you go through all the pain i definately think it brings you all closer together , those moments afterwards with baby and the two of you are treasured and the more special both of you knowing what it took to get there imo

mamakoukla · 20/10/2009 18:53

The choice should be up to the parents. DH was there and thank heavens for that. My Mum had died many years before and my relatives are too far. Also, DH was allowed to room-in with us and that was invaluable to have that extra support and help after giving birth, rather than him being sent home after visiting hours. I was a little bit tender after a very fast birth.

ABetaDad · 20/10/2009 18:57

Am I unreasonable to think that the medical profession (doctors and midwives) would prefer it if Dads were not there because they can control vulnerable women?

When DS1 was born the midwife put a chair in the far corner of the room and told me to sit there while she attended to my wife and made it clear she was not keen to have me there. She even ofFered to bring a matress so I could go to sleep. Then she went off shift and at midnight no one had come to see my wife for nearly 2 hours until I went to find someone and have a showdown with doctor and MW to ask who exactly was in charge - they both looked at each other blank.

When DS2 was born the MW refused to let DW have an epidural by pretending the anethetists were too busy. She did not know that - she just refused to pick up the phone and tried to bully my wife even thouh she was haing a very painful back-to-back birth. It was only when I stood over the MW and demanded she pick up the phone that she eventually agreed and magically the epidural arrived in 5 minutes.

Once DS2 had been born the MW failed to notice DW as bleeding heavily and had nearly 2 pints of blood until I pointed out the spreading puddle on the floor.

As it happened - I also wanted to be there to see my children born. I would never advocate man being forced to go to see his children born if he does not want to but a calm engaged and willing birth partner is very important.

MuppetsMuggle · 20/10/2009 19:01

I think it should be down to the person who is giving birth.

Personally, I didn't have DP with me when DD was born I had my mom with me and I wouldn't have him with me next time either - he's happy with whatever I opt for.

Blu · 20/10/2009 19:08

I was at home for most of DS's birth, with my bf (female) dp (male) and a homebirth mw. There were times i wanted to just be on my own or on my own with dp, and that's what I did. dp was brilliant throughout, and I was elated that he was there at the birth of his child.

Any birth partner needs to be able to focus in on the labouring woman and be totally sensitive to her needs (listening to the footie would have seen dp OUT on his ear!) But if a woman feels comfortable with a birth partner, and the birth partner is sensitive in supporting the woman's needs, then all to the better if that person is the father of the baby.

I felt it bonded us as parents, and certainly dp was as attentive and hands-on father of a newborn as any could be.

MrsJiggle86 · 20/10/2009 19:10

I personally couldnt of coped without my DH, what a silly idea in the first place!

ABetaDad · 20/10/2009 19:20

The other thing about the article that I disagree with is the bit that says that men may suffer a kind of post natal depression because they witness the birth.

I think men do suffer a kind of postnatal depression - but not because of witnessing the birth. It happens because of the sense of being lost and overwhelmed, not sure what to do with the baby, feeling unconnected to the baby and what your relationship is with DW/DP anymore. Being left out and excluded from the birth could well make that worse for many men.

3andahalfmonkeys · 20/10/2009 19:34

I wouldn't have liked to do any of my births (3) without dh especially dc3 as gave birth in the car and he kept a very cool head in the final stage of labour whilst driving. He then helped deliver dc3 who pushed my waters out.

OrmIrian · 20/10/2009 19:34

"Am I unreasonable to think that the medical profession (doctors and midwives) would prefer it if Dads were not there because they can control vulnerable women?
"

Well that depends on whether that is your experience or not. It isn't mine. I felt that the health professionals were 100% on my side. And of course there is a risk that the father tries to control the birth too unless he and his wife are 100% in agreement.

And FWIW I am not and was not ever a 'vulnerable' woman

Podrick · 20/10/2009 19:37

Free choice surely

It is ludicrous and purely publicity seeking to suggest otherwise - however the current expectation is that the fatehr will be present, perhaps that should be challenged such that there is no assumption made.

hormonstersnomore · 20/10/2009 19:41

How lovely to have a birth with a supportive partner by your side. I only had a succession of disinterested midwives with DC1 - a bewildered, extremely passive exh with DC2 and with DC3 the same exh who thought because he'd 'gone through' it before that he knew it all & I had to put up with him talking over my bump to the midwife, then when I was gripped by contractions they both stopped talking and looked at me making me very self-conscious, even in advanced labour. If I'd had more DCs I wouldn't have wanted him with me, but everyone's different and it has to be an individual choice.

hormonstersnomore · 20/10/2009 19:42

By the way, I always loved Michel Odent, and wanted him with me when I had my babies.

FlameHasAnotherChick · 20/10/2009 19:50

I gave birth yesterday. I wanted DH there, I needed him there. He was the person who could translate grunts and gestures into "she needs to push", he knew when I needed holding, when I needed space.

Plus it is HIS CHILD why shouldn't he be there???

No banning ever. My dad is still upset that he wasn't allowed in for my birth as I was breech.

mummyhill · 20/10/2009 20:03

If they want to be there let them in. If they don't then provide a nice waiting area for them cause they will be next to bloody useless!

I would of been lost without mine there for all 3 of mine and he wouldn't of missed any of them for the world even when the last one got a bit traumatic!

StarlightMcKenzie · 20/10/2009 20:04

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Tortington · 20/10/2009 20:17

if i have to he has to. if he doesn't like it - hard shit - its not like i was having a fcking tea party.

oooh i don't like it its all gooey and theres blood and my wifey/dudette screams and it hurts my sensibilities.

get a grip man. if your hard enough to make it your hard enough to be there.

alli01452 · 20/10/2009 20:26

i was taken in at 3.25am by dh and ds was born at 6.10am my labour was quick i had no problems but i still wouldn't have been able to do it without dh holding the sick bucket... its a wonderfull experience and the dh gets a view you will never see ds entering the world surely its the parents decision nobody elses

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 20/10/2009 20:28

HellMouthCusty brilliant

notnowbernard · 20/10/2009 20:46

Custy

Couldn't agree more

notnowbernard · 20/10/2009 20:50

FWIW, DP was great during dd1's birth

Supportive, had his shit together (no wussiness) was the right mix of involved yet not in my face and hassley

DD2's - was different, I felt like I didn't need him really, knew what I had to do and just Got On With It, IYKWIM. And he was totally cool with that as well.

So I say No Way should they be banned

AbricotsSecs · 20/10/2009 21:06

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Prunerz · 20/10/2009 21:50

I think there should be FAR less pressure on the fathers to be at the birth.
Both from their partners and from themselves as well.
I know several men who would rather not have been there, but never gave it any thought because it's just what you do, innit? And they hated it, they were scared, they knew they weren't any support to their partners, it was long and they were knackered and couldn't do a good job.

My dh was at the birth and things went well, so he technically did a good job there, and luckily enjoyed it (up to a point). Had things not gone so well, I'm sure he'd have been as much use as a chocolate pudding. He generally reacts to crisis with apathy.

And then, some couples do really well together at a birth that's tricky.

So - meh. I think we have got to a point where women think it says something about a man if he doesn't want to be there, and that ain't right. And where women are expected to have the father there even if they know he's toxic. And that ain't right either.

BakewellTarts · 20/10/2009 21:59

Is he also advocating banning male midwives...? Can't see that going down well for equal opportunties.

FWIW I had my lovely DH and mum at the birth of both my daughters one supporting me on each side and I needed both of them there.

MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 20/10/2009 21:59

Thank you everyone for your great posts.

OP posts:
Housemum · 20/10/2009 22:14

My view: Labour probably slows down if partner is there because he feels he ought to be and the mother is thinking she should have him there. I'm sure there are many women who feel like they should have their partner there as it is what is expected, rather than what they wanted. However, for lots of couples it is a wonderful shared experience.

Fathers should have the right to be there if they and their partner want it, but women should realise that they can say no if they would feel happier without them. Certainly there should never be a situation where men were forbidden - I would have hated not to have DH with me, and DH thought that seeing his children born was the most amazing experience of his life (welling up as I think about it now...) He was also invaluable at translating my grunts for the midwife - eg vague noise and hitting my face (myself, not him!) meant "yes, thank you, she does want the gas & air but she prefers a mask"