What do you need to know/wish you'd known about divorce?

[GeraldineMumsnet]

We're trying to build up a FAQ section to cover some of the legal, financial and subsequent emotional issues surrounding divorce. So if you'd like to post any questions that you have - or had at the time of separation - we'll send them on to the folks who organise the Family Mediation services and see if we can get some answers. Of course, if you already know the answers to someone else's query or have anecdotal advice you can offer from experience feel free to add that too. If there's sufficient interest we might get an expert on for an online chat, but if not at least we'll have a useful first stop for anyone contemplating separation or divorce. Thanks.

What happens these days when you go to the solicitor to ask for a divorce? What is the process? Does someome have to divorce on the other on the grounds of something eg, adultery, unreasonable behaviour or is this the old system? Is irrevocable differences an option?

Do you have to be seperated for a certain amount of time first before you can be granted a divorce?

If you want to get divorced quickly, you have to divorce on the grounds of either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. If not, you have to wait at least two years to go for natural breakdown of marriage.

Why are you not allowed to change the locks on the marital home when one partner leaves, but cannot sell the house until everything is finalised?

If you are divorced (ie The Respondent) do not get upset by the total fabrication in the divorce petition about you/your mental health/why the marriage broke down

Do not counter petition, it will cost £1000's.

Get your legal team to write a simple letter refuting all allegations but agreeing a divorce is the best resolution. It will cost about £100

Be the petitioner if you can as you have more control over the speed of events.

The statement of arrangements (for children of the family) is designed to be filled out by the person with care but must be filled out by the petitioner. The Petitioner is not always the person with care - this is an anomaly which should be sorted out.

Pensions are valued at a fraction of their paper worth - so a pension pot worth £500,000.00 might only be valued at £125,000.00 but the figure is never consistent. If you feel the valuation is outrageously low, don't argue just insist on having half (that way the undervaluation is of no significance).

Do not insist on staying in the Former Matrimonial Home at all costs. Children will adapt to moving and the fresh start will do you good. Also it will make you more able to be flexible in what you get from the divorce settlement. Many women make the mistake of insisting on staying on in the former matrimonial home and offsetting all those undervalued pension assets. Don't do it - you are ruining your financial future.

Are there any repucussions (sp) of being divorced on the grounds of adultery? For example, can the person that commited adultery remarry in a church? And can the one who did'nt commit adultery remarry in a church?

My friend remarried in church when she explained that exdh divorced her for someone else.

I have been told if my H refuses to sign petetion on the grounds of adultery then I will need proof, well he now lives with this woman, is that enough proof?

dont make casual agreements ( partic re money)before going to the solicitors - apprently they make life very complicated

Agree ( in the first case of separatioon rules on intordicing partners and buying presents) Friend of mine has agreed a £200 cap on spending out of their joint account till the divorce comes through.

DONT EXPECT AN H to change - if he has always been a crap dad , divorce will not change him.

and please( I see this at work a lot)....
DO NOT DIVORCE BY TEXT!!! You are not 16. Write a list of things to say and then TALK to each other. This is far less prone to being misconstrued, being used against you and you won't text when drunk.
IN fact a good idea to NOT have his number in your phone so you have to enter it manually.

I wish I had known that:

I got married 'for keeps'
H married me thinking that separation was an option

I wish I had known where to go for proper advice.

All about RESOLVE should be included. Also that it takes months!

how to spot a serial cheater.

NEVER leave the marital home - kick your spouse out - if you have the kids with you, you will very rarely be asked by the court to leave the family home.

I wish there had been mediation when I was divorced many moons ago. There were legal issues then that have been resolved somewhat in the intervening years.

If I hadn't been scared of losing my children I would have acted differently and there would have been less hurt all round.

The mediation service is great, can attending be compulsory?

I'm going now, this still hurts, all these years later.......so many regrets.

that if it is a 'simple' divorce, with no assets then you can do most of it on line, with a solicitor only required to witness signatures. Costs about £200 and is very handy should you live at the other end of the country to your ex.