What do you need to know/wish you'd known about divorce?

[GeraldineMumsnet]

We're trying to build up a FAQ section to cover some of the legal, financial and subsequent emotional issues surrounding divorce. So if you'd like to post any questions that you have - or had at the time of separation - we'll send them on to the folks who organise the Family Mediation services and see if we can get some answers. Of course, if you already know the answers to someone else's query or have anecdotal advice you can offer from experience feel free to add that too. If there's sufficient interest we might get an expert on for an online chat, but if not at least we'll have a useful first stop for anyone contemplating separation or divorce. Thanks.

Bumping for you.

thanks

the best solicitors

how not to fight over inconsequential things that end up costing more in solicitors fees than the item !!!

exactly what my rights were in non legalese

actually I had loads of questions so ill be back on later !!

puzzlerocks, do you just go around bumping threads?

Arent you considerate

What are the ground rules for financial settlements (or are there none?)
How to find a solicitor who will to achieve an agreed settlement which is in the interests of the children
What happens when there is income or asset disparity, particularly when the mother is the wealthier?

I think this is a brilliant idea.

I wish Solicitors would not insist that the party they are representing does not move out of the family home, even when both parties find that desirable. It leads to acrimony and further upset to all concerned.

I wish solicitors would invite the other party and their legal representative to a meeting to see whether the basis of an agreement can be reached very early on in the proceedings. There should be more of a feeling that they are all working together to find a solution that is fair to all parties and children. Rather than an our side versus your side adversarial arrangement.

I think the law should be changed so that martrimonial assets are valued as of the date at separation - like the Scottish system. I know lots of people who have run up huge debts after separation. Especially if there is a younger woman and a mid life crisis involved.

If a couple is still fighting over how to split the assets. How about the asset is placed into trust for the benefit of the children so that neither of the greedies gets it. That should focus negeotiations.

I think people should be told that if they find the other party's solicitor's tone agressive or upsetting they should return their letters unopened. But they should be told they must deal with correspondence from the court.

It surely can not be difficult for an actuary or someone like that to look at the finances and decide what formula is fair and if a party thinks it is not fair and wants to go to court then they should be penalised later if the actuary's calculation was broadly fair. Ancillary relief proceedings are unnecessarily complex.

I haven't divorced, but my partner has.

The very best decision we ever took was to live extremely close to my DP's former wife's home. I cannot overstate how greatly this reduces the complexity for the boys of having two homes and means that they see plenty of both parents in a real home situation.

I have been divorced and I do think it makes things easier if things are dealt with as swiftly as possible rather than prolonging the situation.

VT - It's not all I do. I can waffle and throw buns with the best of em too.

puzzle came up with some cracking ideas for the book pictures

Why thank you birdie.

I agree with peanutbear and Swedes has some great thoughts there too.

You can do a DIY divorce which is quite cheap and reletively easy.
If you have kids involved and/or money, then you may need legal advice if it's not a friendly split.

Course i know thats not all you do Puzzle (hope i didnt offend you)

I only noticed because you bumped one of my threads fo me too

I came on this thread, not because I need to know anything about divorce, but to say I think MNers need to know about Family Mediation services. Having seen OP, I'll bugger off

God no VT, not offended at all. You'd have to call me a bad shag to do that.

You better run Rev.

That the reasons for the divorce and whether you want one or not have no bearing on teh financial settlement. IE if he runs off with the au pair having already shagged all the girls in her English Class it won't affect how much money you get.

Oh, and that it will be at least as horrible as you think it will be, and will take you years to sort out.

missing in action -- that is what really pisses me off marriage is a contract a legal one so if you have an affair you have broken that contract then you can still take you other half to the cleaners

When you get married the state do not ask for reasons why you want to marry that person. When you want to divorce the state demand reasons and in the case of unreasonable behaviour, example of those reasons. What's that all about?

Swedesinacape, I am good friends with a couple and before they got married the vicar asked them to fill out a compatability test, apparently it was around 2 dozen pages long, the vicar informed them if they failed he would refuse to marry them at that time. Not like the state asking for reasons I know, but similiar.

Try sorting out your divorce via mediation rather than going through the courts. Until my solicitor suggested it to me, I had no idea that this was possible. Far quicker, cheaper and much less unpleasant. Do your research and make sure your paperwork is in order. Consult a solicitor right at the start and make sure your know your rights and the rights of your child/children and your soon-to-be-ex. Try to find some way of disengaging emotionally from your soon-to-be-ex: easier said than done, but it all goes a lot better if you don't allow yourself to get drawn into rows. Withdraw, keep calm and don't allow yourself to be baited. And try to be fair, whilst being aware that the other side may not play fair. Do only what you can live with long-term and remember that keeping your dignity is pretty important to your self esteem. Choose your battles carefully.