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Original poster

Can I please remind all of us that attacking OP on a thread where support is needed is NOT in the spirit of MN?

66 replies

Notreallyarsed · 31/12/2017 13:04

I’ve seen a couple of threads recently where an OP has posted, having a really rough time and just needing a bit of support and some posters seem to take great delight in piling in and saying the most awful things, making OP feel like absolute shite, not offering anything constructive or supportive and just seem to get off on being as vile and brutal as possible.

This is a support site, when someone is experiencing MH problems, DV, abuse, or struggling with problems in their lives, they deserve and need support, advice, constructive criticism (when required) and links to places that can help. NOT to be repeatedly told they shouldn’t be a parent, shouldn’t have had children, should have their kids removed, are a shit person, failing at life and pretty much worthless.

What does that say about you if that’s your reason for living? That you’d actively seek out someone who is struggling and kick them when they’re down?

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 31/12/2017 14:02

There are some right keyboard warriors full of nastiness (just so fucking perfect and superior - sometimes can anticipate what bile they will spout just from original post)
Thankfully there's also loads of really decent people.

AuntieStella · 31/12/2017 14:04

There are no officially protected threads.

It's up to MNHQ - and MNHQ only - to decide what is (or isn't) the spirit of the site.

I have seen what I think is quite a major change to moderation policy/decisions this year. I don't think these changes are for the better, but they are MNHQ's to make. I still like MN well enough, but it's not a community any more.

BoreOfWhabylon · 31/12/2017 14:05

I agree, OP. Some very unpleasant, meanspirited posters around and they seem to be multiplying.

I report them as being 'not in the spirit' or, for the hit and run ones, 'bitchplopping'. MNHQ remove them more often than not. If I notice a poster who makes a habit of posting this way I report that too.

(I also report LOTS of trolls)

missyB1 · 31/12/2017 14:09

Ok so what would you think about the idea of a protected support board?

Original poster
Notreallyarsed · 31/12/2017 14:10

@missyB1 that’s a brilliant idea! Somewhere that vulnerable posters could seek the support without fear of trolling or abuse. @MNHQ is this possible?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2017 14:11

I was on the thread that you were on this morning OP, and I'd just posted to somebody on there because they were being spiteful and not helpful.

I don't think your posting a thread at large telling people to behave is a) your job (it's MNHQ's) and b) effective.

Why don't you post on the threads in question, to the posters in question? Or do you? Perhaps I'm just not on the threads that you're on so apologies if you actually do this...

thecatfromjapan · 31/12/2017 14:13

A protected support board is a good idea, MissyB1.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2017 14:14

Ok so what would you think about the idea of a protected support board?

How would it be policed? Unfortunately thinking of mumsnet as a “safe space” is never going to be helpful. It’s a public forum where threads often appear in national newspapers. Obviously it would be miles better if posters were kind to each other but it would be wrong to elevate the boards to more than they are.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2017 14:14

Who would be permitted to post on that, missy?

Mumsnet is troll-central at the moment and very many boards are full of goady-fuckers.

I think MN is a tremendous resource and it's also a nice place to post on a massive variety of subjects but all of that comes with a caveat for taking personal responsibility for yourself so that you're not damaged.

This place isn't moderated in real time, there are no moderators posting generally. Perhaps that would be a good start?

Original poster
Notreallyarsed · 31/12/2017 14:14

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I have posted fairly bluntly on one thread today, but there are others too. I disagree that it’s not my job, it’s all of our jobs to ensure that vulnerable posters aren’t being ragdolled about the place for amusement. Otherwise what is the point? If we’re all prepared to just let it go, aren’t we as bad as the nasty posters?

OP posts:
CatchMyName · 31/12/2017 14:15

I agree that people should try to be empathetic and kind.

However; this is not and never has been and should not be expected to be a 'safe space'. It is not. It's an internet forum with millions of users. It isn't a helpline or a MH/DV/whatever support site. It's an anonymous internet forum.

It just isn't safe. The internet is unsafe. This may have been a 'community' of sorts in the past but it hasn't been for a long while now. There are some great people, but also pervs, trolls or just a spectrum of human beings with some nice and some less so.

If you post on the internet, you invite opinion. Yes I'd prefer it if people were nice but you can't expect that on a world wide forum with millions of users and it is naive to think that will happen.

BoreOfWhabylon · 31/12/2017 14:15

I think a 'protected support' board would

  1. Rapidly turn into troll central
  2. Send the message that all other boards are a free for all to put the boot in as much as they like.

Much better to report and also call them out on the thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2017 14:15

x-posted with Purple

ladystarkers · 31/12/2017 14:15

Is this about Monkeyfacegrace?

JanetsPlain · 31/12/2017 14:15

I think lots of people have the post- Christmas arse tbh. Seeing it in RL too.

MrsHathaway · 31/12/2017 14:16

I don't think there are any protected spaces exactly, but some long-running threads effectively have house rules about acknowledging other posters, levels of swearing, unconditional support etc. Then some specific topics tend to attract sympathetic, tactful comment (e.g. miscarriage or bereavement) and at the other end of the spectrum AIBU has become a free-for-all.

I'm sure AIBU used to have a warning at the top of each page saying that it was a robust space. Does it still?

BIWI · 31/12/2017 14:21

I think some people think it's clever, and that they have to live up to the risible 'nest of vipers' reputation we have somehow gained.

I often AS search people, and it's interesting how many of the dubious, less pleasant ones are usually to be found only on AIBU.

Thetreesareallgone · 31/12/2017 14:21

This should be a safe place for people struggling

I would never advise anyone to seek support on MN, unless something has happened to you which incontrovertibly you couldn't have caused, like your husband died unexpectedly, then you will get a kicking. People aren't nice to people in DV situations (why don't you leave, you are abusing your kids), with addiction problems (why don't you stop, you are ruining your kids lives), MIL problems (why don't you learn her language/stop bitching about her/go NC if she's that awful), money problems (why don't you get a better job/two jobs/have thought about this before you had kids) and so on. I would never post about something I really cared about on here as the answers would upset me too much. Obviously there are nice helpful posters too, but the nasty ones would just outweigh any vaguely helpful advice.

surferjet · 31/12/2017 14:23

Sadly op, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this. I’ve been trolled on threads by complete idiots, the posts were deleted but by then the damage is done, & that’s the problem. You can report report report, but the vulnerable poster has probably already read the posts? & even if persistent trolls are eventually banned, more take their place.
The truth is, nowhere on the internet can be called a ‘safe place’.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2017 14:23

I don't disagree that it's everybody's job to post on the thread in question, NotReally, many of us already do that though I find your OP on this one patronising.

There are quite a few posters who will stick up for posters being piled onto on a thread, I like to think that I'll do that if I'm on the thread. There are more posters though who don't - as well as the posters who pile on.

To see what makes a chatboard 'tick', have a look at the threads that get an enormous amount of posts. They are the salacious and/or bunfight and/or somebody's life imploding. That seems to be human nature as disappointing as it may be. MN is also 'a bit commercial' now.

A protected board wouldn't work, in my opinion, but posters more confident to stick up for other posters would. There was a bit of a 'drive' about that a few years ago now but it died a death.

Original poster
Notreallyarsed · 31/12/2017 14:28

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I’m sorry my post came over as patronising, it genuinely wasn’t my intention to patronise and I’m sorry it made you feel that way.

I think I’m coming to the realisation that there isn’t anything we can do. The internet is full of people who get their kicks from abusing others, particularly people who are vulnerable, and that’s a sad indictment of modern life.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 31/12/2017 14:36

I don’t agree with a protected board either. I’m not massively sure how useful it would be. A bit netmums where they just repeat everything back with an additional dose of “poor you hun”. I think MN does largely self moderate and there’s boards that the majority wouldn’t snark on. I think the nasty posts are fairly well contained to AIBU, Chat and Relationships, Parenting sometimes as well. I don’t mind robust and honest posts and you can tell the difference. What I don’t like are when posters exaggerate and extrapolate and use emotive language to describe what was actually posted to justify going in the the kill. Also the ones who have read the last nasty ten posts and then sprint to post similar or worse like it’s a competition. Seriously what is going through your mind when you post an “I feel sorry for your children” or “wow just wow” when there’s already a 100 posts saying that? It’s just so you get to put the boot in too isn’t it? Which I find really weird.

I also think it’s ok for OP to have posted here to discuss it and I don’t think they’re telling people how to post.

CatchMyName · 31/12/2017 14:38

The 'other place' on MN which was devised as a 'safer' place for users who may be at risk of abusive partners tracking internet use was used on at least one occasion to slag off a 'vulnerable' poster.

So a 'protected support' board would not be that at all. And as another poster said, it would attract trolls who get infinite pleasure from being a MN 'special'.

MrsHathaway · 31/12/2017 14:58

Recently I posted about a thing that was emotional and difficult for me and had precisely 100% supportive posts. If I had posted on AIBU I have no doubt I would have had at least a few cold or snarky replies along the lines of "get a grip" or "are you twelve?" but after about eight years here I knew better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2017 15:09

NotReally, please don't apologise; I have my 'prefect' moments too. I've posted on a thread before to posters 'at large' and been roundly told to get back in my box, which on reading said post, I realised and cringed a bit. I can feel your exasperation and it's justified, in my opinion. Better though I think to target a post at a specific poster just in case others feel swept up, I've done that many times and try not to now.

Going back to your point, I agree with you that anywhere publicly online isn't a safe space, that is a fact. It doesn't mean though that we can't stand up for posters. I think that's all we can do.

AIBU can be a bit of a rat's nest but it's the income generating site, very popular and a perpetuating cycle because of that. People feeling a bit vulnerable would do better to steer clear but they don't always. MrsHathaway's post illustrates the point.